tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post2154375182683678608..comments2024-03-29T05:20:50.447-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #108CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-7295860716798165782013-02-07T09:01:21.736-05:002013-02-07T09:01:21.736-05:00Thank you so much for the help. The Gryphon and t...Thank you so much for the help. The Gryphon and the MC's family and the adventures they go on catching these creatures are the story, each adventure being a conflict in its own. The task at the school is just another contract they have taken out and it allows the MC to come of age a little as well as meet Stella. There are several other adventures that connect the task to them discovering the plot to release the Morrighan, about 150 pages actually. It is a series of instances where darkness comes onto the streets of London, they have to struggle with each one until they are brought together for the final battle.<br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-62689419233667400122013-02-06T23:22:09.444-05:002013-02-06T23:22:09.444-05:00Your premise is really interesting - I was immedia...Your premise is really interesting - I was immediately grabbed by creature catchers. I do think your query could be tightened up a bit and focused more. We're told a lot about the Gryphon and the main character's family, but I don't really know what the initial conflict is. What is the task he is given at the school? There's a disconnect between when he gets the task to discovering the Morrigan that I think could be expanded on too.<br /><br />Your first 250 words are strong, and this was a tough decision, but unfortunately I decided to pick another entry to move to the next round. Good luck with your writing.Bouncer Chekhovhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov's_gunnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-11816530157235192482013-02-05T21:17:08.003-05:002013-02-05T21:17:08.003-05:00That second sentence is 102 words long and extreme...That second sentence is 102 words long and extremely inaccurate. You should consider breaking it into several sentences next time you wish to write a critique in a tone that might or might not be appropriate for this site. Thanks for your time though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-31306872228313825392013-02-05T21:01:33.463-05:002013-02-05T21:01:33.463-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-49190566177028239452013-02-05T16:00:59.659-05:002013-02-05T16:00:59.659-05:00Anna thank you so much for the ideas. Minor point...Anna thank you so much for the ideas. Minor points are important in things you would hope to do well, so I appreciate all of it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17751849492039973942013-02-05T15:59:19.540-05:002013-02-05T15:59:19.540-05:00HAHA thank you so much for your words of wisdom. ...HAHA thank you so much for your words of wisdom. The MC has no magical powers except a few tricks he has learned in his line of work. His twin sisters would beat you half to death if they were to hear you compare them to Ron's brothers. The Gryphon House is a very well established business in London and they spend most of their time on the contracts they have accepted to capture and bring back alive the larger beasts. The army is not magical nor vigilantes but street urchins trying to earn a living the best way they know how. After re-reading your comments I appreciate your opinion but need to ask if you had really read the query? Also, Anonymous is a rather interesting way of presenting yourself as well. Thank you for your comments.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-36047416824083423032013-02-05T11:51:44.344-05:002013-02-05T11:51:44.344-05:00I agree that playing up the setting is very import...I agree that playing up the setting is very important. <br /><br />Also, given that your MC is a wand-wielding adolescent with uncooperative hair and a quest to prevent a big bad magical foe from manifesting power and gathering her followers for an assault on England, AND that this same MC is a junior member of the highly respected "Gryphon House" (where a set of older twins rule the roost), has an extremely talented and knowledgeable young female wizard sidekick, AND must raise an army of magical child vigilantes to overcome evil, I suspect there are some details that you probably want to change to ensure that your story comes across as fresh. <br /><br />Since we only have your query + 250, only you know how closely your novel actually parallels the best selling fantasy series of the past 20 years, and how much it is really its own story that isn't well represented in the query. If the former, you may want to set aside and revise/scavenge the manuscript later. If the latter, I would recommend revising your query to really focus on the uniqueness of your story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-43515515152407617962013-02-05T10:59:09.958-05:002013-02-05T10:59:09.958-05:00Very nice! I'm another fan of 'snickleway&...Very nice! I'm another fan of 'snickleway'. <br /><br />I *love* the flavour of this -- the mythology mixed with London -- and I'd agree with Mara and Erin that it would be good to use a more specific term for the timeframe -- "on the eve of the First World War"? "Shortly after the turn of the century"? <br /><br />Such a tiny point I feel silly for mentioning it (but it made me twitch so I will): "It is a 62,000-word Urban Fantasy MG novel with plans to be a series" implies to me that the novel has plans. Often, I think, people say "with series potential". <br /><br />I agree with Mara that I'd remove the bit about 3 months (although congratulations -- that's fantastic!). <br /><br />Anyway, those are really minor points -- it's a fantastic-sounding story.Anna Dickinsonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-49804152312758324502013-02-04T21:15:43.786-05:002013-02-04T21:15:43.786-05:00Mara I appreciate the suggestions and will make th...Mara I appreciate the suggestions and will make the changes for later use. I love the word snickelways too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-69302688672279427372013-02-04T21:14:02.910-05:002013-02-04T21:14:02.910-05:00Erin thank you so much! The time frame is 1910 so ...Erin thank you so much! The time frame is 1910 so you're right it is a little old-fashioned. Great words available to use and the influence of Steampunk. the story is a lot of fun.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-50064407503475559822013-02-04T20:14:39.161-05:002013-02-04T20:14:39.161-05:00Both your query and your opening 250 words have ho...Both your query and your opening 250 words have hooked me in. I especially like your description of following the wisps of jet-black smoke and ravens. Definitely sets the mood! I have one little suggestion about your query. You state that the story takes place in twentieth century London, but that's a fairly wide time span. I'm getting sort of an old-fashioned vibe from the cobblestones and snickelways (I'm with Mara--great word!) but it might help to pinpoint a more specific time period. Good luck in the contest!<br />#124Erin L. Funkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00068394727011130144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-29627568603241451702013-02-04T07:54:30.471-05:002013-02-04T07:54:30.471-05:00I really like the writing (and I love the word sni...I really like the writing (and I love the word snickelway!). My advice for the query: don't mention you wrote this in three months or that it is your debut. But overall I thought it was intriguing and I'd read on :)<br />Mara Rae #119Mara Raehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07372451891082436090noreply@blogger.com