tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post2737771629078735605..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #72CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-50121423061723806112013-01-29T08:53:49.953-05:002013-01-29T08:53:49.953-05:00Sounds fantastic so far! I agree with the above co...Sounds fantastic so far! I agree with the above comments,however I think the first paragraph of your query is necessary (esp. the fact she is an orphan)--maybe you could integrate that into the second paragraph?<br /><br />Good luck!<br />Lisa #95<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-57434136744419258392013-01-29T00:20:51.823-05:002013-01-29T00:20:51.823-05:00The idea of bullies being bludgeoned is fantastic!...The idea of bullies being bludgeoned is fantastic! <br /><br />You've received great feedback already, and I agree with the others' comments, especially on the first paragraph of the query not being as strong as the second and finding a way to convey who Tara is a little faster (hard to do, I know) so that we connect with her immediately. Okay, that was a long sentence.<br /><br />One thing that tripped me up was "cousin's/Beth's death anniversary" instead of the more expected "anniversary of her cousin's/Beth's death" It just felt awkward and it's used in both the query and the first 250. It's a little thing, but it stood out.<br /><br />You've raised the stakes with your query and I truly feel for Tara's aunt; now give us a little more about Tara and you're all set.<br /><br />Great stuff! Good luck!<br />Bonnie #88Bonniehttp://bonniestaring.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-20637705065693908032013-01-28T20:30:23.399-05:002013-01-28T20:30:23.399-05:00Sounds interesting. I don't read enough myster...Sounds interesting. I don't read enough mystery, which is sad because there's a lot of good mysteries out there.<br /><br />I'd agree pretty much with the others' comments. I too, wondered if a lot of the query was backstory. If it is, I'd cut back and concentrate on the present. If not, ignore this comment.<br /><br />My only other comment is that neither of your first lines hook me. Query or first 250.<br /><br />In the first 250, I really think the 3rd paragraph would be a good place to start. That first line. Then weave in some of the above two paragraphs and go from there.<br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />#83Suzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502606950280751205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-7870255154020155002013-01-28T19:36:46.249-05:002013-01-28T19:36:46.249-05:00Thanks, Lisa. i agree on the 250. I'll cut th...Thanks, Lisa. i agree on the 250. I'll cut the backstory and work on showing Tara's voice :)Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-3625239672549214472013-01-28T19:29:58.625-05:002013-01-28T19:29:58.625-05:00Yeah, that's what I need to work on. I did do ...Yeah, that's what I need to work on. I did do that with my revised version, but after I sent it in here. Go figure.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-9324317729182627882013-01-28T19:24:20.048-05:002013-01-28T19:24:20.048-05:00Thanks so much. Excellent suggestions on the query...Thanks so much. Excellent suggestions on the query. Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-25184423064726539652013-01-28T19:23:21.485-05:002013-01-28T19:23:21.485-05:00Thank :). I'll work on that.Thank :). I'll work on that.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-55215447242194401892013-01-28T18:43:22.017-05:002013-01-28T18:43:22.017-05:00I agree that your query was strong - I was intrigu...I agree that your query was strong - I was intrigued by the repeated deaths (and you had me at the word "bludgeoned," even though this isn't my usual kind of book) and curious about the mystery. <br /><br />For some reason I wasn't pulled in by your first 250, and I'm trying to figure out why. I think it might be that Tara doesn't really have a voice to me at first? Maybe find a way to individualize her a little? I know it's hard with only 250 words. Loved the last sentence about her cousin, though.<br /><br />Lisa (#85)Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16570627401151164420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-42233430144894026202013-01-28T16:04:10.399-05:002013-01-28T16:04:10.399-05:00I really liked your query. It definitely made me w...I really liked your query. It definitely made me want to read your book. You have high stakes and I think the fact that the bullies are being murdered was an interesting twist. Your 250 didn't draw me in quite as much. I was confused at first as to what was going on. With the word, "spells," I was thinking of a mental breakdown, but I'm not sure if that's the case here. I also wonder if you might want to start with something that affects the protagonist more, not just the aunt. <br />Good luck!Jenninoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-65738138314130695582013-01-28T14:11:36.047-05:002013-01-28T14:11:36.047-05:00Exciting and sad first 250. I agree with Jennie...Exciting and sad first 250. I agree with Jennie's comments. <br /><br />Some other things to think about. The sentence "When her cousin was bludgeoned one chilly autumn night, it was the start of a horrific murder spree." This sentence is heavy on the passive voice and a perfect candidate for rewriting. Something to be aware of as there are a few other instances. It's a good exercise to take a chapter and rewrite all instances of passive voice into active just to see if you like it better. Grammar girl has an excellent article on passive voice and how to identify it. <br /><br />On my first couple read throughs, I thought the three bullies harassed Tara. I finally realized you were referring to her cousin being bullied by them. So that could be clarified.<br /><br />The more I read your query, I get the sense that the first two paragraphs are backstory that will be revealed as I read the story. The more interesting stuff is in the last paragraph, which gets jumbled together. My suggestion would be to condense the first two paragraphs into a sentence or two that introduces us to Tara, her traumatized aunt, her murdered cousin, and the mystery of who is committing the murders. <br /><br />Then expand on the final paragraph. As the people who are dying are people who hurt Tara and her family, why does she feel compelled to find the killer? Why not leave it to the authorities? What is at stake for her if she doesn't find the killer?<br /><br />Lastly, what do you mean by "gentle healer." Is Tara healing, does she have powers or just patience? <br /><br />I like how you set up in your first 250 that something is wrong with Tara's aunt. That seems a nice place to start the story after you've set up the grizzly past in the query. <br /><br />Good luck!<br />Amy #73aereicherthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00548305046663514133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-61056204965577540852013-01-28T09:29:26.802-05:002013-01-28T09:29:26.802-05:00I love your first 250 and your query is pretty sol...I love your first 250 and your query is pretty solid. <br /><br />The only thing I'd suggest is you re-work your hook. As it stands now, it's vague and kind of more of an intro to your second paragraph, which really piqued my interest. I also think that "orphan" could be moved somewhere else, as having it after "sixteen-year-old" makes the sentence sound awkward when I read it aloud. <br /><br />Best of luck! jenniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07636088542855575230noreply@blogger.com