tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post3010387068324734686..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #20CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17209229160633559872013-01-18T09:15:27.649-05:002013-01-18T09:15:27.649-05:00I love your first 250! I think the third person na...I love your first 250! I think the third person narration is kind of unusual and awesome, and it has tons of voice :) congrats on getting in!Rebecca Barrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04007014501516438149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35828712898966123232013-01-15T12:09:56.064-05:002013-01-15T12:09:56.064-05:00Thank you so much! :)Thank you so much! :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-70399301535485767152013-01-15T00:13:59.328-05:002013-01-15T00:13:59.328-05:00:D Congrats!!:D Congrats!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-29902624668245910692013-01-14T20:50:39.162-05:002013-01-14T20:50:39.162-05:00Thank you for this great, specific feedback! I'...Thank you for this great, specific feedback! I'm excited to review the query/first 250 with this all in mind. <br /><br />Thanks also for all the time you've spent reading through our entries, we all appreciate it so much!<br />-ErinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-74206818664806782772013-01-14T19:49:57.307-05:002013-01-14T19:49:57.307-05:00You're in!
But your query and pages need a ...You're in! <br /><br />But your query and pages need a bit of work. I really love the idea of an MG adventure story about a girl and her family tree. It's just the thing I would've loved to read as a kid. Unfortunately, I think you need to think about word choice throughout your query and the pages. I want to see very specific words that will draw me in. <br /><br />For instance, I got hung up on "confident bangs." What does that mean? <br />What does "the lines between folklore and reality" mean exactly? Can you give a specific example instead of saying folklore and reality, so that readers are forced to use their imagination? (e.g. "Humpty Dumpty was wearing a Red Sox hat."<br /><br />I think you need to say in the first paragraph of the query that her father has been kidnapped because Mr. Understone wants something from Thelma. That's a lot more concrete and interesting than talking about who she is and how she likes adventure. I want to know what's at stake asap!<br /><br />Could you start your query with something like: "Mr. Understone has been stalking 11-year-old Thelma's family tree for centuries, and she has what he's been looking for..." Then tell us a little bit about Thelma... then show specifically how and why her dad get kidnapped... then show us what Thelma's choices are and what she's up against.<br /><br />Good luck!Mr. Spock (Bouncer)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-45741004087096742252013-01-14T14:13:04.646-05:002013-01-14T14:13:04.646-05:00P.S. I forgot to mention that I am entry #2. Good ...P.S. I forgot to mention that I am entry #2. Good luck!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35769714157027363362013-01-14T14:04:56.290-05:002013-01-14T14:04:56.290-05:00I love this! The voice is strong even in the query...I love this! The voice is strong even in the query and I wanted to keep reading. I especially love how she describes her father's shop. I have two kids reading MG and I'd absolutely buy this for them--even just based on what's here. I wish you much luck in your publishing journey and hope to see your books on the shelves someday soon. One thing--I really love your characters' names, but there is a VERY popular series of "Junie B." books out there that you might not want your Thelma Bee's name competing with. Just FYI...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-66961600767142534842013-01-14T13:20:36.813-05:002013-01-14T13:20:36.813-05:00This definitely sounds like a fun MG read from you...This definitely sounds like a fun MG read from your query. I would eliminate the 1st paragraph and start w/ the 2nd one, because that's where your query gets interesting.<br /><br />As for your 1st 250 words, I really enjoyed your voice, though I don't write/read any MG. I think you've started your story in a great place; end of school and a long weekend are setting it up nicely. One suggestion: break up the last sentence in your 1st paragraph into 2 sentences. <br /><br />I'm in the contest as well (#19), and I wish you lots of luck!Shannonhttp://www.shannonwixom.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-36112028544050025892013-01-14T13:09:29.624-05:002013-01-14T13:09:29.624-05:00I liked this! I'm not much of a middle grade r...I liked this! I'm not much of a middle grade reader, but I love the mystery/adventure you set up in your query. And I really enjoyed your first 250 words. I loved Thelma's thoughts about her father's antique shop! So cute!<br /><br />Great job! Good luck!Stephanie Garberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05418429225626297957noreply@blogger.com