tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post4363962148367228480..comments2024-03-29T05:20:50.447-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #146CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-53489089645947963452013-02-13T19:12:07.841-05:002013-02-13T19:12:07.841-05:00I love the first 250. You reveal so much about Min...I love the first 250. You reveal so much about Minna's world in a very short excerpt. The query is good, but I think it could be tightened up just a bit. I love how you summarize the stakes at the very end of the query. Good luck!Renahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09100074766237907654noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-24645368131574097362013-02-13T11:15:30.595-05:002013-02-13T11:15:30.595-05:00Great 250. Love the premise!! I agree above with t...Great 250. Love the premise!! I agree above with tightening the query. It'll really make it shine. Great work.<br /><br />#156Mandie Baxterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01178057465311925795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-34589291044352748892013-02-12T19:06:29.645-05:002013-02-12T19:06:29.645-05:00Thanks so much for all your kind words and spot-on...Thanks so much for all your kind words and spot-on suggestions. All this is so incredibly helpful!!Carissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10594436685900756259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-70263765068384371772013-02-12T10:16:35.082-05:002013-02-12T10:16:35.082-05:00Great premise and great writing! I agree w/ everyt...Great premise and great writing! I agree w/ everything Kathryn said above. I, too, was slightly confused about what the "one" was, especially because it was referred to initially as a memory. But it won't take much tweaking to clear that up. My fav line: This one seemed even more out of place, amidst the asphalt and early evening glow of the podcar lines. <br /><br />My only additional suggestion for your query would be to tie in the dystopian angle earlier. I didn't even know it was dystopian until I saw your genre.<br /><br />-Good luck and thanks for your comments as well. Entry #152Shannonhttp://www.shannonwixom.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-23781689089907698332013-02-12T08:51:53.171-05:002013-02-12T08:51:53.171-05:00Wow! This gives a real sense of the world and char...Wow! This gives a real sense of the world and characters. Love it! #141Debbie Emoryhttp://debbieemory.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-39827116786969017642013-02-12T00:50:47.520-05:002013-02-12T00:50:47.520-05:00I was pulled in by your 250--especially once I got...I was pulled in by your 250--especially once I got a little more info on what "one" from your first sentence referred to later on. Personally, I'd suggest being more specific with it from the get-go so your first sentence is super strong. But I really loved your writing in this 250 and all that you conveyed about the world through little hints here and there. Nice!<br /><br />I agree with the others that your query could use more tightening and focus with making Minna more active. Even the first sentence would be stronger and more active if you rephrased it like, "Fifteen-year-old Minna Gray's new life in Emerald District is shattered when the two boys she was babysitting are kidnapped." I'd also like to be told Minna has visions FIRST before the boy explains to her why she has them, when they haven't been introduced yet in your query.<br /><br />I love this premise and you're a very strong writer. Best of luck to you!!!Kathryn Purdiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18337488365098780737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-24594283941116991492013-02-11T21:13:36.313-05:002013-02-11T21:13:36.313-05:00I think you might need to rework your query somewh...I think you might need to rework your query somewhat to make Minna more active, as it stands you've got a lot of 'he tells', 'he etc', which she then reacts to. <br /><br />I do like the start of your story and want to read more. Though I will echo that I'm not sure what the PestDetector looks like. I did find it interesting many of there words had been joined like DomeZoo, yet things like Outer Wall remained separate. <br /><br />Sounds like an intriguing story overall. Good luck! <br />(#147)Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-62342641871165376002013-02-11T18:36:10.194-05:002013-02-11T18:36:10.194-05:00I'd second what Adrianna said on the one line ...I'd second what Adrianna said on the one line in italics, but otherwise, I love your pitch and your first 250! I'm very pulled in.<br /><br />Especially love the way you infused voice into the third person. I'm a huge fan of third person, but it's not easy to personalize it. Well done! #140Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-45320146751906129912013-02-11T18:35:01.722-05:002013-02-11T18:35:01.722-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-37837063861467078712013-02-11T18:29:09.901-05:002013-02-11T18:29:09.901-05:00I really like your first 250 and agree with Ms. Hu...I really like your first 250 and agree with Ms. Hughes about the PestDetector. I felt like I got an instant take on the world and your writing style, which I liked a lot. I feel like the pitch can be condensed though. I know you need to show stakes and everything but I almost feel like you have two sets in the last paragraph and the second to last and they compete with each other. I might concentrate on the ally she isn't sure she can trust as opposed to losing more she loves. That line threw me a bit--did she love the boys she babysit for? Maybe but it was jarring to me. Otherwise, great job! #153Lori A. Goldstein (@_lagold)noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-31548482821691047532013-02-11T18:06:21.263-05:002013-02-11T18:06:21.263-05:00Great premise! You really caught me at the one-sen...Great premise! You really caught me at the one-sentence second paragraph. For the query, I'd recommend taking out the sentence "Every day more people are taken and erased," because the italics kind of throw me off, and also because you insinuate the same thing more succinctly in the prior sentence with "not isolated incidents." Also, the final sentence in the query flows a little awkwardly. Instead of starting the last sentence with "and," I'd recommend blending the final two sentences together by just sticking a dash there instead of the period--that way you get a pause for dramatic value, but you don't completely cut off the train of thought. :)<br /><br />Great voice in your first 250! It drew me in right away, and if I were an agent I would definitely want to read more. One nitpick: I couldn't get a good visual on the PestDetector--you might insert something quick, like "He passed his PestDetector over the creature, but the long wand stayed silent."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17743746069898168992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-9648449288044449682013-02-11T14:59:41.363-05:002013-02-11T14:59:41.363-05:00I think this sounds so interesting! The idea of pe...I think this sounds so interesting! The idea of people disappearing and having no one remember them is fantastic. And I think it's very honorable Minna wants to save the boys she babysits. (I would have said good riddance to some of the crazy kids I used to babysit! haha)I also like where your story starts. It paints a good picture of your world. Good luck with this! I'd keep reading :) Addiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15392217596841402265noreply@blogger.com