tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post5478787384629907693..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #110CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-48170801573918548942013-02-06T22:18:24.704-05:002013-02-06T22:18:24.704-05:00I'm a bit confused by your query and opening p...I'm a bit confused by your query and opening pages. For one thing, this doesn't sound like YA from the query or the pages, so you might want to either change the book to adult or make it more clear why this is YA. Also, when/where is this set in the beginning? It isn't clear from the query or pages if this starts in the modern world we know, or somewhere else. I'm also confused as to what the kings had to do with his murder, and why she killed him, and how this all ties together. And in the opening pages, who is the boy? Is that the main character, and if so, why are the characters not named? How did she kill him with lace? Could you start the scene a little earlier so we can see what happens and who these characters are, before you jump straight into his death? I think that would help clear things up a lot.Bouncer Chekhovhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov's_gunnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-24364540356843828962013-02-06T16:57:43.659-05:002013-02-06T16:57:43.659-05:00What an interesting idea! The first line of the q...What an interesting idea! The first line of the query is certainly an attention-grabber. I'm not sure if you need these sentences: "After harnessing...his entire family." I think it is more concise to just skip to the big issue he's facing with needing to kill the woman he loves. I think I might also suggest to leave off the last line of the query.<br /><br />In the first 250, I like how you stated with Daniel's death. Only, the mention of "the boy" in the first line made me think of a small child, but I'm guessing you mean Daniel, right? It might make sense to just say "him" instead, also because "the boy" seems distant, but the rest of the passage is more in Daniel's head, right? <br /><br />Your writing is beautiful, and I really like the last line.<br />Good luck!<br /><br />Laura, Kiss #33, BSD #112Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-20735711578912960192013-02-05T00:04:39.107-05:002013-02-05T00:04:39.107-05:00This seems like an intriguing concept. I get a go...This seems like an intriguing concept. I get a good sense of your story from the query. I'm wondering if "wrighter" is a misspelling (someone who rights wrongs, yes?) or simply an idiosyncratic term. If it's the latter, you may want to make it clear <i>why</i> you've chosen this spelling. You also include a problematic verb tense ("that was where Paradise lie") in your excerpt. I do like the idea of beginning with the protagonist's murder.<br /><br />Incidentally, I'm Kari (#122). Good luck in the contest!Kemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11170435287657382520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-40190125569475547272013-02-04T15:43:49.671-05:002013-02-04T15:43:49.671-05:00This is quite the opening for your story! I love s...This is quite the opening for your story! I love some of the language you use here: comparing his soul to a soap bubble, the moon clinging to the horizon, the way he disappears into the darkness between the stars. And the first line of your query grabbed my attention right away. Sounds great!<br />#124Erin L. Funkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00068394727011130144noreply@blogger.com