tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post6139916586438834383..comments2024-03-29T05:20:50.447-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Round 6 #38CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-16098092975990872112013-02-19T10:51:26.831-05:002013-02-19T10:51:26.831-05:00I agree with Amy above, you do a great job startin...I agree with Amy above, you do a great job starting us in the thick of the action. You have some very nice descriptions. My only thought is something I was told once about high-intensity scenes benefiting from short, succinct sentences. By cutting some adjectives here and there, your descriptors will have more punch where you do leave them in. I LOVE your line about the "unbound motions" and you could possibly set it off more- <br /><br />"The plane shook as it plunged through the sky, hurtling towards the waters below. Weightlessness gripped the hearts of everyone on board. In fleeting moments, it was almost euphoric. The unbound motions of their flailing arms and swaying torsos became a dance to welcome their own demise." <br /><br />I really love that last line-- very haunting and vivid. Best of luck to you! - Rina Rinahttps://twitter.com/RinaHeiselnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-38679685369843287122013-02-18T23:54:51.707-05:002013-02-18T23:54:51.707-05:00I really enjoyed the query. I wonder if you might ...I really enjoyed the query. I wonder if you might be starting in the wrong place. Could you start with the confrontation with the stalker (which I'm guessing already happened, since the plane is going down)? Or start with him in airport custody, like your query does?<br /><br />I can see what you're doing (particularly with your further explanation in the comment above), but I think what's missing is a connection with Tom (for the reader), and that's why Jay and Kim being mentioned before him is jarring.<br /><br />This is a great premise! Good luck!<br /><br />Larissa (#18)Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-34238210677040901202013-02-18T09:44:48.603-05:002013-02-18T09:44:48.603-05:00Thanks guys. I feel like the query doesn't nee...Thanks guys. I feel like the query doesn't need to address Jay and Kim by name, but it does reference them in that they are the two best friends mentioned in the second paragraph. I'd rather like to keep them out of it and keep the focus on Tom, since he is the most important character in the book.<br /><br />The neat thing that I don't get to show here is that this whole scene in the first 250 goes on for about another 200 words and then Tarantino's back to 10 hours before their flight and you learn how they got there, which is why Tom is only the last bit of what you see here, because he's the transition into that.<br /><br />The last line of this part before it transitions into the pseudo flashback is: "Tom couldn't explain it, and maybe he would never be able to, but in his heart, he knew. This plane was going to crash…and he had killed them all." And then it flashes to 10 hours before that moment.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35134578687284287562013-02-18T08:27:54.602-05:002013-02-18T08:27:54.602-05:00I think you did a good job. Good way to start the...I think you did a good job. Good way to start the first 250. I just didn't understand the people hung lifelessly over themselves. I agree about Jay and Kim, they came out of nowhere and were suddenly important. I do like the concept and I think there is quite a bit you are able to do with it. I love a good combination of urban fantasy and magical realism.<br /><br />#39Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-27322704324223273342013-02-17T23:41:07.833-05:002013-02-17T23:41:07.833-05:00Love urban fantasy and I like the premise. Know wh...Love urban fantasy and I like the premise. Know who Tom is from the query but not sure who Jay and Kim are and why they are in the second paragraph. Do they have anything to do with Tom? I think if you make that a little clearer than the rest of the 250 wold be really good.<br /><br />#21Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-60147908254004610692013-02-17T23:16:02.053-05:002013-02-17T23:16:02.053-05:00Great job putting the reader right into the action...Great job putting the reader right into the action! Love that it sounds like realistic fiction to begin with, putting us in Tom's world that he thinks is based in realism. Really like the concept. I'm a huge fan of urban fantasy. Good luck!<br /><br />--Amy (#34)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14370905964733084767noreply@blogger.com