tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post622794535546995288..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: CAGI Entry #29CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-71744752843281027902012-09-13T14:44:14.683-04:002012-09-13T14:44:14.683-04:00Thanks so much, Taryn. I had the query/first 200 w...Thanks so much, Taryn. I had the query/first 200 words up on another site (the Pitch Polish Blog Hop) and I got a lot of the same advice so pretty much everything you mentioned has been changed. The query is quite a bit shorter now. I really appreciate the critique and the points you made. Nobody else had pointed out how the first sentence didn't match, so that was a neat catch. <br /><br />I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. :)Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35635171958036367012012-09-12T23:30:16.173-04:002012-09-12T23:30:16.173-04:00Query:
Before even reading one word, I’m flinching...Query:<br />Before even reading one word, I’m flinching because the paragraphs are pretty long. White space is your friend in the slush pile because there are *so* many words to read.<br />“our world” is author insert…can you say “a parallel world—Earth”? How many years does he watch her in her dreams? Can she see him? Are such rips common for Trillua? Is that why the leaders research this travel? Maybe “she’s determined to take care of” can become “she loves” for the sake of simplicity.<br />“Luce has…closes again” you can delete “back.” “But, as the” that comma can be deleted. The death penalty for magic thing needs to be introduced earlier. “Forcing Auri…her mind” doesn’t make sense to me. Luc hasn’t come across as the kind of guy who would force Auri to do this. Great last sentence.<br />Page:<br />First sentence: matchmatches. Description is a little heavy for the first paragraph. Show how that beauty affects him. “Outside…rising sun” could benefit from parallelism. You’ve got the ThriceMoon, then the “glare of the rising sun.” No, the ThriceMoon was replaced by the rising sun, or the glow of the ThriceMoon was replaced by the glare of the rising sun—not one of each if that makes sense.<br />“ashy emotion-trails” are these real things? Clarify immediately since we need to know these things in a fantasy world (what’s real vs what’s metaphor). <br />Sin’s line is silly but isn’t working for me in the moment. You can show he’s discombobulated without him talking about a girl. Luc’s first lines don’t feel natural. You’re using the dialogue to explain stuff to the reader that Luc wouldn’t tell Sin (since he’d already know).<br />Love the last paragraph, though the second sentence is a little awkward. <br />Tarynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01014463110385943857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21339321881272976112012-09-09T14:01:06.472-04:002012-09-09T14:01:06.472-04:00That's a very good idea. Thanks John.That's a very good idea. Thanks John.Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-51844082268089780182012-09-09T12:46:25.374-04:002012-09-09T12:46:25.374-04:00Hey Tamara, no worries. "The World Next Door&...Hey Tamara, no worries. "The World Next Door" is a really great title. On its own it does a lot of work and really sparks your imagination. And if your MS is mainly about the interplay between our world and theirs, it works great.<br /><br />My only thought was that there might be a name somewhere in there that could only be for your book... one that has a strong significance to your story, that no one else could use. That said... sometimes working titles, based on your first instinct, stick, and in that case go for it.<br /><br />Very interesting idea, testing out different titles. Try out a different title each time you're in a different feedback contest and see if it changes how people feel about the query/MS. Then go with whatever gets the best response.<br /><br />JohnJohn Krissilashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02683306221234743057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-53223076127384160742012-09-08T18:52:02.323-04:002012-09-08T18:52:02.323-04:00I know what you mean about the dream-lover thing. ...I know what you mean about the dream-lover thing. It's really become a cliche. In my story, it plays a pretty small role. The girl MC never remembers her dreams, which negated the whole-"Oh!There's the boy I've been dreaming about" angle. I actually wondered about not even including that in the query, but it's important to show that Luc has a connection to Auri the whole time she's gone and I didn't know how else to do that. Any ideas on how I can convey the fact that this is different? <br /><br />Thanks for the advice on the rest of it. One of the girls that was nice enough to comment on this (J Kaitlyn Adams) cut down the query a bit for me. I was thinking about going with her version. That's the one I'm going to use for the Pitch Polish blog hop next week, so I'll see how it goes. <br /><br />Thanks for the comment. Good luck!! Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-79344249585734961942012-09-08T18:45:50.208-04:002012-09-08T18:45:50.208-04:00Hopping over from #42! First of all, we're wor...Hopping over from #42! First of all, we're word count buddies! Haha! I am intrigued by the premise of your story and the opening 250 gave me a sense of your MC which is vital in 1st pov. The query though seems like you've tried to included a lot of information in such a small space. Try and narrow it down to what is the most important theme or point of the story you need to convey. And with all the dream lover stories, be sure to show how yours is different x)Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668976392586668886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-91093853202111016302012-09-08T18:36:30.386-04:002012-09-08T18:36:30.386-04:00Thanks for all the nice comments John. I'll ta...Thanks for all the nice comments John. I'll take a look at a simpler hook at the end--although, I have to say, I really like the last line of the query. :)<br /><br />You are the first person who's said anything about the title. (surprisingly) The World Next Door was never supposed to be anything but a working title so I could call the book something. I agree that it's pretty generic. But then people started saying they really liked the title. I asked a bunch of people about a few different titles I thought of. Hmmmm...I had "ThriceMoon Rising" "Against a Falling Sky." And, "One World Away from Forever"<br /><br />Without fail, the overall consensus was that none of those titles were anywhere near as good as The World Next Door. <br /><br />I mentioned in the comment I left on yours that I don't think like other people. I'm always on the fringe--out of the loop. haha. So, I felt like I should probably go with popular opinion instead of my own. But I'm doing the Pitch Polish Blog hop next week, so when I post my query, I think I'll post those titles again and see what my new blog followers say. <br /><br />Anyway, again thanks for the comments. Always appreciated! See you in blogworld. Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-48423546337418925132012-09-08T15:18:50.130-04:002012-09-08T15:18:50.130-04:00Tamara,
Finally getting the chance to drop by :)
...Tamara,<br /><br />Finally getting the chance to drop by :)<br /><br />Although I somewhat agree with everyone else that there is a bit too much detail in your query, I actually love all of the little twists and plot elements that you've got in there — it seems like a very exciting read! The main part I'd think about simplifying is the last half of the second paragraph—it feels like a lot of sudden detail and conflict are thrown in at the last minute, when the reader is still absorbing the interplay between Luc, Auri, their world and ours. I feel like you've already got me hooked through the first 1.5 paragraphs, and that you just need a simple hook for the end.<br /><br />As for the first 250, I loved it. As you can tell from my own entry (#30... right after you!) I'm not a big fan myself of simple, premise-oriented first paragraphs. I like to put you right into the world, right into a scene, and let you figure it out as the chapter unfolds. So in that sense, I get what you did and I like how it works. Tons of voice, lots of questions in my head, a few unexplained details about the world that sparked my attention (ThriceMoon), and an interplay with another character. I'm fine with your first 250 not really explaining anything—it pulled me in and I like it that way!<br /><br />My only other thought: you may want to think about your title and genre. Just say YA sci-fi/fantasy if that's what it is, it will help me understand what I can expect. And I feel that "The World Next Door", although intriguing, is maybe a bit too generic for the amazing world(s) you've built. You've got magic, travelling between dimensions, dreams, Outerlands, LOTS of cool stuff. There must be a title that is either more exciting or that has a direct tie to your MC or the premise. Just my opinion.<br /><br />Thanks and good luck!!!<br /><br />John<br />#30John Krissilashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02683306221234743057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-84585462449717222512012-09-08T14:29:33.608-04:002012-09-08T14:29:33.608-04:00Thanks PK,
I wrote to Cupid and asked her to fix...Thanks PK, <br /><br />I wrote to Cupid and asked her to fix it. I hadn't even thought of that. duh. haha. I'll take a look at that dialogue and see what I can do to make it less obvious. Any ideas? Did I see yours yet? What number are you?Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-30334613942876350422012-09-08T14:28:30.859-04:002012-09-08T14:28:30.859-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-8088872664467107082012-09-08T07:15:24.679-04:002012-09-08T07:15:24.679-04:00Hi Tamara! Great concept! I'd be into reading ...Hi Tamara! Great concept! I'd be into reading it for sure. I noticed the typos in the query right away, but Cupid will fix it if you email her. Also, don't know if this has been mentioned already, but the sentence: <br />"Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri." <br />It could really use a comma after loves. When I read the query this line kept throwing me til I realized what it was missing. <br />Also, the dialog after--- I snap my fingers in his face...<br />came off as info for the reader and not natural dialog. Just a suggestion. Hope it's helpful. Like I said, awesome concept! :)PK HREZOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11650153097981426833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-27757318944437157242012-09-07T21:57:03.416-04:002012-09-07T21:57:03.416-04:00Thanks very much Tif. Good luck to you too!Thanks very much Tif. Good luck to you too!Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-71325976996618596052012-09-07T21:42:16.898-04:002012-09-07T21:42:16.898-04:00Hi Tamara! Thanks for coming by and giving me feed...Hi Tamara! Thanks for coming by and giving me feedback (#19).<br /><br />I have to say first and foremost that I love the premise and your 250 is just beautiful. I love the visual. I'm really drawn in. I feel the love already.<br /><br />I think though that the query lacks some of this voice. Maybe it's all of the names/specifics? Or the intricate detail of the plot? I know it's so hard to balance voice and plot in a query (I have a hard time with it as well), but maybe condensing the query a tad, taking away some of the details can help infuse voice.<br /><br />Good luck with CAGI! See you around online! Tifhttp://halu-halo.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-37348669607448110622012-09-07T14:30:40.777-04:002012-09-07T14:30:40.777-04:00P.S. It really sucks that we can't edit our en...P.S. It really sucks that we can't edit our entries based on feedback. :(Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-67402705370671244232012-09-07T14:29:35.377-04:002012-09-07T14:29:35.377-04:00Okay...we seem to be all in agreement that I need ...Okay...we seem to be all in agreement that I need to change the beginning. Good to know! So, I was thinking about trying this: <br /><br /><br />Outside the window, the ThriceMoon is being slowly replaced by the glare of the rising sun. I blink a few times in confusion as my mind clears of my daydreams of kissing Auri. The sun? Cursing, I bolt upright from the hard floor. The low rumble of Sin’s snores fills the room. I scramble to my feet and punch him in his arm. “Sin! God Blast it. Sin. Wake up!” I wave my hand, as if I can physically brush away the ashy black emotion-trails surrounding me. <br /><br />On his bed, Sin jerks as his eyes fly open. “I wasn’t with that girl.”<br /><br />This earns him another punch to his arm. “I’m not one of your girls, dolt. It’s Luc. We fell asleep. My father and Emelina will banish me if they realize I stayed out all night. Emelina warned me a million times to be rested for my Test today.”<br /><br />Better? Worse? The same? What do you guys think?<br />Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-84367516334719081092012-09-07T11:55:50.131-04:002012-09-07T11:55:50.131-04:00Hi Tamara! Thanks for your critique on mine (#50)-...Hi Tamara! Thanks for your critique on mine (#50)--here to return the favor :). <br /><br />Although I agree the query could be condensed a bit and checked again for redundancies/typos (i.e. "Luc soon Luc soon" "he" instead of "the"), I loved the conflict and stakes! The promise of romance plus the world-building involved in creating Trillua drew me right in. <br /><br />Your first 250 is promising, especially since it makes mention of the romance right away :). I love your descriptions! Really beautiful. My only suggestion is to think about cutting down on the use of exclamation points and use either actions or the dialogue itself to convey the emotion. <br /><br />Good luck with this!!Jessica Leakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03443106239685216080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-63798516314030932842012-09-07T09:28:52.497-04:002012-09-07T09:28:52.497-04:00Luc is clearly a guy name to me! It's French ...Luc is clearly a guy name to me! It's French for Luke (or so I think I remember from college). I agree with the others on starting with the MC waking up. You've got a such an intriguing storyline, I'd hate for an agent or editor to flip past it just because of how it starts.<br /><br />I love the whole parallel worlds thing. It reminds me of the TV show Fringe. :) I'd definitely read this story!<br /><br />I think your query is pretty good. You lay out the stakes and you've got a great hook. I'd consider trimming some of the details just to tighten it up. <br /><br />Good luck! gailecnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08004265486129312885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-39890894202781649182012-09-06T21:29:04.887-04:002012-09-06T21:29:04.887-04:00Hi Jennifer,
Thanks so much for the comment. The ...Hi Jennifer, <br />Thanks so much for the comment. The story originally started with him seeing the sun and bolting up from the floor. Then I was having a problem with people thinking Luc was a girl. I have no idea why, (Luc sounds like a guy name to me) but a ton of people were reading half the chapter assuming it was a girl and then having to go back to read again when they realized Luc's a guy. I figured if Luc was dreaming about a girl, it would make his sex instantly clear. (I still had one person miss that for most of the chapter. Not quite sure how that happened) <br /><br />I'm not sure how else to make his sex immediately apparent without that beginning. I agree with your comment though so I'll have to give it some thought. It's actually not supposed to be that Luc's sleeping either. More like he's half asleep/half awake, just kind of in a tired daze--that's how he sees the sun. I'm not sure how to make that any clearer either. sigh. Do you ever wonder why you became a writer? haha<br /><br /> Also, my girl MC has red hair and blue-green eyes, so there's another cliche. Bleck. At least the eyes aren't a straight green. I mean, really, how many hair/eye colors are there to choose from? Hopefully I just get a free pass on that one, since she's already totally set in my head that way and it would be super-weird to try to change her appearance. <br /><br />Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts! Good luck in the contest! :)Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-25789023444884215722012-09-06T21:14:40.455-04:002012-09-06T21:14:40.455-04:00Tamara-
You're a commenting fiend and an aweso...Tamara-<br />You're a commenting fiend and an awesome team player:) You have really good stakes at play in your query. I can definite follow the storyline even though there is word-building and I like the unexpected backwards parallel universe where Earth is the parallel- very cool! I'm not quite sure if this is an issue for anyone else so please take this as just one opinion, but if Luc is asleep in the first paragraph, how is he able to describe the rising sun in the first sentence? I was just a little confused by this. I know someone else brought it up about agents having an issue with stories starting with a character dreaming or just waking up. I just read a post on top "most common elements" in middle grade and YA and the waking up from a dream start was on there (as was characters with green eyes... and characters with red hair, which I've also been guilty of). I know you want to introduce Auri right away but maybe you could start instead with Luc shaking Sin awake and a bit later have him describe the dream about Auri to Sin or another character? I think the first few paragraphs are good, but I would hate to have an agent start out already rolling his or her eyes (not over your writing, but at the cliche) rather than giving it the fair shot it deserves! Good luck- so much to like here!!Jennifer Malonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10267842989895421642noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-16840283448265626862012-09-06T18:48:36.447-04:002012-09-06T18:48:36.447-04:00Oh! I just saw that. Wow. Nobody else noticed. I&#...Oh! I just saw that. Wow. Nobody else noticed. I'm sure an agent will know it's a typo, but it sucks that I can't get it out of there!Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-52445021879904143952012-09-06T18:47:54.595-04:002012-09-06T18:47:54.595-04:00Thanks Chris. I'll check out that repeat on Lu...Thanks Chris. I'll check out that repeat on Luc soon. It's so hard to see stuff in your own writing. I've read it so many times that I'm just blind to mistakes now. haha. Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-40110263025137042072012-09-06T18:30:34.112-04:002012-09-06T18:30:34.112-04:00Your writing is so poetic - that alone makes me wa...Your writing is so poetic - that alone makes me want to read more. I'm interested in the Test and finding out why they stayed out all night. There were a lot of characters to keep track of in the first 250. There's a repeat of "Luc soon" in the second sentence. I liked Sin's first line and the dialogue in general. Nicely done! Chris Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06926309475066550349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-70445744261609038012012-09-06T14:35:50.674-04:002012-09-06T14:35:50.674-04:00I'm 44 - great points on description Cheryl - ...I'm 44 - great points on description Cheryl - I really like it too. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17299011599575034882012-09-06T14:07:06.175-04:002012-09-06T14:07:06.175-04:00Cheryl--thanks! I'll take a look at the query ...Cheryl--thanks! I'll take a look at the query again and see if I can get Luc's age in there and say Trillua less. :)Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04070551912944266954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-30584045314931979372012-09-06T13:09:17.488-04:002012-09-06T13:09:17.488-04:00Tamara - first off, your writing is beautiful, ver...Tamara - first off, your writing is beautiful, very poetic. You do description very well. My first question is - how old is the mc? Your story seems to cover several years, but it's hard to tell in the query. That needs to be more obvious since it's unclear to me if it's MG or YA. My one major nitpick - you've used the word Trillua five times in your query. That's a lot. See if you can use that less. Other than that, it sounds like a wonderful story. I'm a big fan of anything parallel-dimension-ish!!Cheryl Koevoethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10329352060831213854noreply@blogger.com