tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post6280343987663381439..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: CAGI Entry #44CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-34672654499767629512012-09-17T12:02:26.765-04:002012-09-17T12:02:26.765-04:00@enigmasaurus
@enigmasaurus<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-70589846110431910472012-09-17T02:02:42.351-04:002012-09-17T02:02:42.351-04:00Jess--first off, congrats on your nod! Good luck! ...Jess--first off, congrats on your nod! Good luck! I think this last version is your best yet. I loved, loved your first 250!! The first paragraph--to me--was reminiscent of the beginning of Harry Potter on Privet Drive except a little more eloquent :) It definitely sets a mood and voice that are unique, interesting, and compelling.<br /><br />And secondly, I wanted to thank you for your kind words on my not making the grade. I wrote entry 100 and you made my night with your post. So, thank you. Now, I'm off to find you on twitter. I'm @wishwryter. Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-4303234195200914262012-09-15T19:43:31.271-04:002012-09-15T19:43:31.271-04:00Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his...Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control; since his mom died, that’s almost every day. If he doesn’t get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing everyone else seems to manage, someone’s going to figure out he’s a freak, and he’s terrified that someone will be his only friend, Rose.<br /><br />‘Normal’ seems out of reach when Simon learns he inherited his mom’s powers. He’s now Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between worlds. The connections are controlled by The Substrate, the sentient blank space in which a series of parallel worlds – including Earth – clump together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, the Substrate divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to humans in return for their loyal servitude. Now, it expects Simon to do its dirty work. <br /><br />When Rose disappears he knows he must find a way to refuse. He learns she’s stuck partway between worlds, in the blank of the Substrate. He knows he must help her but The Substrate has other ideas. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance; there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – a rogue sorcerer has found a way to sever all the linked worlds, risking every life within them. There sorcerer has one demand: he wants Rose, too.<br /><br />Simon must control his magic and stand up to the manipulative Substrate if he wants to navigate his way through Rose’s past. To find his friend and save the worlds, Simon must discover the link between Rose and the sorcerer, before she’s lost forever.<br /><br />__<br /><br />Another draft... not sure I managed to simplify though. I'll keep working at cutting back a bit more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-10375887771843507902012-09-15T16:27:22.613-04:002012-09-15T16:27:22.613-04:00Thanks sooo much Jessica! I really appreciate you ...Thanks sooo much Jessica! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. :) Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-37391088419344019122012-09-15T16:22:45.700-04:002012-09-15T16:22:45.700-04:00Hi Jess! First off, I completely agree with everyt...Hi Jess! First off, I completely agree with everything your judge said. This is your golden ticket: "WHO is your hero, WHAT does he want, and WHAT is the obstacle keeping him from getting it?"<br />In my humble opinion, the first paragraph isn't working. You're starting with too much world building, which *could* work, but the details are too confusing. Cut the first paragraph and start with the second.<br />I'll make some notes in text.<br /><br />Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was one of the Substrate’s agents [Instead of saying she was an agent of the Substrate, you might want to say what she could do. I.e. He didn't know his mother could _____ ], but when she is murdered, he inherits her powers . He becomes the Cartographer, the one magician with the power to control and map the ever-changing portals between the linked worlds [Maybe say our world and parallel universes]. *Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe?* [I honestly feel like this last sentence is more of a subplot and the following paragraph is your main conflict. I'd cut everything between the asterisks.} <br /><br />When Simon’s only friend [Rose] vanishes[ into the nothing place--a terrifying blank world--,] he knows he must find a way to refuse [find her?]. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. *This time, she hasn’t come back.* [Cut.] Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her, and he won’t lose her – she’s all he’s got. [Explain how giving up his job as a Cartographer will help find her.] *The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them.* [Cut]<br />If he wants to find Rose and save the worlds, Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses her forever.<br /><br />That's just my two cents. You've got to find a way to simplify, simplify, simplify. But your concept is fantastic! You're so close to having something amazing! JessicaJessica Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14957697121171675306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-14817498036899954092012-09-15T16:21:05.661-04:002012-09-15T16:21:05.661-04:00Wow Jennifer thanks so much. I actually like the f...Wow Jennifer thanks so much. I actually like the first query better in a lot of ways too. The second, I think, makes the plot sound a lot more complicated than it is (which is definitely not the impression I want to give). The first version had a lot more of Simon's voice. I love your structural ideas though in combining the two. It's very helpful! Let me know if you need any query tweaking (I know your 250 are rock solid)!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-89819823083759500522012-09-15T16:11:07.154-04:002012-09-15T16:11:07.154-04:00Hey Jess! So, I have to say, I like the voice in ...Hey Jess! So, I have to say, I like the voice in your earlier versions of your query and I'm not getting as much of that fun snark with this one, which makes it read a little more like a synopsis. Two other pet peeves. First, I want it to start with Simon. I care about SImon and it's HIS story, not The Substrate's. Second, I think the stakes are a little off in the last sentence. FInding Rose and saving the worlds shouldn't be getting equal billing- one is clearly much more grave than the other in the scheme of things and if the worlds aren't saved, Rose is gone anyway. So saving the world has to be the big one. <br /><br />I played around with some of your paragraphs from all the versions you posted. Some of the sentences are too long and, not having read this, I'm sure I'm misrepresenting some things. But I loved the voice from the earlier versions too much to see it go. This is definitely a rough draft, but maybe it will help you look at it differently. I know I've seen mine so many times I can't see the forest for the trees anymore!<br /><br />Here goes:<br /><br />Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control… and since he lost his mum that happens almost every day. He’s got to get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing everyone else seems to manage, because sooner or later someone’s going to figure out he’s a freak.<br /><br />Except being termed a freak becomes the least of Simon’s problems when he learns the secret behind his mother’s death. Turns out Mum was a Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between near worlds, all of which are controlled by The Substrate. This evil organization is the sentient foundation of all universes and has the power to clump parallel worlds together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, it divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to the humans inhabitants of its string of worlds in return for their loyal servitude. Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe? <br /><br />When Simon’s only friend vanishes he knows he must find a way to refuse. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. This time, she hasn’t come back. Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her but The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them. <br /><br />Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses Rose—or, even worse, the worlds—forever. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-67709877458035203912012-09-15T15:39:35.044-04:002012-09-15T15:39:35.044-04:00Tweaked query a little more:
The Substrate – the ...Tweaked query a little more:<br /><br />The Substrate – the sentient foundation of all universes – has the power to clump parallel worlds together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, it divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to the humans inhabitants of its string of worlds in return for their loyal servitude.<br /><br />Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was one of the Substrate’s agents, but when she is murdered, he inherits her powers. He becomes the Cartographer, the one magician with the power to control and map the ever-changing portals between the linked worlds. Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe? <br /><br />When Simon’s only friend vanishes he knows he must find a way to refuse. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. This time, she hasn’t come back. Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her, and he won’t lose her – she’s all he’s got. The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them.<br />If he wants to find Rose and save the worlds, Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses her forever. <br /><br />___<br /><br />Still thinking it's way too long... But I tweaked it slightly. I think I've got way too much in there. ZOMG I hate queries! :PAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-82468943324814597052012-09-14T15:07:21.915-04:002012-09-14T15:07:21.915-04:00Hello #44! I don’t have time for in-depth qualita...Hello #44! I don’t have time for in-depth qualitative analyses right now, but here is the language/spelling/punctuation-only grammar-fairy drive-by you requested on Twitter! Hope it helps you clean up for the next round.<br /><br /><b>Language notes on the query:</b><br /><br />* “He’s got to get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing” / “sneaking off to ‘book club meetings’”—I don’t know if this is intended for US audiences, but American English dictates double-quotes, not singles, in situations like you’ve got for “normal” and “book club meetings.”<br /><br />* “servants in tow – and so far” / “her friend Rawdon Abbington – a guy who’s virtually a fossil” / “his only advantage – he must control”—You’re consistently using en dashes where you should be using em dashes. Please look up usage guidelines for the difference between hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes, and apply globally.<br /><br />* “his power might be his only advantage – he must control it”—Just an opinion, but I think a semicolon works better than a dash here.<br /><br />* “Cyril's not going to wait”— I see a mixture of smart quotes and dumb quotes in this query. (Look at the apostrophe here in “Cyril’s”—it’s straight instead of curled like your other ones.) You need to really watch this sort of thing because it makes it clear the text has been transferred between formats and has undergone revisions in more than one program. I recommend switching all dumb quotes to smart quotes.<br /><br />* “Cyril's not going to wait to wait”—To wait to wait? <br /><br /><b>Language notes on your first 250:</b><br /><br />* Your first line is kind of a run-on sentence.<br /><br />* “he bowed and said, ‘It seems we’ve arrived.’”—If this is to be shopped in the USA, you need double-quotes for dialogue, not singles.<br /><br />Fingers crossed for your judge to smile upon your entry! (My not-so-lucky ten are already covered in grammar-fairy dust.)<br />Julie Sondra Deckerhttp://juliesondradecker.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-73883066096334082832012-09-13T18:22:11.437-04:002012-09-13T18:22:11.437-04:00Thanks so much! *blushes*Thanks so much! *blushes*Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-67684276482501169282012-09-13T17:21:07.188-04:002012-09-13T17:21:07.188-04:00This story sounds awesome! And I know the feeling ...This story sounds awesome! And I know the feeling of trying to fit in a complicated plot into a query synopsis. Urgh.<br /><br />In your revised query you posted in the comments, I think the second paragraph is stronger to start with. It ends with a mention of the Substrate, at which point you could do a brief definition of what that is. This would keep your initial focus of the query on your MC rather than the worldbuilding.<br /><br />I actually loved your first query, but not as a query, more as a teaser! As others have pointed out, it's pretty long and doesn't get through all a query needs to get through. I think you can salvage a lot from it, though! I love its opening paragraph, for instance. <br /><br />I also love your first 250 words. I can't wait until this book is on shelves, because I'm so going to buy it!<br /><br />Best of luck!Katie Slivenskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05444308135523718209noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-36903347900502081302012-09-12T23:17:40.212-04:002012-09-12T23:17:40.212-04:00Hi Jess!
I love love love this line from your 250...Hi Jess!<br /><br />I love love love this line from your 250: "Simon shuffled out of the car. The heat sucked all the sweat from his skin. He couldn’t help thinking the air was still thirsty."<br /><br />I immediately recognized it from Authoress's Secret Agent Contest! (I was entry 30 :))<br /><br />The intro to your query is amazing as well. It has a great voice and just sucked me right in. <br /><br />The issue I'm having is with the 2nd paragraph of your query. This sentence is too long. "Then one night she announces she’s got to go and right then and there she ships him off to stay with her friend Rawdon Abbington – a guy who’s virtually a fossil and possibly out of his gourd."<br /><br />You can probably take out "she announces she's got to go and right then and there" and replace it with "she leaves and ships him off.."<br /><br />The rest of it sounds good. Well done!<br /><br />Thanks for your helpful feedback on my CAGI entry! (95)Kristy Shenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15895893708061208660noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-53236444382881009212012-09-12T16:15:06.445-04:002012-09-12T16:15:06.445-04:00Hi Jess! Loved your first 250 at WriteOnCon and st...Hi Jess! Loved your first 250 at WriteOnCon and still think it's a wonderful open. Your dusty train station is so clear in my head, such a great job. <br /><br />Queries are tough as it is. With fantasy, you also have to deal with the world building. Trying to squeeze in world building and voice is so tricky. I really love the first paragraph in the 1st version of our query-- "Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really." <br /><br />It lets us know so much about Simon. What if you meshed the two? Something like, but still needs tweaking:<br /><br />Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control, and since he lost his mum that happens almost every day. Simon never knew his own mother was the Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between the near worlds. Now Simon has inherited her powers, and a powerful force wants him to handle its dirty work. <br /><br />Just a thought, because I love that first opening. :) Rina Heiselhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16428957510374534772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-30807849628563271702012-09-09T21:37:28.242-04:002012-09-09T21:37:28.242-04:00Okay, I liked this one so much better! I really go...Okay, I liked this one so much better! I really got a much better feel for your world and Simon’s power sounds so amazing. I think you can combine some sentences. Like: "After his mother's murder, Simon inherits her rare ability-the ability to sense the portals to other worlds. While scouting out portals, Simon meets Rose and soon discovers he is the only one who can see her. She vanish into a place she calls the Nothing Place and as her visits become rarer, Simon's afraid she'll vanish for good."<br /><br />Those are just a couple of my suggestions. If you can combine sentences into one powerful sentence, I think you have a better chance of catching an agent’s eye. Hope this helps! I love the sound of your book more and more!!<br />Jessica Rubinkowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06793145258772393885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-81711431128133233252012-09-09T21:35:49.439-04:002012-09-09T21:35:49.439-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jessica Rubinkowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06793145258772393885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-60872983633485005802012-09-08T18:40:37.725-04:002012-09-08T18:40:37.725-04:00Hi Jess! I see you're having trouble with the ...Hi Jess! I see you're having trouble with the query. In the original version I really liked the opening paragraph- after that it seemed to lose some oomph. Queries are obnoxious, but I am sure you'll sort it out!<br /><br />The 250 was charming and a nicely described opening to your story. I definitely pictured everything clearly. Simon sounds like a fun character and I would continue reading for sure x) Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668976392586668886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-57662077962564201522012-09-08T14:15:51.652-04:002012-09-08T14:15:51.652-04:00Yeah I agree about that - like I said I took more ...Yeah I agree about that - like I said I took more elements from my synopsis so it's reading a little 'synopsis like' - I'm still working on it :) I think there's much less of a sense of voice in query 2 as well, which I'd like to have in there... Thanks!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17231674606667531172012-09-08T13:51:32.590-04:002012-09-08T13:51:32.590-04:00Hey Jess,
Finally got the chance to drop by! Sorr...Hey Jess,<br /><br />Finally got the chance to drop by! Sorry that I'm VERY late to this party.<br /><br />Wow, it seems like you've built an amazing world with CARTOGRAPHER, full of surprises and wonder. Having read both the original query and the new one above this, I got the sense that your project is very similar to mine, ONE FIFTY ONE, in that you've got a huge world, with lots of really interesting characters, each of them is connected in some way, and your MC will meet them all throughout his journey. And in addition to cool things like magic and electricity, you've got a big concept about the Universe behind it all too.<br /><br />From my own experience and the feedback I've gotten, it's been difficult to query a project like this. There are so may cool things about the world to talk about — how to show a few choice details and characters, enough to get people intrigued and interested, and how to hold back on really interesting details that are cool, but can wait? It's tough because only you really know what your world has in store for people...<br /><br />So, as for the details in both your queries, I will say the second one stood out to me for the interesting elements you did reveal: the Substrate, magic, Cartography, and the connecting the MC has through his mom. The first query plays all of these down, but the second one presents them unapologetically, which I love. It just shouts "there's a lot of cool stuff in here!", which is great.<br /><br />My only comment on the second query, is that it feels like there are too many details and story threads in there. It seems like your MC, his missing mother, the villain magician, are the keys, maybe they're enough? Maybe and the Universe can be hinted at but not fully-explained. I love the cool premise of the Universe but I feel more of a tie to the MC, maybe that's the way to go...<br /><br />Sorry for the feedback dump, I just have a lot of similar feelings as you with my own project. Hope this helps!<br /><br />John<br />#30<br />John Krissilashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02683306221234743057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-86861671625548071042012-09-07T19:33:06.246-04:002012-09-07T19:33:06.246-04:00I thought I'd try out another draft. Not sure ...I thought I'd try out another draft. Not sure if it's plot soup (gah queries!) The elements I focussed on in the first query are actually more of a sub-plot, but I wanted to try out something different. A lot more of the plot centres on Simon and Rose (a previous query draft had a lot more of Rose in it - that one landed some full requests yay!) I've heard it's often best to pick out some of the main conflicts and focus on them and I wanted to test out people's response to a new angle. A very hard task this query biz - I've taken some elements for this new rough draft from my synopsis, which (I hope) ties it all together.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Bored and meddlesome, the Substrate – the sentient foundation of life and magic in which parallel worlds clump together like molecules – divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to humans in return for their loyal servitude.<br /><br />Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was the Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between the near worlds. When she is murdered he inherits her powers, and now the Substrate expects him to do its dirty work.<br /><br />While he’s learning to control his magic, he meets Rose and the two become friends. He soon realises only he can see her. She disappears and reappears at random, going to a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. As her disappearances become longer and more frequent, Simon’s terrified he might lose her forever. Learning to control his powers will have to wait; he’s got to find some way to help Rose. <br /><br />But a rouge magician, Cyril, wants Simon’s power. He’s lost something and he’s prepared search all the worlds to get it back; for that, he needs Cartography, and he’s willing to kill to take it. The Substrate doesn’t consider Simon’s little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance. It doesn't want its new prize put at risk for the sake of Cyril's relentless obsession. When Simon learns Rose is Cyril’s daughter, he knows he must escape the Substrate's influence and uncover the truth of Rose’s past before it’s too late.<br /><br />***<br /><br />So, obviously that's pretty rough and I'm sure it needs work - the last paragraph, I think, might be vague. Does it make sense? Thanks so much for all your feedback cagi peeps!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-12921061407295191552012-09-07T19:28:14.121-04:002012-09-07T19:28:14.121-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-47663799518465368402012-09-07T15:40:51.622-04:002012-09-07T15:40:51.622-04:00You're very welcome - I hope I helped, a littl...You're very welcome - I hope I helped, a little! :) Best of luck!Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08586071866045082842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-11441654994297579822012-09-07T14:09:20.171-04:002012-09-07T14:09:20.171-04:00Thanks so much Rick! :) I was actually coming in t...Thanks so much Rick! :) I was actually coming in to post a potential new query but I'm going to go query shark it up (er, read Janet and absorb her wisdom, that it) for a while - that's terrific advice. I'll have another play around with it. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-18653502355175282302012-09-07T13:45:50.185-04:002012-09-07T13:45:50.185-04:00Howdy there - I am your judge and I'm a bit la...Howdy there - I am your judge and I'm a bit late to the dinner party, so I apologize. Jess, I see that you're going to rework your query, which I think is wise.<br /><br />I think you start out strong (if a bit long; these details could be condensed), but you lose focus in the third paragraph. The biggest problem here is that while we know who the bad guy is, we have no idea what he wants or what's driving him.<br /><br />Janet Reid is fond of structuring queries as "WHO is your hero, WHAT does he want, and WHAT is the obstacle keeping him from getting it?"<br /><br />I'd suggest a query should work on this level for both the hero <i>and</i> the antagonist.<br /><br />Your first 250 words are gorgeous. Sophisticated for MG, but in a good way, and your prose is great. I do think there are a few places where sentences could be trimmed/tightened to give them that much more impact, but you are absolutely on the right track and I'm looking forward to seeing where this project goes.Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08586071866045082842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-26396851946969916692012-09-07T13:45:19.535-04:002012-09-07T13:45:19.535-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08586071866045082842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21929354652653184992012-09-07T13:38:38.838-04:002012-09-07T13:38:38.838-04:00Thanks! I'm having a go at doing the whole que...Thanks! I'm having a go at doing the whole query over - I'll see if I can work some of an Australiana feel in there. The wallaby becomes one of the characters.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.com