tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post6520442390527494099..comments2024-03-29T05:20:50.447-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #6CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-73230306803758078442013-01-17T15:03:01.699-05:002013-01-17T15:03:01.699-05:00Bummer! I hate it when I guess wrong. Ah, well. I ...Bummer! I hate it when I guess wrong. Ah, well. I really do think you've got a great thing going here. Please, please keep getting it out there. I feel confident it will find a home very soon.Bouncer Zapfinonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-25656961021878736172013-01-17T00:00:05.433-05:002013-01-17T00:00:05.433-05:00Bouncer Z--while I'm disappointed not to make ...Bouncer Z--while I'm disappointed not to make the final cut, I so, so appreciate your critique and suggestions. I love your ideas for my query. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the tweet doesn't have anything to do with Omar being blown up and Omar is blown up before they get to actually get to dinner.<br /><br />Thank you so much. You are so kind to give us such detailed feedback. It's been a pleasure to be rejected by you :)Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-67559410627739553042013-01-16T16:35:01.510-05:002013-01-16T16:35:01.510-05:00You have an intriguing premise here. I think your ...You have an intriguing premise here. I think your pushing the envelope on format and content is really refreshing and ultimately the right way to go. Your voice is solid, and you've definitely set up a wealth of questions for the reader to puzzle over right out of the gate. Great work.<br /><br />But I do think a little polishing would make this piece even better. For example, though your query is refreshing and new, it might seem to some agents a little gimmicky. I'm NOT suggesting you revert your query to the same 3-paragraph format everyone else is using, though. I <i>would</i>, however, consider switching up the order of things a little and beefing up some of the sentences you currently have.<br /><br />Here's what I'd suggest: "Yesterday, sixteen-year-old Bixby Darwin was Simon Rook. Today, he has a new name and a new home, courtesy of Witness Protection. Yesterday, he was avoiding the get-to-know-my-son lunch his mother set up with her new boyfriend. Today, said boyfriend is dead, victim of a bombing at his flower shop. Yesterday, Bix tweeted as a joke that his mom's new boyfriend was a terrorist. Today, he finds out that the father he's never met is an assassin*. Now he's living in a new town which seems to be hiding as many secrets as he is, so he's more than a little worried what tomorrow will bring**. SON OF A (HIRED) GUN is complete at 88,000 words." *I'd add a little bit more about the assassin thing in this sentence--is he an assassin for the government? for the mob? for the fun of it? Just a tiny bit more information here would make your query juicier, IMO. <br /><br />As for your first 250, great job bringing in the 21st century! I loved that you added stuff about blogging and tweeting. I know for a fact that 16-year-olds do both those things. A lot. So it's refreshing to see it incorporated in your story. And you do a great job of integrating it in a way that sounds like it's taken for granted. This is very important for realism, I think. Social media is a part of ordinary life now, so it shouldn't be treated like, 'Hey, look at this shiny new thing I'm doing! I'm capitalizing it and explaining it overly in ways normal people would never do!' So excellent job on that. I also like that you're setting up the tweet to be the cause of the inciting incident (or at least I'm really, really hoping you are, because that would SO ROCK). I also like Simon's voice. I can see him in my head already (he looks remarkably like my youngest brother did at that age), and I think that's important. But I do wonder about starting out the whole story with his angst about his father. He's never even met his father, so would it be at the forefront of his mind just then as he was getting ready to go out for dinner? Maybe it would since he's going to meet his mom's new beau. But the issue just seemed a bit too close to the surface, or maybe that I was going too deep into the character too fast. Consider starting the story while at the gloriously awkward dinner with Omar (I'm imagining it's gloriously awkward), so that we can see our hero in action, in conflict, and we can get the measure of him straight away. You could even have him tweet about it under the table, thus setting off the inciting incident (again, if I'm even right about that). And then bring in the blogging to his dad a little later in a quieter moment. Just a thought. :-)<br /><br />Anyway, once again, great entry. It was so hard to choose from all the fabulous entries I had to judge. You're doing great, and your ideas are solid, so keep up the good work!Bouncer Zapfinonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-37372562190425941082013-01-16T13:05:21.389-05:002013-01-16T13:05:21.389-05:00I think the query is interesting. You've said ...I think the query is interesting. You've said a lot in a few words. I love the voice in the 250--awesome. :) I would read more. (In fact, if you need a crit partner, look me up. (I'm also entry #11.)<br /><br />Good luck!Heather Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06699360166269376285noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-1894744368975698742013-01-16T09:15:17.078-05:002013-01-16T09:15:17.078-05:00To add one more thing to the above post...
Your q...To add one more thing to the above post...<br /><br />Your query is separated into to parts: the yesterday, toady, now part and the rest. If you read them separately, apart from the common name, they could be a part of two queries for two different stories.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-77395542549140634412013-01-16T09:09:06.897-05:002013-01-16T09:09:06.897-05:00I want to start out by saying I really like your q...I want to start out by saying I really like your query. It's a giant leap away from the norm and that is refreshing.<br /><br />I do have some concerns though. Though your query is unique, I don't know how it fits together. Why did Simon get put into witness protection? Does the CIA/FBI know Simon's father's identity and his general whereabouts...and that's why they relocated him? If that's the case, why move him to a town that his father has potential ties to? But that last question is an assumption that the town's secrets have something to do with Simon's father. Omar's terrorist cell could be station in the town for all I know. But I don't know, and that could be a big turnoff for agents. We have these great puzzle pieces that could potentially create a masterpiece...if only we knew how to put them together.<br /><br />You definitely have an intriguing query, and I wouldn't change the format if I were you. You just need to tie Simon's father, Omar, whatever gov't agency put him in WP, and the small town together.<br /><br />I hope this helps. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-47253101418690492212013-01-15T20:02:51.250-05:002013-01-15T20:02:51.250-05:00Thanks Saybe--I loved yours too. We assassins need...Thanks Saybe--I loved yours too. We assassins need to stick together.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35314987573397572013-01-15T20:01:45.392-05:002013-01-15T20:01:45.392-05:00Thanks Elodie! And congrats on your "in"...Thanks Elodie! And congrats on your "in"!Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-24356926143189442092013-01-15T19:58:05.237-05:002013-01-15T19:58:05.237-05:00Thanks so much, Laurie. Appreciate it.Thanks so much, Laurie. Appreciate it.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-4590858618346815632013-01-15T19:57:10.395-05:002013-01-15T19:57:10.395-05:00I'm full of surprises. Thanks for the kind wor...I'm full of surprises. Thanks for the kind words.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21139249558483499792013-01-15T19:56:06.188-05:002013-01-15T19:56:06.188-05:00Ohh, Stephanie, feel free to gush. I can take it :...Ohh, Stephanie, feel free to gush. I can take it :).<br />Seriously, thanks so much for the compliments.Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-42750963148006784162013-01-15T19:54:50.642-05:002013-01-15T19:54:50.642-05:00Thanks so much!Thanks so much!Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-12770092038671318402013-01-15T00:10:30.057-05:002013-01-15T00:10:30.057-05:00I've seen this in other contests and still lov...I've seen this in other contests and still love the concept and the voice. :) I really like your unorthodox query, I think it works (at least for me) in setting up the voice of the book. You've made a few tweaks to it since the last time I saw it and think it's improved.<br />Good luck from entry #1!Seabrookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09400079400485962650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-13830573253912962322013-01-14T23:03:43.186-05:002013-01-14T23:03:43.186-05:00I love this! The voice totally drew me in and the ...I love this! The voice totally drew me in and the unusual query really works for me too :-)<br /><br />Best of luck!!!<br /><br />#37<br />Elodiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10617288449988402123noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-29173454915727839882013-01-14T21:33:46.541-05:002013-01-14T21:33:46.541-05:00Great first lines, both query and opening. What ke...Great first lines, both query and opening. What kept me reading was the voice though, fresh and young without sounding forced or fake. I don't write YA but I read it often and this I really like! <br /><br />#16Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09788049385326789828noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-75383639495487136862013-01-14T16:49:03.636-05:002013-01-14T16:49:03.636-05:00I like this, and it surprised me. The unusual quer...I like this, and it surprised me. The unusual query works for me. I have a feel for the book in a few lines. Interesting. <br /><br />I also like the blog/tweet contemporary thing mixed with assassins. Gossip Girl-for guys-with killers? ;) I do hope the Dad is a good guy. I'd read this. Good Luck!<br /><br />I'm #12Marie Langagerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04149256009620791970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-79375962004602573652013-01-14T16:14:17.480-05:002013-01-14T16:14:17.480-05:00I agree with aereichert! I thought your unique que...I agree with aereichert! I thought your unique query style totally worked and I loved your title (so cute). I don't want to be too gushy, but I really thought all this was great! I enjoyed your first 250 words, especially the first line! I would definitely keep reading. Great job!<br /><br />Good luck!Stephanie Garberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05418429225626297957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-82356184570208368742013-01-14T14:55:32.415-05:002013-01-14T14:55:32.415-05:00I think this sounds great. I love your unusual que...I think this sounds great. I love your unusual query. It is an unorthodox approach that works well. I also like your voice. I would love to read more. Good luck.aereicherthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00548305046663514133noreply@blogger.com