tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post6705382821404142222..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: CAGI Entry #93CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-87501580268352959452012-09-16T15:56:59.438-04:002012-09-16T15:56:59.438-04:00Thanks for the suggestions about the category. I&#...Thanks for the suggestions about the category. I've struggled with that a lot, and I think you're right, Science Fiction is a better label for it. That's what I'm calling it in my revised version for the Agent Round. I'm glad you liked my opening page!Carla Luna Cullenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10245197620080383172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-38259293479506578072012-09-15T21:57:10.136-04:002012-09-15T21:57:10.136-04:00Wow, I'd read this. I love the retelling of th...Wow, I'd read this. I love the retelling of the Pied Piper and the dystopian setting. Both the query and the first words draw me in.mia celestehttp://www.miaceleste.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21363966767161677072012-09-15T08:09:55.142-04:002012-09-15T08:09:55.142-04:00I liked the premise, but I have to agree with Rick...I liked the premise, but I have to agree with Rick. The query was confusing. Marisa is a circus performer. Usually, circus performers live on site. What tragic accident? How does that leave Marisa penniless? I'm not following how she ended up in the ghetto. How her family is tied into her and circus. Are they also part of the circus? She is 17-years-old. LOVE THE FLUTE-CHARMING ANIMALS.<br /><br />You got some great, helpful advice. THE PAGES OMG - LOVE LOVE LOVE. I felt myself running with her. Damn flip-flops. What's on fire :) NICE! Good luck.Robbinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13340267650156858452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-73144735364963975672012-09-15T02:07:40.818-04:002012-09-15T02:07:40.818-04:00I love this query and your concept. The title is p...I love this query and your concept. The title is perfect. Any comments I have were already said in other comments. This is a strong submission and I hope you make it through to the next round! And if you don't, then I hope you find success elsewhere. :) Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-78419750350219486512012-09-14T23:05:32.918-04:002012-09-14T23:05:32.918-04:00You have a typo in the very first line of your que...You have a typo in the very first line of your query: It should read "As *A* circus performer".<br /><br />I also find the query confusing in general because your premise sounds very, very sci-fi to me, but you've categorized it as fantasy. I have to be honest and say that kind of disparity up front throws me off quite a bit, and I was also confused about the setting the first time I read this.<br /><br />THAT SAID. I think your opener is VERY strong (and I like all the things that Jessica hates, ha!). Like, I really dig it and I want to read more. <br /><br />Sometimes the pages are just straight-up better than the query. I think this is one of those times.Rickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08586071866045082842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-6628466802028554122012-09-14T13:32:31.877-04:002012-09-14T13:32:31.877-04:00I would agree with the editing advice you've a...I would agree with the editing advice you've already been given so I won't go there--but,<br /><br />I LOVE your title, your main character, your plot, and would love to read it someday. <br /><br />Good luck!Margiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03843006118151762550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-29897037226616217542012-09-14T12:44:51.739-04:002012-09-14T12:44:51.739-04:00It can be hard to sum up a complex plot in a query...It can be hard to sum up a complex plot in a query. I think you've done pretty well though. I definitely like this retelling idea you've got. Retellings have been popular recently (not sure if it's a trend? or has been a trend? or just gearing up? hard to tell). Anyway, it's one of the really good ones I've seen recently. Chilling concept!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-86598748970211961942012-09-13T22:38:51.684-04:002012-09-13T22:38:51.684-04:00Gotcha! That totally works. Goodness knows, it'...Gotcha! That totally works. Goodness knows, it's a real threat (bird flu research anyone?) and has, in fact, happened.Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-9551706817028255442012-09-13T11:54:28.302-04:002012-09-13T11:54:28.302-04:00I love modern retellings, and the Pied Piper is a ...I love modern retellings, and the Pied Piper is a very interesting (and good) choice. Based on the query alone (and it's very well structured), I would read this. Everyone has covered the editing aspects and I agree with them. Heather and Seabrooke make very good points as well. Overall, I think you've done a very good job here. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-46316553955785721882012-09-13T11:46:57.986-04:002012-09-13T11:46:57.986-04:00Seabrooke and Heather - thanks for your great comm...Seabrooke and Heather - thanks for your great comments! I love getting inside info from people in the field. The full story isn't apparent from my query letter, but the reason Dyna wants to round up the rats is to get rid of them. They're infected with a dangerous experimental virus. So, they're not going to study them, but they don't want them to infect the population!Carla Luna Cullenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10245197620080383172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-80882440941536238152012-09-13T02:47:06.342-04:002012-09-13T02:47:06.342-04:00I love the premise of this. :) I agree you've ...I love the premise of this. :) I agree you've got lots of good editing advice and I don't feel I can really add anything there. I'm a biologist, too, so can support Heather's comment that as a general rule, research subjects escaping their controlled conditions pretty much screws the project. However, if they had a huge number of rats, and they can recover enough of them, and they can still identify which was which (assuming different treatment groups), then by virtue of the large number they can *probably* eliminate possible outside contamination as a contributing factor to the observed results. (I mean, think about human studies. It's impossible to control the environment of all the humans participating. But they can get around this with number.) And so the rats could still have value for data. Alternatively, there is also the competition angle that Heather suggests in terms of protecting their data/knowledge.<br /><br />Anyway, I enjoyed both the query and the excerpt and think you've got a unique story here. Good luck!Seabrookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09400079400485962650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-7668537708774397332012-09-13T01:03:29.212-04:002012-09-13T01:03:29.212-04:00Hey - you've already gotten good editing advic...Hey - you've already gotten good editing advice, so I'll just throw this out there. I'm a research scientist, and while I don't work with vertebrates, I can categorically say a bunch of lab rats that escape into the outside world just totally lost their value. In any study, you want the subjects to have as few uncontrolled influences as possible (like picking up parasites, diseases, etc.) that wouldn't apply to the entire group. Of course you very probably address this - maybe Dyna doesn't want their competitors getting their hands on the rats because they've been genetically altered or some such. I'm not trying to be nit-picky here - just letting you know what will be coming at you if these issues aren't clear. And by the way, I think your premise is unique, creative and very intriguing.Heather Hawkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16098673743504191567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-3299996774635863292012-09-12T21:56:16.384-04:002012-09-12T21:56:16.384-04:00OMG your concept! It is AMAZING. I would buy this ...OMG your concept! It is AMAZING. I would buy this so fast, just by reading the query. I thought "Oh, I could pre-order this" until I realized you're seeking an agent, and sadly, it hasn't sold. But it must. IT MUST!Lindsay Cummings authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06721618350348515189noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-67694998409225116092012-09-12T21:36:33.164-04:002012-09-12T21:36:33.164-04:00What an unusual premise. I like it. The first line...What an unusual premise. I like it. The first line of your query threw me a bit. It seems to be missing an "a". And I would change strain of rat to species of rat.<br /><br />The voice is good in the first 250. I would leave out "on my mattress" unless you're trying to make a point that she's not on the floor. You might get rid of "a rarity in this neighborhood" too. Your next line makes that clear. And I agree with the previous comment about the cash and the flute. Let her check on it instead of telling us that she hides it and where. <br /><br />I would definitely keep reading. Good job!Stephanie C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-43058010945522588642012-09-12T20:59:27.684-04:002012-09-12T20:59:27.684-04:00This reads really well and I think it could be the...This reads really well and I think it could be the start of something good :) <br /><br />Some suggestions for possible edits: <br /><br />'The sirens sound like they’re right outside my door.' - I struggled with this sentence straight up. It just didn't do it for me. One possible alternative is to begin with 'Burrowing...' then add 'of the sirens' after 'noise'.<br /><br />'Without my trusty fan whirring away, my room is stifling.' You might conider dropping this. It's telling, and somewhat obvious given the next line, which more effectively shows us it is hot. <br /><br />'a few cockroaches skitter away into the shadows.' Nice.<br /><br />'I slip on flip-flops,' Maybe add 'my'<br /><br />'but hesitate before unbolting my door.' You could maybe reverse this to 'before unbolting the door, I hesitate' to make 'hesitate' more of an action.<br /><br />'Sirens usually mean cops' - or ambulances, fire trucks... <br /><br />'What little cash I have is hidden behind a loose cinder block in the wall, along with my precious silver flute.' You might consider rejigging this and the last sentence. They're telling now, but could easily be showing e.g. 'I lift a little cinder block, dislodging a little roll of cash and my precious silver flute' - or something.<br /><br />'but I’d be devastated if someone took my flute.' again I'd love to be shown this. Perhaps an action, maybe have your character check it over very carefully? Or smile at it?<br /><br />'acrid smell of smoke.' - just one more nit - I see the word acrid coupled with smoke really often. I'm not sure it is becoming cliched, but just thought I'd say something.<br /><br />Anyway, I think this reads pretty well and you've got a good premise. You could tighten just a litlle to get us to the action quicker I suppose, but it's hard to judge in 250. As it stands I'd keep reading, well done :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.com