tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post6959540140178059060..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #118CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-32807482688891768282013-02-05T12:16:07.743-05:002013-02-05T12:16:07.743-05:00Thank you so much for these comments! They are rea...Thank you so much for these comments! They are really helpful. I have been struggling with the opening pages for some time now, and these suggestions really help. I think I will change them for future submissions so that it is the MC's voice right from the beginning. <br /><br />Also, thanks for the suggestions on the query letter. It's nice to have this great feedback!kpwinnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18169958859730177190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-45321461353133585662013-02-04T22:08:34.282-05:002013-02-04T22:08:34.282-05:00I wonder if you could give a little more informati...I wonder if you could give a little more information on the Citadel in your query. The premise of your story is interesting, but I think you could hook people in even more if you distinguished your story's dystopian government in some way. Just a suggestion. I'm with the others in saying that I like the idea of your mc being on the side of the government, at least at the beginning of the story. Best of luck in the contest!Erin L. Funkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00068394727011130144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-73354390966063253432013-02-04T21:22:30.240-05:002013-02-04T21:22:30.240-05:00I love the idea of a kid whose on the side of the ...I love the idea of a kid whose on the side of the government in a dystopian story.<br /><br />At first I found the two different POVs in the opening a little jarring, but by the time I got to the last paragraph, it flowed well for me. Though it's always a gamble to not have your MC in the opening paragraphs. Overall I liked it: the image of a girl completely oblivious to the coming danger. (At least I assume it's a coming danger). <br /><br />Good job and good luck!<br /><br />~Mandy (entry #130)Mandy P.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-7380640651689868552013-02-04T21:17:24.081-05:002013-02-04T21:17:24.081-05:00Ooooh, really loving this concept. I agree with L...Ooooh, really loving this concept. I agree with Laura about the beginning of your query. I would change it to this: Fourteen-year-old Quinn is 99% positive that the Citadel is perfect and knows what’s best for its citizens.<br /><br />Because I was hooked by your premise in your query letter, the first 250 were a bit of a let down. The writing itself is strong, but it reads like a prologue. I wanted to launch right into Quinn. At first I thought we might be watching the men with Quinn, but as we moved forward I saw that wasn't so. Is this a prologue? I would still like to read more because I really like your concept, though.<br /><br />Best of luck!!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-74709374336650620942013-02-04T10:19:44.767-05:002013-02-04T10:19:44.767-05:00Nice idea: someone who turns other people in - is ...Nice idea: someone who turns other people in - is "the bad guy", but doesn't realize it. <br /><br />In your query, I suggest you remove the brainwashed part and just jump to Quinn being 99% positive. I'm not sure if you need the last sentence in the first paragraph since it is a bit vague and the next two paragraphs have more detail. One thing I wonder is what prompts Quinn to find out what happens to those he turns in if he's so certain of his employers.<br /><br />In your first 250, I was a little surprised to see that Quinn doesn't make an appearance. <br /><br />Anyway, I think you have an interesting idea and wish you good luck!<br />#112Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.com