tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post7274020464171477253..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #65CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-584114140566157342013-01-23T22:08:39.626-05:002013-01-23T22:08:39.626-05:00So I want to give everyone feedback, even when I d...So I want to give everyone feedback, even when I don't write those magical words. First, I love the name Wren. In fact, I have a MG project I'm working right now with a MC named Wren. Good choice. Not that I'm biased or anything. :) I think your query is solid. It communicates well and has the right voice. I like the strength of your MC - that definitely shows in your first 250. My main hangup was that something felt a little too modern about the setting - "buffet table" and "tourist" seemed to clash with my expectation for "alchemist clan"...so maybe consider how to make those more consistent? I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best with your writing!Bouncer AsYouWishnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21443087104848741552013-01-23T20:31:45.866-05:002013-01-23T20:31:45.866-05:00Howdy!
I do like your concept - hard to resist an...Howdy!<br /><br />I do like your concept - hard to resist an alchemy / steampunk / magic combo.<br /><br />Looking at your query, I feel like you can start stronger. You need to have a line that hooks the reader in, but right now it's a little vague. Perhaps you can start off the query by speaking of how she's sworn to protect her sister from an enemy clan, but how can she protect her from an enemy she's fallen for? Something like that (but better of course lol.) This brings your character + conflict together all in one sentence. Then you can build on with some meaty story goodness lol.<br /><br />As for your first 250 I love how descriptive you are and how you bring me into your MC's mind. As said above, it can be a bit tighter but I do like what you are conveying but some can be moved or even removed to make it move faster. Then again, I'm horrible with writing effective prologues so take what I say with a grain of salt. <br /><br />Keep at it though - the story sounds intriguing and I would want to read more.<br /><br />Good job and good luck!<br /><br />-Copernicus (post #43)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03926485525082822436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-69037440938492748912013-01-22T09:57:21.578-05:002013-01-22T09:57:21.578-05:00Thanks for the great feedback guys! Best of luck t...Thanks for the great feedback guys! Best of luck to everyone!!<br />Kaye Draperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09134006398950107252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-41767730620384536202013-01-21T19:46:47.072-05:002013-01-21T19:46:47.072-05:00I love the plot! It kinda reminded me of Through T...I love the plot! It kinda reminded me of Through The Ever Night by Veronica Rossi in the fact that your MC has to go leave with the enemy. Awesome. I feel like the prolonge could be rewritten to sound less floaty and dreamy and more, I don't know... sharp, maybe? If the MC is a hunter/protector, than I feel like that should be reflected in the writing. I pictured a princess before I pictured a huntress.<br /><br />Good luck!!Ariannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13789634822460490560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-24379862452929749132013-01-21T12:46:41.600-05:002013-01-21T12:46:41.600-05:00My first clanging question (which may have not let...My first clanging question (which may have not let me read the rest objectively) is what does she shift? Given the popularity of Janice Hardy's SHIFTER, I think you need to very clearly specify how this is different.<br /><br />I think your writing is quite good, although the first lines of the prologue (which often isn't recommended) led me to imagine her floating away, setting down her glass as she hovered. Pulled me out until I decided that probably wasn't what you meant.<br /><br />Otherwise, I was curious about this boy and if the mc of the prologue (don't know if she's Wren, one of the problems with prologues) can get out of this situation. I'd keep reading.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-70374205208093648302013-01-21T04:35:30.061-05:002013-01-21T04:35:30.061-05:00The story sounds interesting.
In the query, I l...The story sounds interesting. <br /><br />In the query, I like the first two lines, but would suggest getting a little more specific after that. What about the boy makes her question everything, even going so far as disloyalty? Also, the last sentence has a typo (an dadult).<br /><br />In the first 250, in the first line, I suggest you cut "my" before "freedom". It might be good to replace one of the times you used "touch" in the first paragraph with another word. In the line about the meeting being mandatory, I think it should read "my sister and me" since you'd never say "mandatory for I".<br /><br />From what I've seen, I'd keep reading. Good luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.com