tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post7514924363780283381..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #131CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-58104103195771063042013-02-06T17:44:21.834-05:002013-02-06T17:44:21.834-05:00I would love to read this. It sounds really fun. I...I would love to read this. It sounds really fun. I do question starting off with the flashback. I'm not sure this is the right starting point. I also start my MS on the first day of school (it's MG, not YA) and I've taken a lot of flack over it. So you may want to think about that, too. Overall, though, I'd read this in a heartbeat. Totally my kind of story. Good luck!!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-48651381614734252062013-02-05T22:33:06.643-05:002013-02-05T22:33:06.643-05:00I love the first line of your query, and the way y...I love the first line of your query, and the way you've set all of this up I'd definitely read further to see some interaction between Brooklynn and Grayson. Best of luck in the contest!Erin L. Funkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00068394727011130144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-37664680520321884222013-02-05T16:49:53.026-05:002013-02-05T16:49:53.026-05:00Something about this keeps me comingback and rerea...Something about this keeps me comingback and rereading. I think I just really like it. The first line--and really the whole first paragraph--of your query is GREAT.<br /><br />Then, I agre with the above posters about details. I need more of them. Was Grayson really a sadistic little twit, or was this "typical" childhood teasing that the MC took hard? Specifics of what was so unforgiveable would be excellent. <br /><br />I'm also not sure I love the flashback, especially with the self-quote, as the opener in your 250. <br /><br />I think you've got some fabulous voice going on, and the more you can bring that out via unique details on the storytelling, the better. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-28895347309049518792013-02-04T19:37:06.500-05:002013-02-04T19:37:06.500-05:00I love her describing their relationship as 'a...I love her describing their relationship as 'a torturous coexistence on this planet'. I agree that a clarification in the query on how exactly Grayson is going to help her would be great, because then we would really understand the stakes. Is he going to get her an internship? Is he friends with some fashion big wig? What does his help actually mean?<br /><br />Starting the story with a flashback did throw me off a little and I'm a little confused as to what exactly Grayson did. Did he push her down? Trip her? How did he give her that banged up knee? I think if you clarify these things, it will be really strong.<br /><br />~Mandy (#130)Mandy P.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02453249544598951624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-65475012077062048682013-02-04T19:23:08.578-05:002013-02-04T19:23:08.578-05:00A little more in the way of specifics would really...A little more in the way of specifics would really help the query. I want to know what Grayson did and what he does to help Brooklynn out in the present.<br /><br />Nice place to start the book though. You throw us right into her problem and show us what it is.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-53593044497459600722013-02-04T18:01:35.379-05:002013-02-04T18:01:35.379-05:00Abby is my hero. I keep running into her comments ...Abby is my hero. I keep running into her comments and they're just spot on. Overall, your query is strong. I want to request pages without reading the sample. The two things that she mentioned will knock it out of the park!<br /><br />I like where you start this book. You set us right down in her brief memory of Grayson and we know that this has haunted her every year since then. I wanted to keep reading because I wanted to hit that moment when she spots him - when she realizes that he's back!<br /><br />Good luck!Jennie Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02088195986628533511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17097568035364606792013-02-04T16:12:30.682-05:002013-02-04T16:12:30.682-05:00I think with more specific details your query coul...I think with more specific details your query could be really great. I'd love to know what Grayson did to her, so we can hate him as much as she does. ;) And I'd like to know what the partnership is that he offers, so we know why she can't resist. Does that make sense?<br /><br />As for the first 250, if you're going to start with her reminiscing about the event that led to her hating Grayson, I think you should tell us what happened or at least give a stronger hint. When Grayson finally appears, I want to feel that dread at seeing him that she does.<br /><br /><i>Seventeen-years-old and I still hold onto memories of the boy who made my life miserable for years.</i> Eight grade wasn't that long ago. It makes sense that she'd still be holding on to memories of painful/upsetting experiences with him. I think you can cut this line.<br /><br />Also, it should be "eight-year-old" (with hyphens) and "seventeen years old" (no hyphens).<br /><br />I love that this story takes place in Arizona. I lived there most of my life and went to school in Mesa. It's definitely hot there, and usually pretty humid when school is starting. Not necessarily something you need to change because it's not always humid in August, but I don't know if "fresher" would be the best way to describe the air that time of year. Not unless it's overcast and rainy. Just my opinion, of course.<br /><br />Good luck to you! :)<br /><br />#114 Abby Annishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05543937393055900844noreply@blogger.com