tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post7907763984446469057..comments2024-03-29T05:20:50.447-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Bouncer Post #83CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-35610014340005381522013-02-07T07:10:56.674-05:002013-02-07T07:10:56.674-05:00I loved this query. I was pulled in and ready to ...I loved this query. I was pulled in and ready to read the story. I would have picked this one right away. I would have commented right after it was posted, actually tried, but I can't seem to post from my phone. Anyway, I was really hoping this one made it to the agent round. Loved it!!NancyAnne Bikovhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15998887990671459434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-55281585701248162662013-01-29T20:04:09.440-05:002013-01-29T20:04:09.440-05:00I love the first two paragraphs of your query! The...I love the first two paragraphs of your query! They immediately pull me in. I also love the last line of your fourth paragraph - strong ending. Both your query and your first 250 are full of conflict and voice. Best of luck to you!Kimberly Gabrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05588782441929008886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-14125340834495523182013-01-28T19:45:23.218-05:002013-01-28T19:45:23.218-05:00Thanks for the advice. I totally changed my query,...Thanks for the advice. I totally changed my query, and this is the first time it's been 'in public.' So I appreciate your comments and will work on that.Suzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16502606950280751205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-86570651292199166192013-01-28T18:38:00.594-05:002013-01-28T18:38:00.594-05:00I agree with pretty much everything Suja mentioned...I agree with pretty much everything Suja mentioned. <br /><br />There are too many names in the query. I got really confused with the line introducing Sasha and the line after it. I think the query might work a little better if the focus was on Chloe trying to figure out why her brother killed himself instead of getting into the stuff about him being molested. <br /><br />However, the first 250 were brilliant. I was hooked by the first sentence and I love how I already felt like I knew her brother even though he is just a voice in her head. Really, the MC's voice is great too. I loved the bit about her not being "mental".<br /><br />I think that by cutting a few names and simplifying the ideas in the query letter, you could really improve it and take away a lot of the confusion.<br /><br />Best of luck!<br /><br />-Amber (#102) Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04803751424984029342noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-298948909715908122013-01-28T18:20:53.309-05:002013-01-28T18:20:53.309-05:00I really love the premise here and the voice in th...I really love the premise here and the voice in the 250. But the query sort of confused me a bit, mainly because of the number (and names) of characters included. The part that her brother was abused came as a surprise.<br />I'd suggest not trying to give too much information and try mentioning the characters by their relationship to the MC, so we don't get confused by too many names. I love the first sentence in the query. That was awesome. It gives me immediate stakes and hooked me in right away. <br />Great job on the 250. Best of luck!<br /><br /><br />#72Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.com