tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post8322291657253391996..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: CAGI Entry #31CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-48889506617053203652012-09-15T14:24:54.625-04:002012-09-15T14:24:54.625-04:00I like your first 250--I can tell why you made the...I like your first 250--I can tell why you made the agent round, so congrats. <br /><br />A few suggestion to consider in revising:<br /><br />I don't think this line is needed: “Everyone knows what will happen if they touch you.”<br />It feels like exposition, and you say enough elsewhere in this passage to show that the MC touching something is not a good thing. Take this out and I think it will flow better. <br /><br />It threw me off that Scar is capitalized; if it had a name like Birth Scar or whatever type of origin/meaning the scar has, I think it would work better. Right now we don't know the mythology behind the scars so capitalization of it feels odd. I would also suggest continuing the dialogue in those last paragraphs so continue the feel of something currently happening instead of just story set-up.<br /><br />Overall, this is strong. Good luck!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-30696219631887336152012-09-12T14:41:39.385-04:002012-09-12T14:41:39.385-04:00Thanks so much for the critique!Thanks so much for the critique!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-17628647312645485972012-09-06T11:19:05.212-04:002012-09-06T11:19:05.212-04:00I did change the last half of the query since Writ...I did change the last half of the query since WriteOn. I'm so glad you like the change!Ambiguous_Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14401920531742299549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-50887142984423430932012-09-06T10:58:44.166-04:002012-09-06T10:58:44.166-04:00I really like the premise of your story!
The last ...I really like the premise of your story!<br />The last line of your "first 250" definitely makes me want to read more.There is emotion within your writer's voice and as a reader I love that!Annie Quintyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13058679264240885320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-23421390414773562422012-09-05T23:18:25.951-04:002012-09-05T23:18:25.951-04:00I remember this from WriteOn. I liked it then, an...I remember this from WriteOn. I liked it then, and i like it now. Did you change the last line? Something about it feels even more powerful than I remember from the first time - nice job! <br /><br />I also enjoyed the first 250 - I think they do a nice job of setting up your MC's situation. Well done all around!SStokeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03607391693287377280noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-27822847430597837222012-09-05T16:58:11.809-04:002012-09-05T16:58:11.809-04:00I thought I already commented on this one - it rea...I thought I already commented on this one - it really stood out for me when I read the entries earlier. I like the premise very much.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21323052360747063372012-09-05T11:28:11.922-04:002012-09-05T11:28:11.922-04:00Interesting premise. The 250 is what really sucked...Interesting premise. The 250 is what really sucked me in, especially your last line. Good luck!Sarah Hensonhttp://wordencounters.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-5268978698765523542012-09-05T11:27:22.449-04:002012-09-05T11:27:22.449-04:00I really like the start of this query and there’s ...I really like the start of this query and there’s not much about this that I would change. What feedback I would give is to get Wren’s voice into the query to make it really standout in another market that tends to be overcrowded, because it sounds like a mash-up of dystopian, fantasy, and paranormal. <br /><br />Voice is hard sometimes to get into a query. I’d suggest writing it 1st person, from your heroine’s POV, as if she had to tell people about her life, and then flip it over to 3rd person. <br /><br />I also like how the first 250 ends. I want to know why they haven’t experienced the temperature. <br /><br />Very interesting premise. I would like to read more. Jennifer L. Armentrouthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00913648987251002847noreply@blogger.com