tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post4552625474926150279..comments2024-03-20T07:22:57.464-04:00Comments on Cupid's Literary Connection: Query Crit #10CUPIDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01726782711068858241noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-22750047946682090342012-04-29T23:07:20.300-04:002012-04-29T23:07:20.300-04:00thank you for sharingthank you for sharingghulam sarwarhttp://designs-article.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-40500794269701540382012-04-27T23:10:34.278-04:002012-04-27T23:10:34.278-04:00I liked this a lot. The items that tripped up othe...I liked this a lot. The items that tripped up other people above didn't bother me (go subjectivity! :P), but the one thing that REALLY stood out to me was the opening. A lot of email programs give a preview of the first few words of emails (Gmail, for example) before they're read, so having "I've been following you..." as the opening could very well send an agent reaching for the delete button without even opening it! You might want to try putting your hook first instead and saving the personalization for later in the query. :)MarcyKatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08303670174583471227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-36076750897508569372012-04-27T08:08:12.711-04:002012-04-27T08:08:12.711-04:00Your story sounds great! I think the thing that th...Your story sounds great! I think the thing that throws me off is in the second paragraph. I understand the body is what leads to her getting bitten, but what does the demon-summoning board member have to do with it? <br /><br />Everyone else has offered other advice that's good, too. With a little tightening on your phrases, you could give us just a little more detail of what Sydney faces and how Mr. Dimitrius fits in the middle of it all.Brandi M. Lynchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08648502344247439901noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-21842576525194548782012-04-25T21:19:29.832-04:002012-04-25T21:19:29.832-04:00Okay, put me on your pre-order list. :p
A.J. &am...Okay, put me on your pre-order list. :p <br /><br />A.J. & Mark both bring up some good points. Listen to them. <br /><br />My other thought is this sounds a lot like "Men in Black". Nothing wrong with that, but you may want to acknowledge it a bit. As far as I know, there's nothing wrong with using movies in your comparables.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10072706769675479529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-16858098021953720212012-04-25T17:20:38.761-04:002012-04-25T17:20:38.761-04:00This definitely sounds interesting, but I agree wi...This definitely sounds interesting, but I agree with A.J. I think you need a little more meat in this query.<br /><br />What is the central conflict? Is it hunting down the monsters of NYC, or is it the fact that she's been bitten?<br /><br />What has bitten her? You say her humanity is called into question but give no reasons why. Is she having mood swings and irritability, or is she attacking innocent people and sprouting lumps all over her body?<br /><br />Who is Mr. Dimitrius? What does he have to do with the plot? I have a feeling he may be important to the story, but I'm not sure. If you're going to mention someone by name in a query, do it early on.<br /><br />Also, some of your phrases could be substituted for single words. "In the process of investigating" could just be "While investigating, ..." "Before she can manage to put a bullet in its head" could be "Before putting a bullet in its head, ..." I know I sound nit-picky, but you've only got 250 words in a query, and if those phrases can be substituted for more "meat," I think you'll have a pretty good query.<br /><br />Good luck!Mark O'Brienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13933613503664916873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3349220550249399644.post-15516177359533133382012-04-25T16:38:28.170-04:002012-04-25T16:38:28.170-04:00While I like the voice of your query, I think that...While I like the voice of your query, I think that it doesn't give enough specific information so I don't feel like I know enough about your world to differentiate it from another urban fantasy novel. What kind of monsters does Sidney hunt? vampires, werewolves, ghosts, demons, etc? Knowing more about the world can help the reader understand and care more about what happens to Sidney when she gets bitten. Also, is Mr. Dimitrius a monster creature himself or is he human? And other than the mention of Mitch being a love interest he doesn't add much to the query since it's not even he who can help Sidney. I'm clear on who your heroine is but not really on what the stakes and consequences are for her, will the bite she received eventually kill her? Does she have powers emerging because of it? Will she suddenly be viewed as dangerous because of whatever Mr. Dimitrius says she is?<br /><br />Over I think a little more specificity will help your query.A.J. Lockehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08514343224203400113noreply@blogger.com