Sixteen-year-old
Clementine wants to grow old and live in a place where the moon is a beautiful,
glowing orb in the sky instead of an acid-bleeding menace to the planet. So
when she wins a shot at life far from the planet surface, she takes it
willingly, even if it means leaving her best friend, Logan, behind.
In the planet core, which
after centuries has been transformed into a steel-made place of inhabitance
more like a space ship, Clementine lives, for the first time, without fear.
Underground, there is no starvation, there are no crowbar-wielding security
officials, and the moon is far enough away that no one speaks of it.
Then Clementine learns the
planet leaders are going to murder Logan.
Now trapped by the steel
walls of the underground and the lies that keep her safe, Clementine must find
a way to escape and rescue Logan. But the planet leaders don't want her
running. They want her subdued.
Complete at 73,000 words,
EXTRACTION is a science fiction novel for
young adults that will appeal to readers of Veronica Roth's DIVERGENT and Beth
Revis's ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.
Your world definitely sounds interesting, but I was thrown by the sudden announcement that the leaders want Logan dead. Why do they want him dead? The query doesn't indicate that Logan is anything more than Clementine's best friend, so I would want to know what it is about him that would make the leaders want him dead. Are the leaders evil in general and often kill people? If so why do they do it/what do they gain from killing their people? Or is it something specifically about Logan? Why do they want Clementine subdued? And I also wondered why/how you have to be chosen to live in the planet core. Of course you don't have to reveal everything, but a little more detail would help your query be stronger.
ReplyDeleteI find the premise very interesting, but I think the way you introduced Logan was a little abrupt. It left me wondering what was his real importance to the story and whether he perhaps was a rebel. If he was, then I kept thinking that maybe Clementine knew about it, since they're best friends.
ReplyDeleteAnd, if that really was the case, I definitely wanted to know more about what was the political situation behind all this. That said, I think you can be mysterious about these aspects, but just showing a bit more of what Logan's real importance is would strengthen your query.
Best of luck! I'm looking forward to reading it in the future!
A.J. nailed my thoughts and questions. The "why" was a big one. Unless Logan is an outspoken critic of their leadership, there can't be much reason to want him specifically murdered.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting premise though. :) Hope to read it soon!
Yes, why? That really jumped out at me! Otherwise, sounds great!
ReplyDeleteI really love the first two paragraphs of this. It definitely makes me interested and want to know more. I agree with the others about Logan. Also, I'd really like to understand why the leaders are keeping people subdued, and the "lies that keep her safe" is something I find really intriguing. I think the comparison/contrast between the above ground world with the evil moon and the below ground world locked up tight is very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI really love the first two paragraphs of this. It definitely makes me interested and want to know more. I agree with the others about Logan. Also, I'd really like to understand why the leaders are keeping people subdued, and the "lies that keep her safe" is something I find really intriguing. I think the comparison/contrast between the above ground world with the evil moon and the below ground world locked up tight is very interesting.
ReplyDeleteGreat query and great twist about murdering Logan. Since I've read part of this (and I know some things have changed since then), I'm curious to know why they want to murder him. It sounds very specific and intentional, which is wonderfully intriguing, but a tiny hint of *why* would really make that shine.
ReplyDeleteI'm also *slightly* concerned about the comp titles. Totally understand why you choose them and agree that they relate, but they're Big Books and that might come off to some agents as saying "I'm the next ____" which generally does not go over well.
Otherwise, I think you do an excellent job of hooking! :)
I like this a lot and it would definitely be a book that I'd pick up off of the shelves (dystopian! space! YA! Whee!!!!) I think a lot of other commenters hit the nail on the head with the Logan comment, so my comment is going to be more nitpicky than anything else:
ReplyDelete"In the planet core, which after centuries has been transformed into a steel-made place of inhabitance more like a space ship, Clementine lives, for the first time, without fear." Those are a lot of commas in one sentence. Can this be broken up into more than one sentence?
Otherwise, love. Especially the next to last paragraph. Good Luck!
Agree with C. Issy, it'd be a book I'd definitely pick up off of the shelves.
ReplyDeleteAgree w/comments about Logan, but think this is a pretty darn tight query. Love it as well :)