Seventeen year old Sara Lobos
spends every summer on her grandparents’ farm in the middle of nowhere
Portugal. It’s the perfect chance to recharge, work on a few college
applications, and drink tons of espresso while checking out cute guys at the
local cafes. But this year, weird visions of people and places from other times
keep popping up everywhere, making her question her sanity. In one of those
moments, she meets the handsome but way too old-fashioned Sebastian, the
strange boy in the woods who is so much more than he seems… four centuries
more. His only request—to free him from the prison beyond time for which she is
the only key. Because of him, she becomes wrapped up in a world of lost kings
and a limbo where time stands still. But when she discovers her best friend is
a part of an ancient society whose purpose is to stop her, she begins to
question her destiny.
Now Sara has to decide who to
trust—the boy who knows her better than anyone else on earth or the king who
needs her to save him and, if he's telling the truth, the world.
THE DESIRED is a 72,000 word young
adult contemporary fantasy novel with series potential. I feel that readers of who are
craving more stories set in international settings, such as Die For Me
or Demonglass, would enjoy this manuscript.
Wow! What a cool premise!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely the kind of book I'd love to read!
I have just a couple of suggestions...
1) This isn't crucial, but I wonder if you can shorten the those first couple sentences (or combine them), just so you can get to the meat of the story more quickly. Maybe something like: "In the middle of nowhere Portugal on her grandparent's farm, seventeen-year-old Sara Lobos plans to work on college applications and check out guys at the local cafes."
2) I love the line about Sebastian (especially the "four centuries more" part), but I didn't figure out that he was a king until the end, so I got a little confused. What about tweaking this sentence so it says, "Because of him, she becomes wrapped up in a world of other lost kings and a limbo where time stands still."
3) I wonder if it would make sense to take out Sebastian's name since it doesn't seem necessary (it doesn't come up again), and instead use the name of her best friend when he's introduced, so it's clear he's a boy. Then, you could use it in that last sentence, so it's clear who is who.
4) Okay, one last little thing (these are all little!), I'm not sure the phrase "questions her destiny" works for me. I think it would work if it was closer to the "question her sanity" line, but as it is, it feels about bit too vague and doesn't have the punch it could have.
All tiny things! In general, this seems really tight and you've clearly got an awesome story behind it.
Good luck!
Ann
I like that we get the place right in the first line—the international setting plus fantasy elements seems like a great combination!
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to squeeze in an example or two about the people and places Sara sees before meeting Sebastian? Just like you have the detail about the espresso and the cafes, showing us something of her visions could carry through that kind of specificity. I know that may not be possible given the length of query letters, but just a thought.
Very small thing: maybe consider breaking up the first paragraph (potential places: Before “In one of those moments” or before “His only request”).
I too was a little mixed up on the whole Sebastian/king/best friend thing. It shouldn’t be too hard to clear up, and Ann gave a couple of good suggestions on this.
Buena suerte!
I agree with much of what Ann said, but I'm not as into this. It's not my normal genre.
ReplyDeleteHowever, what I'm seeing is there's some things here that don't add up. First, you say that Sara goes to middle-of-nowhere Portugal, then she's in the cafe's all the time? I don't know what "middle-of-nowhere" in Portugal is, but I do know what it is in the Midwest of the US, and if you're in the middle of nowhere, there's very few cafe's.
And, speaking of cafe's, by that second sentence, it seems that's where Sara spends all her time... so how'd she get to the woods and meet Sebastian then?
Overall, I thought this was a bit wordy, so I'd try to tighten and hone as much as you can.
I love this premise, and would for sure read this book. Now. . . your query was going fine in my opinion, until you said "but when she discovers her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose purpose is to stop her, she begins to question her destiny." I didn't know if you were talking about Sebastian. And that also gave me the impression that more people know about her ability, I just didn't know whether you were referring to people from her visions or neighbors, etc. Maybe you should make sure you make that clear.
ReplyDeleteIn general, though, I love the idea. I'm Brazilian, and have family in Portugal, and just the thought that my culture would be portrayed in your story makes me happy. I'm also a big fan of surreal elements, of questioning what's real, what's imaginary. This definitely would be a book I'd want to read. Good luck, and don't give up!
I personally feel you need a hook line right off the top. One line that sums up the book to pull the query reader in further.
ReplyDeleteGood job. Sounds great! : )
I like the premise here, but found the query confusing. I'll point out what I mean.
ReplyDeleteSeventeen year old Sara Lobos spends every summer on her grandparents’ farm in the middle of nowhere Portugal.
--I think this would read better if you state this a bit differently because it's not every summer she's working college apps, right? It's just this summer, so you'll need to make it clearer that a) she visits every summer, but *this summer* she's doing the following things.
It’s the perfect chance to recharge, work on a few college applications, and drink tons of espresso while checking out cute guys at the local cafes.
--On the one hand, you want the query to be blurb *like* but this isn't telling the agent anything about the plot, while it does tell about her character. I think if you restructure your first sentence to be more concise about *this* summer rather than all summers, you can cut this.
But this year, weird visions of people and places from other times keep popping up everywhere, making her question her sanity.
--Think about adding adjectives and heightening the oddness of these experiences. This sentence is a bit flat, but it's a perfect opportunity to show the agent some of your imagery and turns of phrase, you should take advantage of this. Capture their imagination by showing yours!
In one of those moments she meets the handsome ((but way too -- DEL)) old-fashioned Sebastian, the strange boy in the woods who is so much more than he seems… four centuries more.
--This sentence is very confusing to read, you're trying to fit too much information in here. (and, personally I'm not a big fan of foreshadowing, but that's just me.) I'd suggest tightening this.
His only request—((to DEL)) free him from the prison beyond time for which she is the only key.
--Now this is interesting, however, you're hiding a 'key' point here - this boy tells her she is a key. Think about how to emphasize this, and add in her reactions perhaps?
Because of him,
-- I'm jumping in because this is a little 'bald'. Think about saying *how* this happens. He takes her to.. he shows her... he... make it *active*.
she becomes wrapped up in a world of lost kings and a limbo where time stands still.
-- this sentence is confusing. I'm not sure you're using limbo correctly here, it's not conveying the imagery you want, I think.
But when she discovers her best friend is a part of an ancient society whose purpose is to stop her, she begins to question her destiny.
--Wow, okay, on the one hand this is cool info, on the other you might be better served to put this at the end. It's also not clear what about this revelation makes her question her destiny, there seems to be a very big jump.
Now Sara has to decide who to trust—the boy who knows her better than anyone else on earth
-- this seems like a short time for him to have this level of depth of understand of who she is, you might want to think of a different phrase.
or the king who needs her to save him and, if he's telling the truth, the world.
--Nice wrap up.
THE DESIRED
--question: is there anyway to show in the *above* why this title is appropriate?
is a 72,000 word young adult contemporary fantasy novel with series potential. I feel that readers of who are craving more stories set in international settings, such as Die For Me or Demonglass, would enjoy this manuscript.
--I hope someone else has advice on how to handle comparisons, I'm not good with that!
Buried in here, it sounds like you have a good and unique story. Unfortunately the confusing sentences and lack of a feeling for your writing would probably put agents off (since they'd read this and think this type of writing is what to expect in your manuscript). Your query should be as clean as your writing. Once you have that, I think you'll have better luck!
It's a great premise, but it brings to mind several other time travel romances. It may seem overdone. I'd suggest bringing out a few more juicy details that will show what makes your book unique and highlight the conflict more.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that is a HUGE block of text - white space is your friend and can be used to highlight key points in the pitch. Use it well :)