Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Query Crit #8

Dear Awesome Agent,

When Ryan Gaunt's seemingly perfect older brother kills himself, Ryan has to piece together why— and prevent a moment that could spark another teen's suicide.

To Ryan, Tyler was perfect. After all, he had a full ride to Princeton, girls throwing themselves all over him, and an overall shiny, happy life. So when Ryan comes home to find his brother hanging from a noose, he's as shocked as he is grief-stricken.

Ryan discovers Tyler's journal and is surprised to find the entries addressed to him. Conservative, church-going Ryan pieces together that Tyler was in love with his best friend— his male best friend— and the already broken pieces of his world crumble.

Meanwhile, flamboyant outcast Bryant Wilson is invited to an exclusive in-crowd party. Ryan is nonplussed— when he drop-kicked Bryant out of the closet years ago, Bryant fell from the top of the social ladder to the bottom rung. When Ryan discovers the ulterior motives for Bryant's invitation and the plans to humiliate the boy in front of the entire school, he has to make a decision. He can risk his social status for a kid he despises or live with the guilt of not standing up for the tortured boy who Tyler asked him to protect.

BROTHERS, a 55k word contemporary YA, will appeal to fans of THIRTEEN REASONS WHY and THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST.

7 comments:

  1. I think this is a great query. The only thing I'd suggest is to try adding a bit more voice, but the plot is clear and interesting. Good luck with this!

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  2. I agree. The plot of your story is explained well in this query.

    I think I'd put: To Ryan, his big brother, Tyler was perfect. It helps remind the reader which character is which.

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  3. This is a clear query. Great going!

    Nitpicky stuff...

    Your first para is a great hook, but I'd probably take the names out, then use the 2nd para at the right instances to intro the characters. For instance:

    "When a young man's seemingly perfect older brother kills himself, he has to piece together why—-and prevent a moment that could spark another teen's suicide.

    To Ryan Gaunt, his older brother, Tyler, was perfect. After all, Tyler had a full ride to Princeton, girls throwing themselves all over him, and an overall shiny, happy life."

    I'd also probably ditch "shiny"... It could be taken two ways, one a takeoff of "Firefly", or possibly a hint at Tyler's homosexuality. (I'm in the Firefly camp here, but since it's not a term I hear regularly in normal conversation from non-Firefly-fan folks, I'd probably avoid it.)

    I'm curious how Bryant figures in to all of this. Yes, I realize I should read the book. :p But, his arrival in the query seemed a bit abrupt.

    Great job!

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  4. "and prevent a moment that could spark another teen's suicide."
    I thought everything was set up well, but I puzzled over this line.
    How would he prevent a moment like that? I wasn't sure I got that, but everything else...terrific. Might just be me too. I'm presently sleep deprived, but I still thought I'd mention it.

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  5. I like the idea of this story, I think it would be very interesting to read. I don't know if it's my pregger brain malfunctioning, but I did have a difficult time keeping the names straight. That's just a personal flaw of my own though. Maybe it's because they are very similar and all have Ys in them. I know that doesn't help the actual structure of your query much, but it was something that stood out to me.

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  6. Definitely an intriguing story, but I think this needs a bit more tweaking.

    The first two paragraphs say essentially the same thing and it feels repetitive. Cutting the first would work better, IMO. The "moment" line is a bit confusing.

    Also, there's a disconnect between first few paragraphs and the final paragraph. Is Bryant Tyler's best friend and the tortured boy mentioned at the end? If so, why did Ryan out him? That doesn't seem to make sense. If not, then I'm very confused. I think you have all the right pieces, you're just lacking the connective tissue that brings it together. Show us those connections in the query and you'll be good.

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  7. This is a great, very clear query-- I agree with Stephanie and Rachel's comments.

    A punch in the voice maybe can come from one of the "Whens." They come so close to each other that they don't have as much impact as when taken alone (at least to my 11pm on a Sunday night brain)

    "When Ryan Gaunt's seemingly perfect older brother kills himself...

    ... So when Ryan comes home to find his brother hanging from a noose, he's as shocked as he is grief-stricken."

    Otherwise, this is well written and really grabs my attention. Good luck!

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