Genre: YA
Science Fiction
Word Count:
75,000
Query:
When having
two powers makes you a Super and having none makes you a Normal, having only
one makes you a sad half-superpowered freak.
It makes you
a One.
Sixteen-year-old
Merrin Grey would love to be able to fly, or even slowly drift through the air
– too bad all she can do is hover.
If she
could just land an internship at the Biotech Hub, she might finally figure out
how to fix herself. She busts her butt in AP Chem and salivates over the Hub’s
research on the manifestation of superpowers, all in hopes of boosting her
chances.
Then she meets Elias VanDyne, another One, and all her carefully
crafted plans fly out the window. Literally. When the two of them touch, their
Ones combine to make them fly, and when they’re not soaring over the Nebraska
cornfields, they’re busy falling for each other. It also doesn’t hurt that
Elias is as good at kissing as he is at helping her fly.
Best yet,
her mad chemistry skills land her a spot on the Hub’s internship short list.
But
when the Hub kidnaps Elias, Merrin must decide if standing up to them is worth
losing her chance to become more than a One. Because The Hub's sick experiments
don't heal Ones as she thought – they kill them. And if she breaks into the Hub
to rescue Elias, she’ll also destroy her chances that the Hub will ever find a
way for her to fly solo – her only chance of being more than a One.
First 250:
Some
mornings before sunrise, I sneak to the back of the shed and I practice. This
is just another morning in a long string of failed efforts. I push myself off
the ground, telling my body to go weightless, and hover. An inch, two, six, a
foot. I stay there for seconds, then minutes.
I can’t generate enough tension
between my body and the air to take a step - can’t even make myself drift. I’d
give anything just to be able to float along like a freaking ghost.
I’m a One
– a half-superpowered freak. It’s the same sad story for all of us. Every
superpower is made up of at least two distinct abilities. A kid can only fly if
she can make her body light and then somehow propel herself forward.
Two
powers. Not One.
Every One puts up with getting teased at Superhero
High, waiting for their second ability to show up. While they do, that One
power starts to fade. There are still shimmers of it, but after a while the kid
quits trying and the One fizzles into nothingness. Then their disappointed
Super parents ship them off to Nelson “Normal” High, like mine did.
Here's my
secret - I never quit trying.
This morning, standing in our weedy backyard
surrounded by a chorus of crickets, I go weightless. It happens so fast that I
feel like I’m being pushed upward. My heart jumps.
Maybe…
Love the new query! I'm a big fan of superheroes and evil corporations. Go ONE!
ReplyDeleteOoo, I love this. Even better than before!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of Sky High and that is such a good thing. That's one of my fav Disney movies ever!! Plus your writing is beautiful and I'm already hooked and emotionally invested in this character. Already!! *excited crazy happy dance*
ReplyDeleteI love the new first line on the query!!! Clearly you and Cupid combined your genius powers and came up with a winner. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteMERRIN! <3 I seriously can't put into words how much I love this story. It's fantastic, so hopeful, and Merrin is one of my favorite MCs ever. *gets out pompoms* GO ONE GO!!
ReplyDelete(And YES to the Sky High comparison <3)
LOVE this!! Superheroes - check. GREAT writing - check. Excellent job ;o) AND YAY Sci Fi <3
ReplyDeleteYou're fantastic, and so is this whole story! I'm so proud of you, and so glad you're on my team!
ReplyDeleteLove your 'voice'
ReplyDeleteWow this new query is practically perfect, I honestly can't see how it could be awesomer :D GREAT JOB
ReplyDeleteI do love this--it is just Super! Great job.
ReplyDeleteI love how snappy this is.
ReplyDeleteAnd, gosh, falling in love while flying over cornfields? Pardon me while I melt into a puddle of goo.
AWESOMENESS! Love what you've done with this - the query is excellent and the last couple lines of the 250 make me want to turn the page! Go TeamCupidsLC!! :D
ReplyDeleteQuery reads GREAT! Great job on your revisions, it reads so snappy and hooks me in right away. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLOVE this! It's fantastic and such a fun idea!! :D
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
ReplyDeleteSuch an awesome entry!!! And I adore the second line of your query <3 It gives such a great sense of the story and conveys so much of her voice!
ReplyDeleteYou're going to do great, I know it <3
Hugs,
Rach
Love this story so much, and proud to be on your team!
ReplyDeleteThis looks so awesome - that query is wicked tight and compelling!
ReplyDeleteNice work! I want to read this EVEN MORE now!
ReplyDeleteI've love this since I first saw it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAnd One can be the loneliest number that you'll ever do, lol. Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteLove the way you've taken superpowers and given them a new twist. The first 250 really drew me in. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat query and I found the first page extremely engaging. I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteYour previous query had an Incredibles-ish vibe, but this version stands on its own. So fun.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This is such a clever idea. The query letter really hooks me and makes me want to read the entire book!
ReplyDeleteYou had me with the first line of your query! What a great premise. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteA fantastic original twist on the superhero story! I love the concept, the writing and the voice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh One...have always loved this entry. Great changes. Can't wait to see you rack up requests when the agents step in!
ReplyDeleteI swore I commented on this already, but you already know how much I LOVE this! The query is fantastic and the opening page changes make it SO hooky! You are a rock-star! Good luck!!
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ReplyDeleteI love the changes! Made an already fantastic query and first page even better. This is such a beautiful story. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteThis is SUCH an amazing story! Nice job on tightening the query - Best of luck!!!
ReplyDeleteWith your network of support and as many eyes as you have on this, you can't go wrong. Just stay true to your vision and good things will come! Go ONE!
ReplyDeleteI vote for you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love this voice. I think it is so strong, and I hope this novel goes far. Good luck!!!!!!
ReplyDelete#5 ONE
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Overall, I think that this query is really strong. I really like the first line—it gives us the setup we need to understand the main conflict, and you get some nice voice in there with “sad half-superpowered freak.”
There were a few times when I wanted to see Merrin’s name used again instead of just “she”—like in the sentence about kissing (“helping Merrin fly”). I’m also not sure why the sentence about her mad chemistry skills gets its own paragraph, since it doesn’t seem like the most important plot point. I think that you could combine it with the final paragraph—something like “When Merrin’s mad chemistry skills finally land her a spot…list, it seems like everything is falling into place. But then the Hub kidnaps Elias, and she must decide…” Just a suggestion.
First page:
For me, there’s a bit too much backstory/telling going on here. Rather than hearing that practicing before sunrise is her normal routine, I’d much rather start in the scene of a particular day, see Merrin trying to go weightless, wonder a bit about what she’s up to, and THEN, on page two or three, start to get some explanation.
I like the specificity of “standing in our weedy backyard surrounded by a chorus of crickets” (I also liked knowing from the query that the setting is rural Nebraska—beautiful) and would love to see this page start with that bit.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to critique! You are a ROCK STAR and your input is so appreciated!
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