Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team CupidsLC #3 - FROSTY

Title: FROSTY
Genre: YA Contemporary 
Word Count: 55,000 

Query:

Sometimes you have to freeze everyone out to avoid getting burned.

Sydney’s had seven foster families in seven years. Almost everybody in her life has let her down, including her crack-addicted mother. She knows immediately that she won’t fit into the extravagant lifestyle of her newest family, the Claytons, or their uptight, materialistic daughter, Brooke.

Sydney resents the snobby kids at her school, especially Brooke’s boyfriend, Corbin. Who, in the words of her foster father, is from a good family (wealthy), is athletic (a star), and has a future (will make money). But she can’t help being attracted to Corbin, even while she hates him. When she finds Brooke getting hot and heavy with another girl, Sydney learns the truth—Corbin can barely read or write and is posing as Brooke’s boyfriend in exchange for help in school.

Corbin likes Sydney, but Brooke refuses to let him go because she’s terrified that everyone will discover she’s gay. But even if Brooke breaks up with Corbin, Sydney doubts their relationship will ever work. Because why would the popular rich kid want to be with the daughter of a crack whore? And really… if her own mom gave up on Sydney, how can anyone else ever truly love her?

First 250:

My ears tingled from the biting wind and swirling snow, but I stayed outside to smoke. The caseworker thought I was nuts, but I liked the cold. It numbed me… relaxed me. Besides, I couldn’t smoke inside—those were the rules.

After finishing a second cigarette, my nerves were calm. Jim pulled up to the curb in a dark Mercedes. Whoa. None of my previous foster families were wealthy. I met him and Lana a week ago, but not their daughter Brooke. Lana had peppered me with questions as if she’d wanted to learn my whole life story that night, but Jim was mostly silent, checking his phone every few minutes. So far I got no bad vibes off them, but that might change once I moved into their house.

As he approached me, Jim opened his mouth. “Good evening, Sydney.” He laid his hand on my shoulder, guiding me inside.

Um, not really, Jim. Kind of crappy outside. Didn’t you notice the blizzard?

Inside, the caseworker stuck out his hand. “Jim, nice to see you again. Nasty night out there, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. The roads are treacherous. Not much traffic.” Jim stepped toward the front counter where the paperwork lay.

I turned to the front window and stared at the snow blowing down the road. Only the glow from the streetlights was visible in the roaring storm. Everyone else went home long ago and the rest of the building lay silent.

22 comments:

  1. It feels so real, especially the last paragraph of the query. I can just imagine the inner battle that goes on behind the walls she puts up.

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  2. I'm a sucker for any literature with LGBT twists. Swirling that in with a heterosexual relatinoship, an icy foster kid and a super cute boy who has an embarassing secret and I am in gaga land. I can't wait till the day that I can read more of this. *cheers*

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  3. Your query is great, but what I really love is the excerpt. Sidney feel so real to me. I'm rooting for her already!

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  4. Ann is spot on--Sidney is SUCH a real person in so few words. Can't wait to watch her evolve... and maybe even thaw ;)

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  5. Agreed - Sydney really does just leap off the page. And you did such a great job on that query!

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  6. Wow how mysterious and and so real. I love the twists and can't wait to find out how this family will work out for Sydney. Great job!

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  7. From the first time I read this, I completely FELT for Syndney, so I guess I'm ditto-ing everyone else who've said how real she is. This is so great!

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  8. Your query reads so smoothly! I remember this from other contests and (still) love, love, LOVE this line: Sometimes you have to freeze everyone out to avoid getting burned.

    Good luck!! :)

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  9. Great job - I have to second everything everyone else has said. Great opening query line, and great job of making your MC jump off the page in a few short paragraphs. Fingers crossed for you!

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  10. I love how real she feels -- and how completely twisted and wonderful this whole plotline sounds.

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  11. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this. It's one of my favorites. The conflict is so ripe in this. I want to read this!!

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  12. erica stole my three LOVEs for emphasis. I do really, really, really love this idea. I'm not big on contemporary, but I would pick this up in a heartbeat - and it looks like one I would insist my teen club read and discuss!

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  13. Love the changes you made on the query - it looks fantastic!

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  14. Great query, great opening page, beautifully written. This looks great!

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  15. Some great changes to your query. Such a realistic situation.

    Good luck!

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  16. Love the first line in your query. Love your opening paragraph! Strong entry! Good luck to you!

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  17. Brrrr....LOVE the imagery and the attitude in your first 250. Somehow, I think the MS will end on a warmer note, though.

    You've worked your butt off this last week! So so so proud to be on your team!!!

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  18. Not enough out there that realistically conveys what it like for kids in the system. Building on that base is a great dynamic for this contemporary coming of age. Good luck!

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  19. I vote for you!

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  20. #3 FROSTY

    Query:

    Intriguing! I started reading this query thinking it was going to be a really quiet kind of “foster kid learns to believe in herself” story, but I really like the extra drama you add with Brooke’s sexuality and Corbin’s illiteracy. By the end, you had me interested in the fates of all three characters, and I think that’s hard to pull off in a query.
    The only thing I don’t like here is the tagline at the beginning. It sounds sort of hokey to me, and also doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the content of the rest of the query. It sounds like Sydney does get quite involved in everyone’s lives, rather than freezing them out. So you might consider dropping that—although then the title doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, either.

    First page:

    I really like this page. We quickly learn a lot about Sydney’s attitude from her actions, and I think you do a great job of weaving the info we need about her foster care situation into the scene. In the last sentence, I’d add a comma between “long ago” and “and the rest of the building…” but that’s really all I’ve got on this one. I’d definitely turn the page to find out what’s going to happen next in this scene.

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