Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #82

Title: Feudlings
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 88,000


Nothing can make a new school suck worse than discovering the guy you’re in love with is your prophesied nemesis.

Ari is the most powerful flame-throwing sorceress ever, and her people’s last hope in an ancient war. But emotionally, she’s a huge wreck, hating who she is and what she is supposed to do. She’s searching for that one death that will mean anything in the face of a thousand fruitless killings. In her free, not-hunting-nemesis times, she jumps from school to school, trying figure out regular people her own age and pretending she’ll get the chance to graduate.

Shane lives a double life. He goes to school and masters the art of popularity, hiding the fact that he has a destiny with only a slim chance of his survival. He’s destined to end a 300 year-old war by killing or being killed. He knows he’s hunted by a powerful enemy who’s not afraid to die. Only problem? He has no idea who that enemy is.

When Ari shows up at Shane’s school, angry and sullen and determined to keep him at arm’s reach, neither of them realize they are supposed to be killing each other, not falling in love. Until Ari does realize it.

And Shane tries to kill her.

First 250:

Arianna Delacour thunked her black duffle bag at the foot of her bed, wondering if she should even bother unpacking. This was her 16th boarding school. Sixteen in nine years, but it would have been more if she hadn’t been home schooled until third grade. That was when the Family started sending her out to hunt.

She shoved the thought away, jumping to a safer one. Wrong life. She had to focus on this life now. She was about to start her senior year, and she really wanted to graduate. So, determined that this be her last boarding school, she started unpacking.

“Who are you?” a high pitched voice demanded behind her.

Ari didn’t turn to investigate. “Arianna Delacour. Who are you?”

“This is my room,” the voice said. Ari thought it over, decided there was nothing to respond to, and continued unpacking. “I said, this is my room.” The voice grated on Ari’s ears and made her teeth ache. Sighing, Ari stood up, shoving her long black braid over her shoulder and turned. A much shorter, somewhat round blond girl stood in the doorway with her hand on her hip, green eyes glowering back at her.

“Apparently, it’s also my room. If that’s going to be a problem, you should probably take it up with the headmistress,” Ari’s dark brown eyes clashed with the girl’s green gaze. The girl’s lips tightened as she gave Ari a slow once over. Ari folded her arms and glared back.


  1. This is a strong query. The only thing that trips me up is the use of nemesis. I guess that's a certain kind of breed or character? Maybe replace it with something else in the first sentence? Otherwise I love the voice in this query. Very YA.

    Great 250!

  2. Love this. Query and the first 250. Great work!

  3. Having read this, I already know I like the book! But this is the first time I've seen the query for it. Great job in summarizing the conflict and the stakes. My only nitpick - maybe don't use 'destined' and 'destiny' in the paragraph about Shane.

    Best of luck! I hope you make it to the next round!