Title: PURGATORY
Genre:
NA/Thriller
Word
Count: 87,000
Query:
Forget
Christianity. As a matter of fact, forget every religion that humans
believe in. There is only one God per universe, and ours can't keep up
with the ever-increasing population rate, while still attempting to manage the
evil that plagues our world. He has created a system that can, or so he
thought.
In 2006, an
armed robbery critically injured Clayton and took the life of his six-year-old
brother, Joey. He then struggles to find meaning in life while dealing
with the loss of his brother and absence of a father, whom he lost earlier to
cancer. He is a self-proclaimed agnostic but desperately seeks closure
regarding his little brother’s ill-timed death.
Meanwhile,
Joey’s soul begins the intricate process of reincarnation that is well hidden
from today’s society. Our God has created a multi-layered system that can
automatically recycle souls, erase their previous life, and assign a new host
and destination for their next life on Earth.
Clayton,
only eighteen years old, succumbs to the early stages of depression. He
turns to drugs and alcohol for immediate escape but constantly longs for the
bond his family once had. Only after discovering signs from a hidden
afterlife, he realizes the family he yearns for can be recreated with his
girlfriend, Brittney.
God’s system
is supposedly impeccable, but an erratic malfunction occurs in Purgatory (where
the system is located). Joey’s soul is accidentally sent into the body of
Clayton’s newborn son. This mistake will affect the entire world and only
Clayton has the power to stop it, even if he doesn’t know it yet.
First
250:
“Joey!
Get your fucking ass over here right now!” Mother screamed at Joey,
my ADD six year old brother. “Don’t make me tell you again.”
It was Black
Friday at Greenwood Park Mall and to say it was a bit over-crowded was an
understatement. It was like an emo infested mosh pit, except there was no
shitty music, just the sounds of fiends scavenging the mall for any type of
sale or discount. Mother, who’s never afraid to speak her mind, seemed
scared she was going to lose Joey again, just like she did two years ago at the
State Fair. Memories of that chaotic scene probably replayed in her head
as she waited for Joey to return to her clammy, terrifying grip.
“Joey-- I am
going to count to three. If you are not next to me, I am going to spank
your ass so hard–you won’t be able to sit on Santa’s lap until next year!” she
yelled toward his direction.
As usual,
Mother’s filthy mouth seemed to shock shoppers. I could only imagine, as
they most likely stared off in disgust. But my mother’s cold eyes could
over-power anyone’s judging attitude, like an un-even battle in tug-of-war.
By now, Joey hopefully knew she wasn’t playing. This was exactly
what happened to him when she finally found him at the fair. He got his
ass welted, right in front of everyone. But, Joey simply couldn’t help it.
The countless amounts of Christmas lights and holiday decor outside of
the store had caught his attention a little bit better than the lotions our mom
sampled at Bath and Body Works.
This premise sounds very different from anything I've read so far. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteYou could add a little more excitement into the 250. Can they see Joey? Or is he already out of sight? Up the stakes - make me want to keep reading!!
Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much for your input Erin. I will definitely consider your feedback.
DeleteNice. Personally I'd rather lose the first para - I always struggle when an opening begins with dialogue, and it's kind of jarring. Maybe let us get a sense of place and character first?
ReplyDeleteSo you are thinking it would be better if I started out with.
Delete"It was Black Friday and to say .... blah blah blah" ??
Another thing I thought of - did you consider maybe young adult? The mother's quite a character! I just get a bit more of a YA vibe :) Your concept sounds really cool too - love the idea of something 'going wrong' with purgatory.
ReplyDeleteI have considered young adult. And originally that's what I wrote this for. But alot of messed up shit happens in this book, and it's not quite right for teens. That's why I upped the ante on it.
DeleteVery original premise!
ReplyDeleteEven before reading your first 250 words, your query made me want to read more.
Thank YOU!!!!!!!!
DeleteFirst - IMHO you've got a great premise. Your writing flows really well and I like it because it reads easy and I don't stumble through it. I did notice though that the first sentence in the second paragraph of the query is past tense -- something that is admittedly difficult to do when you're trying to explain an event occurring in the past. But the entire query really should be present tense.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments to scrap the first paragraph or maybe just move it down - I think your second paragraph is much more interesting. Again, you've got an original premise and can write very well -- good job!
this is something i struggle with. This book takes place in 2006 so these are all past events. Not wanting to give the storyline away, let's just say this is like a prequel.
DeleteHmmm...I'm going to be the voice of dissent. sorry. I know it's easier when everyone agrees, but I actually really liked the first sentence. The idea of a mom screaming that at her kid while in the middle of a mall instantly made me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteA lot of the ideas in the query were really fascinating. The only thing that threw me was the second paragraph. The switch from God the the MC's past was a little jarring. Is there anyway to cut that down to something like: After illness and accident take both father and his six year old brother, eighteen year old Clayton claims himself to be an agnostic. Even so, he continues desperately seeking closure--especially for his younger brother's ill timed death.
That's off the top of my head of course, but it keeps it in the present, which seems to be less confusing. Anyway, just an idea. Again, I think the premise is super cool. I usually prefer YA to NA, but this feels like something I'd like to read.
Good luck with this! My entry is 29 if you want to check it out. Thanks and I hope your entry gets chosen. :)
Hey Tamara,
DeleteThank you for your comments. About the query, I just wanted to give a quick set up of the complete story, before dipping into the MC, but I guess that was probably a bad idea now. I will probably reformat that now.
I will check out your entry. Thanks once again.
You have a very clear voice in the writing, nice work. I think the issue Tamara pointed out with the query--the abrupt shift from paragraph 1 to 2--might be that the first paragraph doesn't really tell us about the story. The statements kind of hang there and sound like a mini-lecture of sorts; it might be the thoughts of your MC and setting that up, but it feels like more appropriate reflection for the actual story and not the query. I would suggest starting with the second paragraph of your query which is when you start pitching the story. Just my opinion. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI never thought about it that way, but thanks to you and the other fellow readers, I do believe that I need to reedit that part of the query.
DeleteVery interesting premise! I agree with the other comments suggesting you cut the first paragraph of the query, however. By starting off with exposition, you shift the focus of the story from your character to your worldbuilding -- but worldbuilding should be shown on the pages, not told in the query. You might want to consider starting off with the second paragraph, detailing Clayton's loss, his downward spiral, his agnosticism.
ReplyDeleteMy other concern about the query is that, while you're very specific about the processes (how souls are reincarnated, how the mistake with Joey's soul happened, etc.) the actual problem is unclear. Why is it bad? Why will it affect the whole world? What conflict will Clayton face and what decision will he have to make? Again, those worldbuilding elements are great, but in a query, you're looking to make the character's goal, motivation, and conflict readily apparent and very compelling.
Because there's such a contrast between the mom's dialogue and our expectations for how moms should talk to six-year-olds, I think you're okay to start with dialogue -- it sets up a conflict and characterization right away. Really, it's whatever you're most comfortable with. I would also recommend watching your tenses. It's tricky when you're writing in present tense and referring to past events, so you might want to consider making it all past tense, or having someone super-eagle-eyed (and with some distance from the story) read specifically for tense errors.
Good luck - and thanks for sharing this with us!
thank you for your feedback.
Deletebasically why it's bad is because once Joey returns, he actually begins to remember his past life, exposing the entire system. Causing an uproar in today's society. The end of the world as we know it.