Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team CupidsLC #10 - HERE COMES THE SUN


Title: HERE COMES THE SUN
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 66,000

Query:

Being seventeen is entirely too complicated. School sucks. Parents suck. Enemies suck even worse.

Love sucks.

But it also means that you can sign up for a once in a lifetime senior class trip to England during spring break, happily leaving behind your single mother who still dabs at your dirty cheek with a spit covered thumb. Unfortunately, in Natalie Webber's case, she brings everything else that sucks along with her.

Natalie has one main plan for England, aside from win the heart of the queen so that she can marry Prince Harry - make life suck less. And by that, she wants to co-exist with the very group of girls that christened her with her god awful nickname of Tooty Fruity during Sophomore year. She's done being that girl that walks with her head down to avoid stares and conversations. She wants a new start. She wants to get out and explore, maybe overdraw on her bank card for a few articles of clothing from Harrods so that she doesn't look so much like a tourist. She wants to throw away her shy act and for once just open up to the world.

What Natalie doesn't expect is to meet Brant, a Beatles fanatic who has far too much charm and even more demons in his own closet. But it's Brant who forces her to step out of the shadows of herself, and realize that as long as “you” don't suck, your life, your school, your friends, and yes, even a new love, could possibly be the greatest gifts of all.

First Page:

I should have known from the amount of Diet Coke I drank that my bladder would hold up the white flag of surrender as soon as I stepped on board the plane. And even though I'd look completely asinine to the other fifty or so kids jetting with me to England for our senior class trip, I'd happily relieve myself in exchange for their jeers. I can just imagine the whispers that would follow me down the aisle of shame. “Oh look, there goes Tooty Fruity. She has to pee already. Didn't she know about the bathrooms in the airport?” And I did. I used them. But my bladder is the size of a walnut, unable to bear the strain of sixty-four ounces of sweetened, zero calorie pop consumed in approximately fifteen minutes.

What was I thinking? Stupid, stupid Natalie.

So here I am, flying so damn high in the sky that Chicago looks like Lego City, crossing my legs so tight that they are literally tingling from the pressure. I stare obsessively at the giant red X above the bathroom door, willing it to turn green. Unfortunately, I lack any form of telepathic powers.

Fighting back my tears, I shoot my head into the aisle every three seconds to check on the status of the bathroom. I don't see my classmates. Don't notice if they're staring and leering or ignoring me as usual. I just see the small aisle connecting two bathrooms, and giant X's above them both.

20 comments:

  1. So cute! I <3 your Query!! And who doesn't want a Beatles loving cute boy?? :-D

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  2. I love hot British guys (and I'm married to one) so I'm definitely rooting for your entry!

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  3. Who doesn't want to root for the shy girl determined to come out of her shell? Especially when she has a walnut-sized bladder like the rest of us!

    Go Natalie!

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  4. I just love the whole peeing on the plane thing. I've learned when not to drink too much pop. Fortunately for your story, Tooty Fruity has not learned that lesson. :)

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  5. Wait, how did you go back in time to write a story about me?! ;) this is awesome, good luck!

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  6. So great, I'm hooked by the Beatles fanatic! :D

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  7. Great writing and a cool premise - Good LUCK! :D

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  8. Oh man! Just reading this makes me want to pee! Good writing!

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  9. I'm DYING to know why she got that nickname. :) I think Natalie has an awesome voice, and this premise just sounds fabulous.

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  10. I almost sprung a leak just reading this, lol. Good job and good luck!

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  11. Love the voice in this! And you use the Beatles? Fabulous! Good luck!

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  12. I LOVE the voice. I was totally hooked. Great concept, great writing ;o)

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  13. I'll echo several earlier comments and say that I loved the voice of this. It's just so very...TEEN!!!

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  14. Great voice in your query. And oh, I hurt for Natalie and her walnut-sized bladder. :)

    Good luck!

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  15. What a funny situation for the first page--something really unexpected! Good luck!

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  16. Your query is awesome! I love contemporary YA and this sounds like it would be a fabulous read. Good luck!

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  17. Great entry! I have so many students that would love to read this...I would love to read this! Good luck to you!

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  18. Aw....*hugs Natalie* I have a feeling she's gonna be alright in the end.
    ;)

    Your query, especially, rocks my socks. In awe of how hard you've ALREADY worked. SO proud to be on your team! This is amazing stuff....

    GO HCTS GO!!!!!!

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  19. This reminds me a bit of BEATLE MEETS DESTINY, an Aussie YA about a Beatle fanatic boy. Love the voice so far!

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  20. #10 HERE COMES THE SUN

    Query:

    As a Beatles fan, I like the title and the premise of a senior trip to England, which I would have killed to go on when I was in high school. But I have to say, the stakes just don’t feel very high in this query. The word suck is repeated a lot (too many times, really), but I still have no idea what’s so bad about Natalie’s home life (single parents who treat their teens like babies are pretty typical), why the popular crowd hates her, or what her nickname means. This makes it hard for me to understand what Natalie wants to escape from or empathize with her.

    Also, the first four paragraphs are setup, and the last one is the only one where I get any idea of what actually happens in the book. I’d suggest thinking hard about what’s really at stake for Natalie in this story and refocusing the query on that.

    First page:

    I like the voice here, and I like the situation, being possessed of a walnut-sized bladder myself. =) I also think you work in the details about where she’s leaving and who’s with her skillfully. And I’m curious about why her classmates seem to despise her so much (as I was reading the query, but here in a much more “I’d like to turn the page and find out” kind of way). I also love the line about lacking telepathic powers.

    A couple of nitpicks: “sweetened” and “zero-calorie” don’t really go together, unless you mean artificially sweetened. Maybe “sickly-sweet” or “supersweet” would work there instead to show that you mean the taste rather than the sugar content? Also, “I don’t see my classmates” confused me a little bit, since there are so many of them on the plane. If she’s purposely not looking at them, though, maybe “I don’t look for my classmates” would work better.

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