Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team CupidsLC #9 - MONSTROUS

Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 82,000


Most people remember their first crush, first kiss, and first day of
school. Kymera remembers none of that.

But she will never forget her first breath.

When Father recreates her from the parts of her broken body, the wings
of a raven, the tail of serpent, and a cat’s razor-sharp vision, he
gives her life without memories or pain.

But not without a mission.

Kymera knows who murdered her. A wizard in the city of Bryre who is
sacrificing the girls of the countryside one by one. He is monstrous
and now Father has created a monster to stop him.

Kymera sneaks into Bryre each night, rescuing the captive girls and
doing her best to avoid the city’s human inhabitants. Then one night
she meets Ren, the king’s page boy, and her resolve weakens. Her
nightly missions take on a dual purpose—save the other girls and steal
a few moments with the boy who has yet to see her without her cloak.

As she lingers each night, Kymera begins to overhear things: a snide
remark about Father, rumors of a hideous beast, and whisperings of a
black market dealing solely in live, human goods. Ever since that
first breath, she’s known exactly who she is, but now she’s forced to
ask who is the real monster here—the wizard, her father, or worse,

First Page:


I will never forget my first breath. Gasping. Heaving. Delicious.

When I opened my eyes, the colors of the world swarmed me, filling up
all space with hues and objects for which I had no name.

Three seconds later, I passed out from sensory overload, or at least
that is what Father says. He fixed me up and when I woke the second
time, the world became a more comprehensible place. The object
hovering over me was a face, the circles within it were eyes, and the
warm, wet drips leaking from them were tears.

The crease across the bottom that widened under my gaze was a smile.

“You’re alive,” Father said.

Even now, hours later, he mutters it still.


I lean back against the willow and hold out my arms, studying them
under the waning sunlight. The thin red lines marking the sections of
my body have faded to nearly nothing. All that remains are the many
shades of my flesh and the tiny metal bolts fastening tail to spine,
joint to wing, and neck to shoulder.

Father, his silver hair flapping in the summer breeze, lays out logs
and strange metal pipes in the field. They will be used for my
training. He has not told me what I am training for, only that he will
when I am ready. He waves when he notices me watching.

I am sure I will be ready soon. Father is astonished at my progress.
Yesterday, I mastered walking within one hour, running in two, and now
I can even jump to the lowest branch of the willow with ease.


  1. This is so twisted and lovely I can hardly stand it. You are rocking my world right now. Rocking it hard like a shrimpt boat in a white squall!

  2. I would read anything and everything you write. And yes, that's an invitation :)

  3. I second Gina. *stares at inbox* *waits for MONSTROUS to appear*
    (where's the #cplove?) :D

  4. Great query, great opening sentence... love this one!

  5. This is a fascinating premise. I love your query. Great work!

  6. Your excerpt reminds me of poetry -- each word in the perfect place.

    Simply sublime!

  7. Your writing is terrific. Can't wait to read the rest of it someday.

  8. This seriously rocks! So excited! :D

  9. God, I love this. I loved it when I had the chance to read an early draft, and I love it even more now. *Pulls out pom-poms* Good luck!

  10. YAY! Wishing you the very best luck. :)

  11. Pretty sure you don't need any luck with this great entry, but I'll wish it to you anyway! Good luck, teammate!

  12. I believe I have previously gushed about how awesome this is. *insert additional gushing here* Pretty sure you're going to be the belle of the ball on Monday!

  13. Wow, I love the feel of your opening! Good luck!

  14. LOVE it. Excellent writing and what a cool idea. Such a great opening ;o)

  15. Fabulous concept. Fabulous opening page. I am totally hooked.

  16. An amazing concept. Drawn in by the voice in your opening.

    Good luck!

  17. A wonderfully unique concept! And your voice is beautiful. I'd definitely love to read this book! Good luck!

  18. Absolutely fabulous! Such a strong entry! Good luck! Cant wait to see how many requests you rack up!

  19. *continues staring at inbox 48 hours after first inbox comment*

    (Just kidding. I'll wait patiently. :))

    Seriously stunning work, MK. Can't wait to see this bring ALL THE SUCCESS! So proud to be on your team in so many ways. <3

  20. I vote for you!

  21. I'm voting for you! Very interesting and different. I look forward to your pages.

  22. #9 MONSTROUS


    Wow, wow, wow. This is an awesome query. The details you include are totally tantalizing, and the flow from beat to beat is perfect. Plus, the story sounds really appealing. I think that with the recent success of DAUGHTER OF SMOKE & BONE, you could really have agents salivating over this one.

    Nits: I’d put a comma between “monstrous” and “and now Father has created…” And I’m not sure that “But she will never…” AND “But not without…” both need to be set off. The first one, definitely, but the second one you could probably just tack on to the end of the previous paragraph.

    First page:

    I think that this page lives up to every promise in your query. The voice is lyrical, the images are cinematic, and the situation is mysterious without being incomprehensible. I can’t even find a misplaced comma to complain about. =) If I were an agent, I would request the full manuscript RIGHT NOW.