Monday, January 21, 2013

Bouncer Post #56

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 74K


Sixteen year old Momoko Yoshimi hasn’t made it to school on time since she twelve, but it’s not her fault. As much as she’d love to make it through an entire period of math, someone has to save her Pacific island home, Thonic, from mutant crabs and a variety of insane bad guys. And it just so happens she’s the girl —or rather the hero— for the job.

Momo has been Shadow Warrior, Thonic’s greatest hero, for four years now, and she thought she’d seen the worst the world could throw at her. But after the evil scientist Henry Isaac Morton and his robotic creation, HIM, set their sights on Thonic, Momo and her team of superheros are pushed to their limits and put to what could be their final test. Momo’s world is thrown into even more chaos when it’s revealed that the powerful crystals HIM are after are locked behind a door which can only be opened by the blood of Shadow Warrior.

Now pinned as the target for all of HIM’s attacks, Momo’s new priority is just to stay alive, but that proves to be a more difficult task. Between devastating betrayals in her inner circle of heroes, and discovering that Thonic’s newest hero Selkcunk is the hot Aussie, Liam, she’s been crushing on in her Current Events class, Momo begins to question whether or not she’s cut out for this heroic life.

First 250:

Part One: Enter The Shadow
Chapter One
Yamoto High
Thursday, March 5th, 10:31 AM

It’s either the chalky smell that hangs around me or the tapping sounds the pencils make as they scratch out algebraic equations, but there’s something about math class I simply love.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I have the highest grade in this class. Or perhaps the fact that my two-year crush, Raimundo, sits two chairs over from me. It could also be that my best friend, Jessica, shares this class with me. Although I think it’s because th-


I drop my pencil and curl my nails into my palm. I bite my bottom lip and neverously glance around the classroom. No one heard that right?

“Was that someone’s phone going off?” Mr. McBride asks, looking at us over his shoulder. I swallow and my fingernails continue to vibrate. I have to get out of here.

Mr. McBride’s question goes unanswered. Jessica’s watery blue eyes are locked on the board, her nose crinkled slightly as she tries to understand how to use “u” to find “x”.

I cough, trying to burn a hole through the side of her blonde curls with my eyes, praying that she’ll turn to see me. The magnetic strips inside my color-changing nail polish are shifting from pale pink to a darker, more vibrant pink.

No, no, no! Don’t get darker! I silently plead. Once they turn black it’s too late. If Shadow Warrior is not out there, at least, heading to the crime, then all hope is lost.

And without me, there is no Shadow Warrior.


  1. I had to comment on this one because I absolutely love it. You've done such a good job of working the voice from your first 250 into the query. I don't think you need most of the last paragraph of your query. If you cut it off at "Momo's new priority is just to stay alive" - that ends it at a really effective point. It tends to water your query down if you try to throw in too many subplots.

    Love the first 250! I can't find anything to pick on there. Stellar voice. :) Is Raimundo a different crush from Liam? Or is that a name typo?

    Good luck!

    1. Thank you so much! Your comment really made me smile! I was so nervous...

      And yes! Raimundo is a different guy from Liam. Liam doesn't come into the story till a little but later on!

      Thanks again so much for you comment!

  2. I completely agree with gailecn! I love the voice and of course, I am a sucker for a good supervillain/superhero story (though sadly, I think you are right and a crossover with ours would be tough to pull off :) But the idea made me smile!) Personally, I also agree with cutting the query as gailecn suggested, but I do also really like that she's beginning to question whether or not she's cut out for the heroic life and think that if you can keep that in there somehow, that really shows up the internal stakes she's going to be facing at the end. LOVE your first 250 words. :) -- Amy (#62)

  3. Love the first 250!! Great voice. Awesome writing. Good luck with this:)

  4. I obviously can't advise you on query stuff - I have a feeling, if I'm still into writing years from now, you're the one who's going to advise ME in this arena.

    But I'm superdy excited to read that first 250! I love how you basically dive straight into it - whether it's the Big Problem or Just Another Day in the life of a superhero, it's compelling. Can't wait to read it in le future ^_^

  5. Gotta love a good super hero novel. I was dabbling with a MS of my own with a super hero MC but now it' sitting pretty in my vault lol.

    I love the first part of your query, as it does a great job of pulling me in to the characters story. I think the second half of your query can be tightened a bit. You can even bring part of your later paragraphs into your first, in order to develop more of a hook. Maybe bring in the fact that her blood is needed for the scientists plot. I'm just throwing out ideas :)No need to follow lol.

    With that said, I'm still pulled in.

    I like the 250 so far, and I'm enjoying your MC's voice. You get a lot of her personality just in the opening so good job there. I'd def want to read more, and would love to see some action packed fights.

    Makes me want to dig around and revisit my old MS!

    Good job and good luck!

    -Copernicus (Post #43)

  6. You have a really solid query—I love the opening line, and the Pacific island setting sounds like it could give this superhero story a really cool, original twist.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like the first page quite lived up to the promise of the query. The buzz interrupting the MC’s interior monologue felt kind of awkward, as did the way the Shadow Warrior concept is introduced at the end of the page. But mostly, the setting to me just felt like a typical American high school classroom. I kept waiting for some detail to show me that they are on an island in the Pacific—a view of the ocean out the classroom window, chalk sweating off the board because of the humidity…anything, really, to hint at how this story is going to be different from the others that are already out there. If the cool setting is a big part of your hook, then I think it needs to be more present right away.

    Best of luck!