Monday, January 21, 2013

Bouncer Post #65

Genre: YA Fantasy Romance
Word Count: 80,000


Fiery, red-headed shifter Wren has no doubt of her purpose in life.  She has trained for battle since childhood, expected to protect and uphold the older sister who will one day be queen of their alchemist clan.  But her determination is rocked when a boy from the enemy clan sneaks into the shifter stronghold, and Wren begins to question everything she’s ever known.

Destined to fight, but bound in an unexpected way to the young man who will become the leader of the energy-wielding fallen angels, Wren finds herself torn.  Cast out by her family for what can only be seen as base disloyalty, she takes shelter in the arms of the enemy.  Despite the stereotypes and racism surrounding them, their cursed love grows. Wren and Ville discover the war that has raged between their clans for years is built on lies.  The young lovers will give up everything to put an end to the war.Armed with alchemy, attitude, and a six-shooter, Wren sets out on a path of love, loss, and redemption that will change their world forever.
Fallen is a romantic fantasy, set in a steampunk world of alchemy and magic.  It has crossover potential, with appeal to mature young adult an dadult audiences, and is complete at 80,000 words.

First 250:

I cast a casual glance over my shoulder and drifted toward my freedom. My heart sped up as I set my drink on the buffet table in passing. I had almost reached my destination, a large tapestry hanging on the near wall, when someone touched my shoulder. A warm aura touched my own, strong, but not unpleasant. I halted and tried not to look guilty as I turned to see who had just ruined my escape. I found myself looking at a broad chest, covered in a white shirt and a grey silk vest. My gaze darted upward to meet the pale, crystal blue eyes of my captor. 

I’d noticed the beautiful blond boy during the meeting- all of the girls had. Not only was he stunning, he was new. Every once in a while, one of our clan would come from the outlying lands to visit the capital. Attending meeting hall at the Big House was a big deal, kind of a rite of passage. I wasn’t in the mood for tourists today. I raised an eyebrow and tapped a booted toe, letting him see my impatience. If I didn’t get out of here soon, I would be trapped for the rest of the meeting. The refreshment break at the middle was my only opportunity to disappear.

Meeting hall, a social gathering and lecture that was part political vetting and part religious rite, was technically mandatory for my sister and I, thanks to our social standing. I glanced across the room to see Winona surrounded by people, most of them male. Her height made her tower over most of the other girls, and her bright, golden blond hair shone like a beacon. I pressed my lips together. No one would even notice I was missing.


  1. The story sounds interesting.

    In the query, I like the first two lines, but would suggest getting a little more specific after that. What about the boy makes her question everything, even going so far as disloyalty? Also, the last sentence has a typo (an dadult).

    In the first 250, in the first line, I suggest you cut "my" before "freedom". It might be good to replace one of the times you used "touch" in the first paragraph with another word. In the line about the meeting being mandatory, I think it should read "my sister and me" since you'd never say "mandatory for I".

    From what I've seen, I'd keep reading. Good luck!

  2. My first clanging question (which may have not let me read the rest objectively) is what does she shift? Given the popularity of Janice Hardy's SHIFTER, I think you need to very clearly specify how this is different.

    I think your writing is quite good, although the first lines of the prologue (which often isn't recommended) led me to imagine her floating away, setting down her glass as she hovered. Pulled me out until I decided that probably wasn't what you meant.

    Otherwise, I was curious about this boy and if the mc of the prologue (don't know if she's Wren, one of the problems with prologues) can get out of this situation. I'd keep reading.

  3. I love the plot! It kinda reminded me of Through The Ever Night by Veronica Rossi in the fact that your MC has to go leave with the enemy. Awesome. I feel like the prolonge could be rewritten to sound less floaty and dreamy and more, I don't know... sharp, maybe? If the MC is a hunter/protector, than I feel like that should be reflected in the writing. I pictured a princess before I pictured a huntress.

    Good luck!!

  4. Thanks for the great feedback guys! Best of luck to everyone!!

  5. Howdy!

    I do like your concept - hard to resist an alchemy / steampunk / magic combo.

    Looking at your query, I feel like you can start stronger. You need to have a line that hooks the reader in, but right now it's a little vague. Perhaps you can start off the query by speaking of how she's sworn to protect her sister from an enemy clan, but how can she protect her from an enemy she's fallen for? Something like that (but better of course lol.) This brings your character + conflict together all in one sentence. Then you can build on with some meaty story goodness lol.

    As for your first 250 I love how descriptive you are and how you bring me into your MC's mind. As said above, it can be a bit tighter but I do like what you are conveying but some can be moved or even removed to make it move faster. Then again, I'm horrible with writing effective prologues so take what I say with a grain of salt.

    Keep at it though - the story sounds intriguing and I would want to read more.

    Good job and good luck!

    -Copernicus (post #43)

  6. So I want to give everyone feedback, even when I don't write those magical words. First, I love the name Wren. In fact, I have a MG project I'm working right now with a MC named Wren. Good choice. Not that I'm biased or anything. :) I think your query is solid. It communicates well and has the right voice. I like the strength of your MC - that definitely shows in your first 250. My main hangup was that something felt a little too modern about the setting - "buffet table" and "tourist" seemed to clash with my expectation for "alchemist clan" maybe consider how to make those more consistent? I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best with your writing!