Monday, January 28, 2013

Bouncer Post #88

Genre: Young Adult Romance with Magical Elements
Word Count: 80,000


In a twisted take on Beauty and the Beast, a sixteen-year-old with a horrible secret discovers the gorgeous boy who broke her heart has been magically trapped inside a daisy—and only she can hear him. She must expose the truth to save him and their blossoming second-chance romance before his last petal drops, or risk him turning into compost.

Deflowered is told from Brooklyn’s quirky point of view and reveals how a girl’s struggle to protect her Mom, her friends and the boy she loves isn’t easy— especially when one of them needs regular watering.


“Seriously guys, team sports are legalized torture,” I said.

My mood clung to cantankerous despite enjoying much-needed post-gym treats from the caf’s vending machines. Every part of me ached. Sherry and Dana, my two best friends at Oakridge High, staggered along the empty hallway with me.

“Speaking of torture,” Sherry said as she twisted her long red ponytail around her hand, “when are you ever going to let us in on what really happened between you and Reid?”

Dana gasped. The chocolate bar in my stomach wanted back out. I forced a deep breath.

“I told you, things just didn’t work out.” Sherry knew I wasn’t ready to discuss it, even after 29 days, 17 hours and about three minutes, but she still kept at it.

“You two were together for six months. There’s got to be more to it than that,” Sherry replied.

“I don’t think Brooklyn wants to talk about it.” Dana brushed her black fringe out of her eyes.

“You’re right. I don’t.” I tugged at my creeping gym shorts, caught a whiff of my armpit and almost gagged. “I just want to know why the entire class has to aim the volleyball at our heads.”

“I’m sure they don’t mean to,” Dana said.

Sherry snorted so loudly it bounced off the lockers.

“Laugh all you want,” Dana continued, “I think being picked last has an excellent benefit. There’s less pressure to do well.”

“But we stand there being stared at the longest,” I said.


  1. I thought I posted a comment earlier. Got lost in space, probably. Anyhow, here goes.
    Your 250 is what hooked me right in. The voice is great. I can see those characters as if in a movie. The MC is likable. The humor is great. But I'm lost with the query. It reads more like a pitch, one I really like. But as a query, I don't get a feel of the stakes. The words 'horrible secret', 'expose the truth' - are sort of vague. Being more specific without cluttering would help draw us in. With the voice in that 250, I'd love to read this book. Bets of luck.


  2. Thanks so much, Suja!

    You're absolutely right about my lack of query. Ack! It's like I left the house without looking in the mirror. ;)

    Good luck with your entry!

  3. Bonnie, I agree with Suja (you are very smart, Suja): I was intrigued by the idea of retelling Beauty and the Beast, but the query doesn't say enough. Mom and friends are mentioned in the second paragraph but not the first. I think you've got something here, though.

  4. I really like the idea of the Beast as the flower. What a great twist! I agree with Suja and Resolution though, the query does need a bit more information to entice me to read more. I enjoyed the first 250. I can relate to a girl who equates organized sports with torture. My only nit picks is I felt like 'my two best friends at Oakridge High' interrupted that sentence with a clunky infodump and also, I'm sure you've heard this before, opening with dialogue isn't usually the best way to go. Good luck!

  5. Thanks for your suggestions, Resolution and Angie! I'll have to tighten my thinking cap and try, try again...