Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #35

Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000


As your agency states an interest in Young Adult fiction, I thought you might be interested in seeing my contemporary fantasy for older YA readers, SHADOW’S RETURN.

As a dragon, normalcy never applied to seventeen-year-old Serka. Her main concerns primarily used to be struggling with her feelings for her best friend Callan and whether or not her claws were sharp enough for battle. Now though, with the war between the mythological races at a boiling point and the Circle of Ten still missing, her biggest concern is surviving the chaos her world has descended into.

Branded untrustworthy and hated for her fascination with humans, Serka is driven to find answers and takes up detective work. It’s difficult enough when veiling the truth seems to be the pride’s main priority, but when Kyro engineers betrayal and retribution in his game of cat and mouse, she is confronted with the choice of remaining with the pride—once her family, they have become nothing but enemies. 

Serka discovers the truth about the Circle of Ten, and that her connection with the ancient guardians lands her a spot on the endangered species list. Except now it is not only her life at stake. In his pursuit for the Circle’s power, Kyro has ensured that the war is ratcheted to the top notch and that certain death is a step behind everyone Serka holds dear.

Including Callan. 

The novel is complete and runs 90,000 words. As per submission guidelines, I have included the (agent requirements) below. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

First 250: 

This could go two ways: live or die.

Right now, I’d take death.

The pain came first. Pain. Such an inane word, created by ignorant, naïve fools who knew nothing of true agony. I slumped against the wall, swallowing a scream. My skin prickled, a million stabbing needles, the sensation crystallizing into an acute burn. This isn’t happening. Denying the truth—that’s the way. Despite the beauty and avoidance of voluntary delusion, this was happening.


So soon. Now. I needed to Change, to feel like a dragon again.

But this was just another thing out of my control.

My mental barriers shattered, and I was no longer alone in my thoughts. I sensed the training room’s occupants, their attention focused on the master sparring against today’s first victim.

Serka? You all right?

Don’t bother me, Rekki. I struggled for coherency.  Just—please. Don’t.

I didn’t want concern or help, not from anyone, not from the girl who somehow still considered herself the only friend of the hated submissive. Me.

Fireworks exploded in my head in a full sensory onslaught. Everything went mercifully black, but I didn’t pass out. No such luck. My sight returned, but in the other, unfortunate, why-did-it-have-to-happen-now way, shifting and warping with the sensation of falling.

As the colors floated around me, rainbow currents, pain slammed me again. I couldn’t tell if I’d really lost consciousness this time or not. I hovered between real and unreal, surrounded by endless nothing. Except her.


She wanted out.


  1. I think your query is a little long and a little confusing. What is the Circle of Ten and why is it important? Who is Kyro? It seems like you have a great, complex plot, but I don't think it's made clear enough. Maybe you're trying to get too much info into that query?

    Conversely, I love your first 250. They're concise and well-written and intriguing, and I would definitely read on.

    Good luck!

  2. I'm also a little confused by your query. Maybe instead of using Circle of Ten just refer to them as the ancient guardians, so you don't introduce too many new concepts without grounding in your query. I think it does seem some clarifying and make sure you don't go too far into the plot.

    I enjoyed the first 250 and am intrigued, and would read on to find out what happens next.

    Good luck with it. :)


  3. I love that Dragons have prides (like lions) and your references to endangered species list etc.

    I did feel like the first 250 thrust me into the action maybe a little too quickly? I feel like I didn't get a clear sense of what was happening or of the MC's personality until she started the thought-dialogue with her one-time-friend (loved that). Maybe some of her non-pain related thoughts could be described earlier? Just a thought though!

    Carissa -- #24

  4. Hey, everyone. Thanks for commenting! I'll definitely check out my query and fix things up.