Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #40


This entry has been removed! Thanks!

24 comments:

  1. Love hot pirates! Great set up. The children with naked feet joke is great, even if Moira doesn't get it. Definitely hooked on your concept. Good luck!

    --Amy (#34)

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  2. I loved this entry in Round 1, and you've done a great job tightening up the query! Hope you get into the next round!

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    1. Aw, thanks Shannon! You are so sweet! I can't wait to see how you do in the agent round! I'll totally be rooting for you!

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  3. Love the idea of teenage pirates! The query was tight and the first 250 really gave me a feel for Violet. I especially liked, "too far from the stars". Great job! Good luck!

    #31

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  4. This is a fantastic query and the first 250 really pulled me in. The voice is great and I'm left with a solid understanding of the character and the setting. I'd definitely read more...well done!

    Good luck from #20!

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  5. Wow I love your query. You had me hooked with space and pirates :)

    I really like your first 250. I'm not quite sure where you are going with it yet but there's some good world building in there. It definitely sounds like Violet is an adventurer.

    One minor nitpick, I tripped a tiny bit over your second sentence and I think it you cut "Sometimes if I looked hard enough" from the beginning of it and started with "From my boarding house window" it reads a little smoother.

    Good luck with your entry :)
    Jamie # 36

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    1. Thanks Jamie! And congrats on getting the next round!

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  6. You had me at space pirates.

    Great query! Great first 250!

    Carissa -- #24

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  7. The world you've created here is very intriguing. I especially like your protagonist's voice; even in the first 250 words, I get a clear sense of her personality. You're very good at dribbling little bits of necessary information into your text without sending out a THIS IS WHERE WE STOP FOR EXPOSITION vibe.

    A couple of minor quibbles: the missing comma after "short" in the excerpt jarred me out of the text. As well, your query reads as a bit conventional, story-wise. Your excerpt convinces me that this novel will be anything but conventional, and I'd like to see a bit more of that in the query. I would definitely be interested in reading on.

    Good luck in the round...
    Kari
    #28

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    1. Thanks Kari for all your sweet comments--and thanks for pointing out that missing comma too!
      I know I already said it once, but I really liked your entry as well!

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  8. I like this premise, and I enjoyed the voice in this excerpt. Nicely done!

    Larissa (#18)

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  9. Wow, this sounds fun! I enjoyed both your query and first 250. :) Your voice in the 250 is very engaging, Violet is an MC I'd certainly like to follow along on an adventure. It seems like this story would have lots of rich landscapes and characters, I wish you the best of luck! - Rina #1

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  10. This is really great. I love the first 250. Good luck! ~lara (#3)

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  11. Thanks for your feedback, Stephanie! This really is a great query and 250. I think it's just a matter of time before you get all sorts of people asking to read this (I see you went through, so hope you get some arrows!). Neat concept, great voice in your 250. My only suggestion is that I agree a little with Kari, that i think a few phrases could be tweaked to add more "voice" to your query. It is so nice, reads well and clear and we get all the important ideas but it needs just a dash more of spice or pizzaz...I was thinking, for example, that you could say she "hasn't laid eyes on him in a year" instead of "seen him in a year" or something like that to add just a bit more voice.... Great job and good luck in the next round!

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    1. Thanks Tracy! You are so sweet! And I appreciate your thoughts on the query, I do agree agree, it could use a little more spice. Guess I still have some work to do. ;)

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  12. Congrats! I just knew you had to get in with this!! Go space pirates!

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    1. Thank you Carissa! And congrats to you too--I'm really glad you made it in! It will be fun to see what happens!

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  13. I loved this entry too in Round 1 and I'm super glad now I know who wrote it! Congrats :D

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