Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #38


Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Word Count: 93,178


Eighteen year old Tom Colado is a terrorist.

At least, that’s what the officers of London Heathrow Airport believe. Unbeknownst to them, Tom is being followed. High above the Atlantic, less than an hour ago, Tom stared into the cold eyes of his stalker and felt a strange sensation flow through his blood. With hairs standing on end, a single electrical discharge burst from his panicked hands, surged through the plane…and nearly brought it down.

Now, mysteriously released from custody, Tom searches for an explanation to his supernatural experience. What should have been a relaxing post-high school vacation is now a fight for survival. Tom and his two best friends discover they are being hunted by an ancient order of protectors and a demonic army, rising from the depths of Hell. Both sides need his power if either has any hope of survival, but Tom refuses to play their game.

Against his wishes, Tom has been chosen to prevent humanity's final war against The Fallen. Time is running out and, as the history of his lineage unravels before him, Tom battles to regain control of his life. With the planet on the verge of chaos, Tom must confront the only person who can stop him from saving the world…himself.

First 250:


Two hundred and sixteen passengers and the only clear thought their panicked minds could comprehend was death. 

The plane shook relentlessly as it plunged through the sky, hurtling towards the calm blue waters below. A sense of weightlessness gripped at the hearts of everyone on-board and, in fleeting moments, was almost euphoric. The unbound motions of their flailing arms and swaying torsos became a dance to welcome their own demise. Nothing could be heard over the shrill cries that formed a chorus of horror throughout the cabin. It wasn’t beautiful or majestic; it was one unified, incomprehensible noise. People hung lifelessly over themselves, unable to fight the force of the falling plane, but, amidst the commotion, three people sat tall, challenging their fate.  

Jay and Kim turned to each other to say goodbye. Their hands slowly reached for the armrest between them, hoping to find a mutual comfort in their final moments. The fear of death’s lonely approach took control as the building tension of their intertwined fingers quietly caused a faint shade of purple to swell over their knuckles. They said nothing; they didn’t need to.  Slowly, their arms wrapped around one another and pushed away the reality that surrounded them.

Across the aisle, Tom sat among strangers, clutching his armrest with every bit of strength he could muster. His grasp slid from the moisture that glazed his palms. Digging his shaking fingers deeper and deeper into the edge of the armrest, he felt a pinch.


  1. Great job putting the reader right into the action! Love that it sounds like realistic fiction to begin with, putting us in Tom's world that he thinks is based in realism. Really like the concept. I'm a huge fan of urban fantasy. Good luck!

    --Amy (#34)

  2. Love urban fantasy and I like the premise. Know who Tom is from the query but not sure who Jay and Kim are and why they are in the second paragraph. Do they have anything to do with Tom? I think if you make that a little clearer than the rest of the 250 wold be really good.


  3. I think you did a good job. Good way to start the first 250. I just didn't understand the people hung lifelessly over themselves. I agree about Jay and Kim, they came out of nowhere and were suddenly important. I do like the concept and I think there is quite a bit you are able to do with it. I love a good combination of urban fantasy and magical realism.


  4. Thanks guys. I feel like the query doesn't need to address Jay and Kim by name, but it does reference them in that they are the two best friends mentioned in the second paragraph. I'd rather like to keep them out of it and keep the focus on Tom, since he is the most important character in the book.

    The neat thing that I don't get to show here is that this whole scene in the first 250 goes on for about another 200 words and then Tarantino's back to 10 hours before their flight and you learn how they got there, which is why Tom is only the last bit of what you see here, because he's the transition into that.

    The last line of this part before it transitions into the pseudo flashback is: "Tom couldn't explain it, and maybe he would never be able to, but in his heart, he knew. This plane was going to crash…and he had killed them all." And then it flashes to 10 hours before that moment.

  5. I really enjoyed the query. I wonder if you might be starting in the wrong place. Could you start with the confrontation with the stalker (which I'm guessing already happened, since the plane is going down)? Or start with him in airport custody, like your query does?

    I can see what you're doing (particularly with your further explanation in the comment above), but I think what's missing is a connection with Tom (for the reader), and that's why Jay and Kim being mentioned before him is jarring.

    This is a great premise! Good luck!

    Larissa (#18)

  6. I agree with Amy above, you do a great job starting us in the thick of the action. You have some very nice descriptions. My only thought is something I was told once about high-intensity scenes benefiting from short, succinct sentences. By cutting some adjectives here and there, your descriptors will have more punch where you do leave them in. I LOVE your line about the "unbound motions" and you could possibly set it off more-

    "The plane shook as it plunged through the sky, hurtling towards the waters below. Weightlessness gripped the hearts of everyone on board. In fleeting moments, it was almost euphoric. The unbound motions of their flailing arms and swaying torsos became a dance to welcome their own demise."

    I really love that last line-- very haunting and vivid. Best of luck to you! - Rina