Monday, January 14, 2013

Bouncer Post #27

Genre: Paranormal
Word Count: 70,000


Parenting a child with autism is not easy, but Stevie Lewis never falters in her devotion to her young son, Charlie. When his life is threatened, Stevie finds herself at the heart of a three hundred year old secret and learns that she is a genetic witch capable of reducing the laws of physics to mere suggestions. With the help of a clandestine coven led by her own mother and a few eccentric octogenarians, Stevie masters her newly acquired power.
Vanessa Moore is a dark witch with a lethal history. She returns to her hometown of Beaufort, North Carolina to retrieve a magic amulet believed to be part of the newly recovered treasure found near the wreckage of Blackbeard’s sunken flagship.

No one is safe with Vanessa in town and Stevie soon discovers exactly how far she will go to protect her vulnerable son.

First 250:

The woman in black raced to LAX as soon as the call came in. She hadn’t returned to her oceanfront house to pack a suitcase, and with no baggage to check, she quickly purchased a one-way ticket to Raleigh-Durham International Airport and proceeded farther into the bustling concourse.

“Have the car waiting for me when I arrive,” she barked into her phone. She paused, listening to the response from the other end of the call. Then she snapped, “I don’t care how you get it, just do it!” She abruptly ended the conversation and shoved the phone back into her leather handbag.

At the security gate, she placed her suede Manolo pumps and her bag into the plastic tray and waited for her turn to pass through the metal detector. Though she was certainly the most dangerous passenger the security agents would ever encounter, this exercise was a waste of time. The weapons she possessed would not be revealed through this security check.

Her black dress fit like a second skin and left nothing to the imagination. She had already caught the attention of both the male and female agents at the gate, each secretly hoping to have the opportunity for a more thorough examination. With great disappointment, they watched as the woman passed through the metal detector without incident.

The woman in black found her gate and waited for first class to begin boarding. Struggling to hide her contempt for her fellow passengers, she warily eyed a young mother with an infant and a toddler in tow. Children were nasty little creatures, always sticky, drippy, or crying. Why anyone would willingly assume the care of one, much less two, was unimaginable to her. She looked away, comforted by her certainty that the pesky monsters would be flying in coach.


  1. I really liked the beginning of your query. Especially the line about physics being a suggestion. Super smart. But, it says her son's life is threatened, and she finds out she's a witch, but not how her son's life was threatened or if her being a witch fixed the issue. Since it was mentioned in the first sentence, I thought her son's autism would pay a role in the conflict.

    I think you should add a little more to the query so we know the stakes. But it's very well written! :) And the premise is intriguing.

  2. I like your suggestion to add more to the query. I will fix that ASAP. Thanks for the advice and the kind words, Rachel!

  3. I love the voice in your 250! Usually I’d advise you to give us the character’s name and not just call her “the woman in black,” but I kind of liked the air of mystery it gave this passage.

    And then, the query. Does the story have two narrators? How the query is set up now, it sounds like it. And even if both of them are narrators, I don’t exactly see the connection between the two women’s stories here. Is Vanessa the one threatening Charlie’s life? If so, I feel like that needs to be stated, and we need to know how this amulet ties in. And how is Stevie going to stop her? And mentioning Charlie’s autism in the first sentence makes it seem important—is it? Without these connections, the query is kind of a list of interesting facts more than a plot teaser. I do really love the idea of reducing the laws of physics to suggestions, and of a magic amulet found in Blackbeard’s treasure! Good luck!

    1. Wow! Your critique is super helpful. I'm working on a total overhaul of the query now and will definitely use your suggestions. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment!

    2. Glad it was helpful! Best of luck!!