Sunday, February 5, 2012

Bouncer Post #2

Title: DAUGHTER OF THE NETHER
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 71 000

Query:

As a skilled thief, stealing some old necklace should've been a breeze, but Omyn got more than she bargained for when she stole an amulet imbued with an ancient power wanted by angels, dæmons and two fallen brothers.

Seventeen-year-old cyborg, Omyn Winters, makes ends meet by thieving in the wealthier suburbs of Lantis, a fractured, police-run city in the post-WWIII Balkanised States of Asuria. When Omyn is rescued from arrest by a strange young man sporting stellar cybernetics, Omyn is placed in Sam's debt and agrees to steal an ancient amulet. But it's no ordinary trinket, and Sam is no ordinary guy. Forced to accept that it's otherworldy magic lending Sam his impressive powers, Omyn finds herself in the midst of warring supernatural factions, and between Sam and his too-pretty gender-switching brother as both vie for her trust, and the power within the amulet. Just as she thinks she's dealing with the whole mythological situation, Omyn has to accept the fact that she's not even human. When her ex-girlfriend is kidnapped by dæmons, Omyn is forced to take matters into her own hands while trying to deal with her divided nature, fledgling powers and conflicting feelings for Sam, and taking on her dæmon-legion relatives won't be easy.

Daughter of the Nether is a YA urban fantasy novel complete at 71 000 words, and is the first of a possible series. With a dystopian setting and characters from mythology, Daughter of the Nether is about a bisexual girl coming to terms with who she really is and where she belongs in a world where the difference between good and evil is an unfriendly shade of gray.

I am the author of the cyberpunk novel Dragon's Teeth (Divertir Publishing, 2011) and my short fiction has appeared in several publications, most recently Golden Visions Magazine. I also have various non-fiction articles about travel and music 
scattered throughout the Internet.

First 250:

She should've worn her combat boots, not five inch heels. The wedges pitched her forward, shifting her weight onto the balls of her feet already tender from standing all night looking pretty, and dumb. It should've been an easy dash to freedom but the damn shoes were going to get her caught.

Boots thudded behind her on the asphalt.

“Stop, thief!” A man shouted. He was breathing heavily, his pendulous belly straining the buttons of his jacket. The skinny bastard to Chubby's left, however, was quite the sprinter, an android in a latex flesh suit most likely.
“By order of Lantis...” Yup, an android droning on in simulated speech.

They were catching up. She pushed harder, kicking up her endo-ware into over drive. The cybernetics, way past an upgrade, struggled to maintain the pace. Muscles burning, legs pumping like pistons, she sped off the main street down an alley. She stole a glance over her shoulder, hoping the officers would skate straight past. The bag dangling from her shoulder thumped against her back, annoying, and challenging her already precarious balance. That was nothing, however, to the thudding impact as she careered into a person running up the alley. The idiot blurted a surprised, “Ow,” as their foreheads made cracking contact.

She fell, knees kissing tar. Blinking away the automatic tears of pain, she staggered to her feet and continued to hobble down the alley when she skidded across a puddle of ice and landed in a heap beside a dumpster.

9 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're here. I like the voice. You use a lot of small details, and I wonder if they are at odds with the pacing in this initial section. Good luck!

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  2. I love the first paragraph! I think you're off to a great start here.

    Good luck!

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  3. I like the voice of the 250. I wonder a little if the fast action is getting a tiny bit lost in the many details you've put in. But keep going and good luck!
    B.

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    1. Thank you for the comments :) greatly appreciated!

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  4. I agree, the first paragraph is very intriguing, especially that first line. :)

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  5. This is an intriguing entry. Your query needs a lot of work but what is contained within it - as a story - sounds fascinating to me. In fact, within it is the making of a intricate, exciting and engaging story both on an action level and an emotional level. The problem I see is in the presentation. There is a bit too much detail that odscures the plot and the meat of the hook. Since the reader already knows the genre will necessarily incorporate fantastical elements, you only need to focus on the thrust of the plot and problem the MC will face. I think if you do that, you will avoid drowing readers in the detail.

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    1. Ok, excellent advice. Thank you! :)

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