Sunday, February 5, 2012

Bouncer Post #43

GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
WORD COUNT: 83,000


When the gods faded due to humanity’s dwindling need for them, only the Trickster was wily enough to preserve himself by sending his power into the bodies of humans. Two thousand years later, Noire Kitané is a descendant of the Trickster’s survival tactic, and her deity trinket shop fronts her activities enacting Tricks for those with revenge on the mind. Discovery by the Artemis Task Force and confinement in an asylum until her power fades is just a minor concern. After all, her best friend Pearce is on the ATF, knows what Noire is, and protects her. If he was also Noire’s lover, life would be perfect, but there is the pesky obstacle of Pearce’s fiancé.

Noire’s life is soon in an upheaval when victims of her Tricks wind up dead, even though Noire never enacts fatal Tricks. Not only that, someone is murdering Tricksters, and both Noire’s problem and the murderer’s rampage are linked to an item stolen from Noire’s store; Hades’ Coin, which is far from the fake Noire thought it was.

With her power on the fritz and a murderer closing in, suddenly the asylum doesn’t seem like the worst option, especially when Noire uncovers the two thousand year old reason why Hades wants Tricksters dead. The gods may be gone, but that doesn’t mean their battles are over, and Noire is about to find herself in the middle of an unresolved war between her Trickster god and the god of death.

First 250:

Days like this made me regret my decision to open a deity trinket shop instead of a liquor store. I stood behind the counter staring at the squealing children grabbing things off my shelves, along with their teachers, who were barely acting like they had some decorum. Fanatics, all of them. I stepped beyond the counter-top into the main area of the store, feeling like I was moving from the safe zone into a battlefield. I had to get these rugrats in line before they started breaking my shit. Had I momentarily lost my mind when I’d agreed to let a fourth grade class visit my shop?

I was walking over to where three girls were fighting over an expensive, replica Grecian vase when someone tapped on my shoulder and pulled my attention away. I cringed when I heard the vase crash to the ground, but kept a smile on my face as I looked at the teacher who’d tapped me; Ms. Roe.

“That will be three hundred dollars,” I said. “Cash or credit?” Ms. Roe glared at the girls before looking at me all apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “The school will of course pay for the damages.” I nodded, then decided it’d be better to retreat behind the counter and just keep a tally of everything they broke.

“Ms. Kitané,” Ms. Roe called. I suppressed my sigh and turned back around, only now noticing that she had something in her hand. “Could you tell me more about this coin?”


  1. The word count for the query might be too long for some agents. It depends on their preference of course.
    On the opposite end, the word count for the MS could be too short for a world building. But again, that depends on the agent.

    The premise is GREAT though.

    IMHO the first page needs tightened, maybe less backstory (decision to open a deity trinket shop), 'telling',(who were barely acting like they had some decorum), and using 'to be' verbs (I was walking...were fighting).

    But by golly, I would turn the page to see where this story goes.
    Maybe start this page with the sound of the vase hitting the floor and let the info about the teachers and rowdy kids fill in through action.

  2. Nice one! Starting off in a deity shop has a good tone to it. I'm curious to know where the story's headed.

  3. Really cool concept - very unique and interest-piquing