Monday, February 4, 2013

Bouncer Post #111

Genre: Upper MG/Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 53,000


Thirteen year old Bridget Miles is known as the freaky witch girl. After her Boy Perfect, her crush since the first grade, dies she performs the one spell her Great Grandmother warned her against and brings him back to life.

Everything seems good-ish until a covert government agency tries to recruit Bridget for their zombie experiments. Though at first she’s intrigued, she soon realizes there’s a sinister agenda beneath their squeaky-clean exterior—the agency’s plans could bring a stop to mankind. Bridget has to stop them before a zombie army takes over the world.

And save her boy zombie in the process. 

ZOMBIE CRUSH is a humorous book about zombies and a first love. 

First 250:

I am a freak. Not the I-have-to-join-the-circus-I’m-so-freaky kind of freak but still a freak.  I am in love with Ronnie---I wish he was my boyfriend but he doesn’t know I’m alive---who is undead.

I’ve had a crush on Ronnie Michaels since first grade. Tall and lean, with blond sun-kissed hair. Deep blue eyes. Not only is he good looking with a perfect smile and long eyelashes but he’s smart. He died yesterday. Or did.

Now Ronnie is a zombie.

And it’s all my fault.

Yesterday, Ronnie died after eating some bad fish. Food poisoning.Track star extraordinaire. Most popular boy in Grandville Middle School. Everyone was in shock, his mother, the students, the town. He was supposed to do great things. Like cure cancer. Or go to Mars. Or bring about world peace. Instead, he was lying in a coffin with flowers strewn on top of it. Shut in a stone mausoleum for all eternity.

I shiver in the cool October night air as I wait. Halloween is over. Tomorrow will be the first of November. My thirteenth birthday. The only present I want is for Ronnie to be alive again.
I hide in the back of the mausoleum where Ronnie is interred.

Convinced that everyone has finally gone, I venture inside. I run my hands along the wall until I get to his crypt.

“Ronald Michaels—beloved son and friend,” I read aloud. I assemble materials for the spell Great Grandmother Bridget listed in the Book of Shadows. 


  1. Sounds like a fun read!

    In your query, I think repunctuating this sentence would make it easier to read: After her Boy Perfect--her crush since the first grade--dies, she performs... Also, is there a reason you don't use his name? Since it is used right away during the first 250? I would find it easier to follow with the name.

    In your first 250, I was a little confused at where we were in time. In the first 3 paragraphs, Ronnie's already a zombie. Then starting with "I shiver", it's present tense, but it sounds like he isn't a zombie yet. I also don't think you need "Or did." I wonder if you shouldn't begin your story with "I shiver..." and leave out the preceding paragraphs?

    By the way, love the title!

    Good luck!

  2. I love the voice. I really like your query (I wondered about dropping the "a" in front of "first love"? but that's a mini style thing).

  3. I love the voice in this. Sounds like an awesome story. I'd definitely keep reading. Good luck to you! :)


  4. I like the quirky sense of humor in your story. My great grandmother's name was Bridget, so that detail got a chuckle out of me. :)

  5. Thanks for the comments. I see what you mean about "a" first love, Anna and the "I shiver" part, Laura. Thanks again.

  6. This sounds so quirky - and I just love quirk! I'm a big fan of zombies, whether they're love interests or just scary as hell. I love "Now Ronnie is a zombie. And it's all my fault." This had me from the query and really drew me in with the first 250. I would pick this up off a shelf and walk it straight to the register!

    Best of luck!!

  7. This sounds like a fun MG story, and you've done a nice job setting up the characters and the conflict. However, I think you could add some additional details to your query to make it stand out more. Since the pitch is only at 102 words you could add a bit more about the conflict and the characters to make this sound really unique and exciting.

    But even though I like your concept, I can't move you to the next round because your first 250 words are mostly telling instead of showing, and feature a lot of backstory. We're told who she is (a freak), told that her friend is dead, told that she is in the mausoleum, etc. Instead of telling us all this, show this in her actions, in the things she notices, in the way she feels. Show her enter the mausoleum and describe it to us - how does it look? Is there a damp breeze on her skin? Does it smell like death? Then show us why she's there, instead of telling us why - and how does she feel during all this? Try to immerse the reader in your character's head and in the moment. I hope this helps, because I do think you have something here, it just needs to be developed a bit more. Good luck!