Title: REGRET
Genre: Supernatural YA/NA
Word Count: 80,000
Query:
Eighteen-year-old Penelope Green
was your average high school senior. She had a great family, a stellar best
friend and oh yeah…she was also a descendant of an ancient race charged with
the protection of the whole of mankind.
Not that she was aware of her
heritage. A car accident when she was three robbed Penelope of both her
memories and her parents. Adopted by the Emergency Room doctor on call that
night, Penelope never thought to question her missing past. It wasn’t until a
new family moves into their tight-knit Martha’s Vineyard community that
Penelope began to see things aren’t exactly as they appear.
With the help of Kane, a man
whose appeal both excites and frightens her, Penelope learns the history of a
people she never knew existed. The Guardians were the first creation of The
Divine. Seven men and women with unique abilities to heal and protect the
planet they enjoyed a peaceful existence. Until the creation of Man. Jealous of
the attention and privilege The Divine was giving this new race, three of the
Originals turned on both Man and their fellow Guardians. Now Kane and his
family were on the front lines of a war she never knew was taking place.
Learning she is a Guardian with a
special talent for manipulating energy to heal isn’t the hardest pill to
swallow for Penelope. It’s the dreams—both frightening and heart-wrenching—that
nearly bring her to her knees. When her past comes barreling into her present,
Penelope must learn to embrace her power or lose everything that has come to
mean so much to her.
First 250:
“Crap!”
There’s truly nothing like over
sleeping to set the day off on the right foot. Not like I shouldn’t have been
expecting it. Even my alarm clock has come to the conclusion that nothing
eventful will ever happen, so why get up in time to resemble a member of the
human race?
I rolled out of bed and prayed
Sidney had left me some hot water. On second thought, I’d just count myself
luck if she were out of the bathroom. Blurry-eyed I walked down the hall to the
bathroom and knocked.
“Sid, are you almost done in
there?”
The baby sister in question swung
open the door with a bright smile on her fifteen-year-old face. It should be
illegal to be that chipper this early.
“All yours Sleeping Beauty.”
“Thanks.” I grumbled and strode
past her into the bathroom. Some days, I wish I could strangle the energy out
of her.
“And yes, there is some
hot water left.” She called over he shoulder before disappearing into her room
next to mine. If I hadn’t been so tired and off balance by all the sunshine in
her smile I would have caught the emphasis on Sidney’s “some”.
The dissimilarities don’t stop at
her early bird mentality and my obvious lack thereof. Sidney had that destined
for high school greatness quality that would have the school eating out of the
palm of her hand in no time. I’ve always been just under the radar and happy to
be there.
I loved the first paragraph of the query -- very fast and intriguing. I really like the voice throughout.
ReplyDeleteThere are tiny things I'd have done differently (like put a comma after '...protect the planet', and in the first 250, a comma before 'Sleeping Beauty'. In general, the dialogue punctuation needs a little bit of a tweak) but those are incredibly small comments because every time I read this I got swept away by the voice.
I got a tiny bit thrown by the switch from present to past in the first 250 -- but only because it's the very beginning, I suspect.
I loved the sisters' relationship and especially the bit about strangling the energy out of Sidney (there were many other bits I loved too -- but I won't list them all here!) It's a brilliant image and it makes me grin whenever I read it.
Thanks for the comments Anna, I'm glad you liked it! I appreciate your critique and did a facepalm the moment I read it! I can't believe I missed those commas!
DeleteGreat voice and details in your first 250! I agree with Anna that you need to have a second look at your punctuation, but I'd love to read on.
ReplyDeleteIn the query, I'm wondering if you really need the second paragraph. It might be enough just to say she was adopted at a young age. Then Kane enters her life and...you have the rest already.
Best of luck!
#112
Thank you Laura! When I write queries I always wonder when I'm giving too much or too little information.
DeleteHoly cow - I love, love, love this! I want to read it. Like NOW. Love the voice in your query. Amazing. Love the idea. Did I not say love, love, love? Your first 250 pulled me right in and I was sad when I finished. I love Penelope! Excellent job.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!!
EEEK! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's always wonderful to hear that someone wants to keep reading!
DeleteThe premise of your story sounds really unique. One tiny thing to fix in your second line is that "over sleeping" should be a single word. I like the bit about her alarm clock coming to the conclusion that nothing eventful will ever happen. Good luck in the contest. :)
ReplyDelete#124