Title:
THE SHADOWED FLAME
Genre:
YA Fantasy
Word
Count: 67,000
Query:
Jackson’s
job has its ups and downs. Sure, the seventeen-year-old gets to slay man-eating
monsters every day, and yes, he does train with the best warriors in the
kingdom. But he’s also required to stay a virgin forever—even though he’s in
love with his beautiful partner, Moira.
Sometimes
it’s tough being the only male Unicorn Rider.
Jackson’s
life gets even more complicated when he overhears a dangerous unicorn secret.
There’s an ex-Rider hunting down him and Moira, searching for a world-killing
weapon called the Shadowed Flame. When Jackson tries to pry more information
from his mare, she stonewalls him, fearing for his safety. Even worse, he soon
suspects that the other unicorns may have a hidden agenda. It’s up to him to
ferret out their secrets, stop the ex-Rider, and protect the girl he loves but
can never have.
First
250:
The
worst part about being a Unicorn Rider was that we had to stay pure of
body—meaning we were pretty much doomed to eternal virginity. As far as I knew,
I wasn’t even allowed to kiss a girl. It didn’t matter anyway. The only girl I
wanted to kiss was a rider too, and she’d never leave this lifestyle for me.
Even if I tried to steal a kiss—which would be epic—she’d probably deck
me for the effort.
“Jackson!
Stop staring at me and focus,” came a frustrated hiss from my side. I snapped
out of my reverie and gave my partner, Moira, an apologetic grin.
“Sorry.
You, uh, had a bug on your face.”
She
rolled her eyes and stabbed a finger at the meadow below us.
“Fine,
fine.” I scooted forward on my stomach to peer over the rise again. “New
monster. Giant worm. Very dangerous. I know.”
“You’re
lucky worms don’t have ears, or that thing would’ve eaten you by now.” Moira
slung her bow off her back and drew out an arrow, shaking her head.
“For
your information, it would not eat me.” I glanced at the forest behind
us to watch the oak leaves flutter. Good—the breeze was still carrying our
scent away from the creature. “It would take me prisoner. Everyone knows
monsters only eat ugly people. I, being charming, handsome, muscular, and hilarious,
would merit being kept in a little golden cage at its side to provide entertainment.”
I love this concept, Jackson's voice, all of this! #146
ReplyDeleteI love this, too. Your voice shines through like A-maz-ing. Good luck. *fingers crossed*
ReplyDeleteReally cool. Only point I'm not clear on is if they have human forms, not horses. Might want to slip that somewhere in the query. Good job. Amy (#168)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carissa and Talynn! Spaced Out Gal, I'm confused by your confusion. :) Are you asking if the Unicorn Riders are human, or if the unicorns are? The Unicorn Riders are indeed regular humans who bond to and ride the unicorns, and the unicorns look for the most part like you would expect. Thanks for your comment!
ReplyDeleteAh, sorry. I did not pick up on the reference to "Rider" in your query though you state it right in your opening line and I just missed it. :/
Deleteaddition: I also love the male pov. nicely done.
Aha! You had me worried I was going crazy for a second there. :p Thanks, glad you liked. Best of luck to you!
DeleteHaving had the opportunity to read previous versions, I'll say you've got the pitch down. Great job. Love this take on the first page. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI don't read fantasy, but you totally hooked me with your voice! This might be me being a non-fantasy person, but I might have wanted a tiny bit more info in the second paragraph of your query. I couldn't process what exactly the shadowed flame was (world-killing = it would destroy the world?) and why Jackson is the only one who can save everyone? What exactly is the ex-Rider's connection to Jackson and Moira?
ReplyDeleteOverall though, based on the first 250, I'd definitely read more! Good luck :)
Rachel
#143
I love the male POV, to me there are not enough out there, maybe becuase the male POV is hard to capture correcting, but I think you have it here and I love Jackson's voice. Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteWOW! I love the male POV too, and I think you've done a great job with it in your first 250. Your query as well! It's shiny and intriguing. I would definitely read on! :)
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks! :D Glad you like!
DeleteYou had me at UNICORNS! Love the names and his voice! Even shines in the query. So good. I want more now.
ReplyDeleteHa! I love the premise of a guy who gets to do all sorts of cool stuff, but never gets to do "it."
ReplyDeleteAnd, as a girl who may have had her share of Unicorn posters...and stickers...and a big fuzzy blanket, I think it's high time unicorns make a return to the literary spotlight.
GOOD LUCK!
PS - Moira rocks.
Ha! Thanks. Yes, Moira IS pretty awesome, I must admit. :P
DeleteYou're in.
ReplyDeleteYou've got great voice and a likable sense of humor. Whether or not you can sell an agent on unicorn riders, I don't know. Good luck.
Thanks, Bouncer Zelda! :D
DeleteCongratulations!
ReplyDeleteThanks! :)
Delete