Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #165

Title: MERCY
Genre: Suspense/thriller
Word Count: 56,000


“Just because you can't hear her screaming, doesn't mean she doesn't have something to scream about.”

After five miscarriages, Mercy's mother was finally able to make it to the six month carrying Mercy before both of their lives were in danger. Mercy did die during the process but thankfully, their life-saving techniques were able to bring her back, along with her connection to something evil. To the outside world, Mercy grew up experiencing horrific nightmares and possible schizophrenic episodes. In her late teens and early twenties, hospitalized, she would indeed be labeled as schizophrenic, though deep down Mercy knew her mother never truly believed it was all in her mind.

Mercy met Aaron when they were just kids. Right away they formed a special bond, with Aaron taking on the role as her protector. They were best friends throughout grade school on up through high school, until that friendship blossomed into much, much more. As the hold and effects Mercy's “evil freaks” had on her became stronger, so did Aaron's determination to keep her safe and happy. On a night when an attack crossed to a level even she couldn't have imagined, putting even Aaron's safety at risk, Mercy makes a heartbreaking choice to push him away for his own good.

Mercy decides that it would be better for the safety of her loved ones, and herself, if she is committed and kept in a controlled environment. But as time goes by, and her “episodes” continue even in the hospital, Mercy is labeled as suicidal and a danger to herself. Her doctor has chosen to keep her in a constant medicated state for own safety, but when a new doctor takes over her case and brings Mercy back to full consciousness, will Mercy follow her advice and be willing to do what it takes to set herself free forever?

First 250:

There is a blood-curdling scream and it is so loud I fear it will completely consume and deafen me.  I feel the need to cover my ears and curl into a ball and the darkness is so dark, I can’t even see my hands in front of my face. All there is is darkness, blackness, and screaming.  Screaming so loud and stops.

My eyes open and my lips part as I have a sudden intake of air.  I am awake.  I am lying on a single bed with white sheets, in a room rectangular in shape.  The walls are white plaster, with institutional- style white tiled floor, like you would find in a school, or a hospital.  Just like this hospital, or institution.  I have a window facing east, which is nice.  I like to get the sunlight as soon as the darkness has faded.

I get out of bed, wearing my nightgown, and walk over to the window.  I like the feel of the sun on my face.  It is the only source of light in my life that has been completely encompassed in darkness for as long as I can remember.  I welcome the numbness I feel from the drugs they continue to give me; they fear I might have one of the many episodes they have witnessed.  “It’s all in my head” is what they have told me and my parents.  I don’t see my parents as much as I used to, maybe every other month. 


  1. I think your query needs to focus more on Mercy's perspective and what is happening to her now, what is her conflict, and what she stands to lose (essentially). Right now, you've got a lot of backstory/setup and your query reads more like a summary.

    My confusion is added with your opening 250 as it seems it opens at the end of what your query is. Her waking up in the institution.

    I do like the detached kind of feel to the voice in your first 250 words. But I would like to feel more of what she feels, rather than being told. Might be a hard balance to keep with the voice.

    Good luck with it.
    :) (#147)

    1. It might help your confusion to know that her backstory is part of the story. The beginning is actually part of the end. I guess to explain the lack of her feeling in the first 250 is she is pretty numb at this point. I appreciate your reading this and commenting. I know I've got my work cut out for me in query writing :-).