Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #176

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 93,178


Eighteen year old Tom Colado is a terrorist.

At least, that’s what the officers of London Heathrow Airport believe. High above the Atlantic, less than an hour ago, a single electrical discharge burst from Tom’s panicked hands, surged through a plane…and nearly brought it down.

Released from custody, Tom searches for an explanation to his supernatural experience. What should have been a relaxing post-high school vacation is now a fight for survival. Tom and his two best friends discover they are being hunted by an ancient order of protectors and a demonic army, rising from the depths of Hell.

Against his wishes, Tom has been chosen to prevent humanity's final war, against The Fallen. Time is running out and, as the history of his lineage unravels before him, Tom battles to regain control of his life. With the planet on the verge of chaos, Tom must confront the only person who can stop him from saving the world…himself.

First 250:

Death. Two hundred and sixteen passengers and the only clear thought their panicked minds could comprehend was death. The plane shook relentlessly as it plunged through the sky, hurtling towards the calm blue waters below. A sense of weightlessness gripped at the hearts of everyone on-board and, in fleeting moments, was almost euphoric. The unbound motions of their flailing arms and swaying torsos became a dance to welcome their own demise. Nothing could be heard over the shrill cries that formed a chorus of horror throughout the cabin. It wasn’t beautiful or majestic; it was one unified, incomprehensible noise. People hung lifelessly over themselves, unable to fight the force of the falling plane, but, amidst the commotion, three people sat tall, challenging their fate.  

Jay and Kim turned to each other to say goodbye. Their hands slowly reached for the armrest between them, hoping to find a mutual comfort in their final moments. The fear of death’s lonely approach took control as the building tension of their intertwined fingers quietly caused a faint shade of purple to swell over their knuckles. They said nothing; they didn’t need to.  Slowly, their arms wrapped around one another and pushed away the reality that surrounded them.

Across the aisle, Tom sat among strangers, clutching his armrest with every bit of strength he could muster. His grasp slid from the moisture that glazed his palms. Digging his shaking fingers deeper and deeper into the edge of the armrest, he felt a pinch. 


  1. Hi, I liked lots of things about this. I got a wee bit confused as to how Tom got released if they thought he was a terrorist, I thought there were additional holding laws, and would have liked to be a wee bit clearer.

    The first 250 words were good. I would have liked more of a sense of the wider scene, it just seemed a tiny bit distant. But, overall, I was intrigued and would have read on. #171

  2. I think you've got an interesting concept here, and you're query does a nice job setting up the stakes. I especially like the first line about Tom being a terrorist. That definitely gets your attention. I also like that you're first 250 start with the *almost* plane crash- I love jumping right into the action. My only suggestion is, in the final graph of your query, I don't think you need a comma between war and against. Other than that, it's great. I'd keep reading.

    Good luck!

    -Adrianna #142

  3. I am impressed with the opening. Great action and passion within the first 250 words. Great start - such a teaser, wish it were first 1000 words so I could keep reading. When the book is published sign me up for the first copy! I think that jo's concerns will be addressed in the full version so hang in there jo!

  4. Hi. Exciting premise. I love the slow-motion imagery of the opening. Only one nitpick - opening query - "Tom's panicked hands" - why are they panicked pre-light coming out? Might raise more questions than you need in the query so I think leaving it out is still a very strong opener.
    Best of luck, Amy (#168)

  5. Your query is so well done. The idea of almost bringing down a plane thanks to an unexpected appearance of electric coming from your own hands definitely grabbed my attention. (Also, this is just a tiny thing, but I like that your MC has a very normal name, "Tom." There are so many YA fantasies with unusual or trendy names; but I think someone totally ordinary being thrust into these kinds of adventures is much more engaging.)

    Best of luck to you! (#170)

  6. Hi. I think you nailed your query! All the things you read about hooking the reader and making them want to read more based on your few summary did it!
    This is not usually my type of read (I'm a romance gal myself) but your writing was very strong and the first 250 make me want to read more.

    Good luck with this!
    Post #160

  7. Excellent query.

    Like the 250 woords too. I could really see and feel what was going on.

  8. Really loved your query, and wow, what a hook of a first sentence! I'd totally read on.

    Your first 250 read very cinematic. I do kinda wish we'd jumped to Tom and not the other characters after paragraph 1, but that's really a minor issue. #146

  9. Great concept! Everyone else pretty much has everything covered. I would just say to make the first two sentences of your first paragraph its own paragraph. Seems a bit more dramatic that way. Good luck! #162