Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #2

Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 90,000
A captive girl learns to see the prince inside the beast in A BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARE; a figurative and contemporary retelling of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
Although Angelina has just graduated high school, she has an honorary PhD in stoicism. With suppressed memories of the loss of her twin demanding to resurface, Angelina's set on finding an emotionless, distracting job. So when she meets passion-exuding Haithem right before a critical job interview, she flees from his kiss without so much as a “We’ll be in touch.”  

That very night Angelina finds herself chased by a stranger who knows her name. Waking up on Haithem's yacht, it seems her plans for simple may have just taken a turn for the seriously complicated. While his looks might tempt Angelina to the point of near insanity, Haithem's behaviour is just plain beastly. It's a shame she can't seem to make herself want him any less. Haithem claims her abduction is a misunderstanding, and vows to return her home. But after disobeying Haithem, Angelina runs below deck and into the clutches of a much greater monster. To protect her, Haithem may have to do the one thing that could destroy her; keep her forever.
With nothing to hold her suppressed memories at bay, blissful distraction beckons in the form of Haithem's tantalising body. That's if he will get off his moral high horse long enough to let her have it. When the walls begin to cave on Angelina, Haithem offers something she had not believed existed - understanding. As Haithem's facade of indifference slips, Angelina aims her sails for his 'west wing'; his closely guarded heart. But when opportunity arises Angelina must decide what she is really prepared to sacrifice for love...

First 250
What are my weaknesses?
Well, what a ridiculous question. One that had too many answers that were not the ones I should have been searching for. I drew a deep breath and studied the screen of the laptop I was beginning to think was taunting me with its practice questions.
Coming to the Cafe to study before my interview may not have been the best idea. Between the fresh coffee steaming in front of me, the gossiping mothers at the next table, and the sweet air that promised all kinds of delectable's I definitely should not be eating, my preparations had fallen as flat as my confidence.
Concentrate Angelina, only forty-five minutes to go.
The air puffed back out my lungs in a long whistling sigh. I reached for the coffee, my gaze drifting from the steaming cup warming my palms. Huge dark brown eyes collided with mine. I blinked. They did not move on. They did not look past me. If anything they focused in. Like a hook sinking into something inside me, they tugged at me gently like a fish. His large body straightened, turning ever so slightly towards me. Breath rushed from my chest. People moved around him, but he stood fast.
The cup hovered at my chin, caution ringing in my ears like a bell. I sprang back to life, lowering my eyes and jolting forward. Piping hot coffee splashed my chest.


  1. I like some of the changes you've made to your query! I only have a few suggestions. I'd delete the first sentence in the third paragraph and start it: But waking up on Haithem's yacht takes her plans from simple to seriously complicated.

    Rather than disobey, I'd say something like: Ignoring Haithem's advice...

    And I'm wondering why he's passionate in the second paragraph and indifferent in the third. Is it because she's just made his life more difficult?

    I really enjoyed your first 250! Good luck!

  2. I love any retelling of Beauty and the Beast as its one of my favorite fairytales, and I like how you modernized it and the different angle you are taking.

    A few comments:
    -"passion-exuding Haithem " I suggest rephrasing this. Exuding makes me think of excreting, and that gets a little ucky. Plus, there's no reason to make up a hyphenated word when "passionate" is what you're trying to say.
    -"her plans for simple may" What plans for simple?
    -you don't need to end your query in an ellipses. A period will do.
    -overall, your writing could use some tightening. For example, "I drew a deep breath and studied the screen of the laptop I was beginning to think was taunting me with its practice questions." could be reworded as "I drew a deep breath then studied the laptop screen. I think it enjoyed taunting me with practice questions."

    Best of luck,

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  4. Amy and Rachel said it well. I love any kind of fairy tale retelling and your story obviously has a lot of potential. There are a few places in the query and your 250 that can be tightened up, but your voice is great. Just try to let your sentences breathe a bit more, as Amy noted above. Good job though.


  5. I love the way this starts on the first 250. Query was good, maybe a little too much information. I think you have done a great job and look forward to seeing more.


  6. I love Beauty and the Beast and this sounds like a great retelling! Your first 250 words left me wanting to read more. I think Amy and Rachel made some great query suggestions, but even as is, I was totally intrigued.

    Best of luck!

  7. Beauty and the Beast on a yacht? Yes please!

    I love the idea of this. Just a few things that tripped me up:

    - The query is a little long... that said it was completely interesting enough to keep me reading so take that comment with a grain of salt!

    - 'west wing' in the last paragraph of the query. This really brought everything to a crashing halt for me because I was getting flashes of a) the Disney movie b) 'West Wing' the TV show and c) Obama's Oval office. It made me lose focus on the query/story.

    Carissa -- #24

  8. Just a couple of notes for you: I'd end the query with a period instead of ellipses. Also, in the first 250, the word "delectable's" should not be possessive. I'm assuming you meant this to be plural?

    I really like the premise. Good luck from #20!