Sunday, February 12, 2012

Bouncer Post #51

Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 100,000


For sixteen-year-old Brynn Hartwel prophetic dreams are like living in Cloverdale, painful, annoying and there is no way to get around it. They started when she was six, got worse after her father’s death and became a secret when her mother forced a psychiatrist on her. Now with junior year on the horizon Brynn knows she is two years closer to escaping Cloverdale and hopefully leaving all traces of her dreams behind.

Then all hell breaks loose.

Her ex-best friend is found murdered and due to another one of her prophetic dreams, Brynn knows she’s next. But the killer isn’t your average, small town sociopath. He’s part of an ancient society of demigods, has gone rogue and is wickedly determined on seeing Brynn dead.

But he isn’t her biggest problem. Griffin is. With his pouty lips and devilish charm, Brynn is suddenly fates fiercest opponent and will do anything to stay alive. Lucky for her Griffin has a secret of his own and everything from Brynn’s dreams to her father’s death is connected to Griffin and The Society of The Devine. A society created of demigods, a society created to rule man in secrecy and a society in which Brynn had been purposely hidden from till now.

Brynn was born a Devine oracle just like her father. But he refused to have her torn from her family to live a life dedicated to The Society so he made a deal with The Devine to hide her true identity.

But nothing stays hidden forever. A rival group of demigods is after her and she is unsure if they want her dead or as one of their own and she must put her faith in three young Devine warriors sent to protect her.

As the secrets, lies and betrayals pile up no one is safe and not even a Devine oracle could predict that the true threat to The Society is the one person they are trying to protect, Brynn.

First 250:

When we heard the sirens we thought they were for us. I lifted onto my toes to see over the cluster of heads crowded around the dirt-caked windows. Two cop cars and an ambulance barreled past the abandoned barn and everyone sighed with relief. The wannabe DJ cranked the music back up and someone yelled ‘shots’. It was like nothing had happened. But I knew better. 

I rinsed my sticky hands with a bottle of water and ducked under the makeshift bar built from a broken door and two old wine barrels.

“Brynn, where are you going?” Sam shouted after me. “You can’t leave me alone. Everyone keeps trying to steal our inventory.” She slid the half-empty bottles of alcohol we stole from her uncle’s restaurant closer together.

I patted my hands on my jeans and leaned over the bar so she could hear me. “I want to see what the cops are up to.”

Her hands automatically went to her hips. “Because that always works out well for you?”

“I just want to make sure it’s nothing serious. I promise I’ll be good.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you having those dreams again?”

I ignored her question and changed the subject to avoid having to lie to her. “Just watch the money. I’ll be right back.”

I turned away before she could argue and squeezed through the sweaty mob stinking of perfume and rum and prayed my instincts were screwing with me. The murders couldn’t happen in my hometown.


  1. I LOVED this and would totally read this book! I do recommend cutting the last 3 paragraphs in the query though. The query was very strong until that point, where it becomes excess info. And it's so not needed, because I was already hooked!

    But other than that tiny critique, I thought it was beautifully written and compelling! Def. My cup of tea ;) great job!

  2. I think your query could use some punctuation to clarify sentences and could be cut down. Otherwise, I think the premise is interesting! Good luck.

  3. I think this sounds great! Although I agree the query got a bit confusing in the middle. From "lucky for Griffin" to the end of that paragraph.
    But I thought the rest was really good! It made me want to read it. :)

  4. I'm short on time so I'm just going to critique the query. I figure that's better than nothing, right?

    Here's my advice (which is in no way authoritative--just my thoughts)...
    1. Delete the first two sentences. They smack of backstory. I'm intrigued by the 3rd sentence, however. Revise it to be a one-line hook centering around the fact that she can't wait to flee her hometown and weird dreams.
    2. End of paragraph 4, revise last sentence. Gramatically, it should be "from which Brynn had been hidden till now."
    3. I would also suggest cutting the 5th paragraph, and consolidating any of the other paragraphs if you can.

    I have a long-ish MS with a complicated plot, too. It can be SO hard to simplify everything for a query... It looks like you're well on your way, though! Best of luck!

  5. Your query sounds like there are a ton of layers in your story, nicely done :) Great voice and super intriguing! I want to read this!

  6. Loved your first 250! And your concept is so majorly awesome! Good luck!

  7. Great idea, but I agree with the others - cut down your query. You had my hooked...and then a bit confused. It's a great idea, though. Also, check your grammar. For instance, the first sentence was great, but grammatically odd: "For sixteen-year-old Brynn Hartwel prophetic dreams are like living in Cloverdale, painful, annoying and there is no way to get around it." Dreams=plural. Living in Cloverdale=singular. "now way to get around it" works with the singular part, but not the plural part. Hope that helps!

  8. I really liked your first 250 words. Great use of strong verbs and showing. The query reads more like a synopsis to me and needs to be cut down. I heard one agents say to basically explain the first 30 pages of your ms in your query, not all the pieces and layers of your story. It's just a snippet. Story sounds intriguing! Good luck!

  9. I really liked this - expecially the first 250 of your novel.I think the query might be a bit shorter or less info given. The hook is there already. But, the voice was really good I thought. I hope you make it through. I'm entry 66 and haven;t been bouncer blessed yet either. I'll cross my fingers for you if you cross your toes for me :)