Genre: YA dystopian time slip
Word Count: 98,000
Query:
Kali Addison wishes her dad never invented time machines. Maybe then the Protectorate would do their job running the country, rather than playing god. The Ripples they cause by travelling back in time to "fix things", are getting old. She's tired of them changing people she loves, or worse, making it as if they never existed. Turns out, worrying about it isn't needed, they're all incinerated when a bomb drops on her seventeenth birthday party--everyone, that is, but herself and the bad-ass vintage necklace her mom gave her as a present.
Completely alone, and her father's work in ashes, fate would have it that Kali's now a freakin' time machine. Or is it the necklace? She's too busy being catapulted into the past by a power she has no control over, to think about it. Maybe the strange, but oh-so-cute guy who turns up every time she travels, can help her figure it out. But knowing the truth would mean facing the Protectorate and her own forgotten past. Those obstacles may be a way bigger challenge than she's ready for. And if so, it's times up. For everyone.
Mystical, mixes with real life fears of love and loss in this dystopian time slip novel for young adults. RIPPLE is complete at 98,000 words, and has series potential.
I am a member of SCBWI and David Farland's Writers Group. More important, I am a seventeen-year-old, stuck in a thirty-two year old body, writing books to fill the void.
First 250:
I hate time travel. It's the one absolute thought I have in my head when I crane my neck to take in the massive Clandestine, and all its bland glory. The commoners appear just as dull with their outfits the shade of dirty snow and solemn facial expressions.
Today, I match them.
Preparation for a journey through time doesn't allow for distractions like color or commotion. There are no windows either. So no way to enjoy the cool spring breeze or hear the birds chirp me a happy birthday song.
Nope.
I get to be serenaded by the whispers of curious onlookers wondering why I'm travelling in public, and jostled about from line to line until we make it to the time dock I choose.
I guess I have that on my side. My loser friends; Sage, Greer and Flip are letting me pick the "when" we travel to as my birthday present. I can't understand how they think it's a present at all. They know how much I despise this whole scene. I guess I'm the idiot for agreeing to it in the first place.
Oh well, maybe luck will reign down on me and no one will notice the inventor's daughter is about to use one of his time machines. Or maybe I'll experience a first, and won't get sick when I travel. And maybe, just maybe, the tracker chip they insert into our arms before we leave won't kill us if we cause a Ripple.
Nah.
Luck doesn't free-flow into my life too often.
I remember reading a different version of this query somewhere else. This one is so much stronger. It really gives great voice and a good idea of what is going on in the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kayleen, I have been trying to make it better:)
DeleteI like the first line of the query. It grabs your attention. The rest of the query holds what sounds like an exciting story in it but maybe needs to be redone to lose some confusion. I think any time you use words that the reader is unfamiliar with - like The Protectorate - it runs the risk of causing that confusion. I think the same could be said for the opening paragraph where she takes in "the massive Clandestine." I think you need to be cautious about throwing that in right off the bat. One note - I think when she says luck "wiil reign down on me" you mean "rain"? BUt, anyway, the concept itself sounds interesting to me and I think if you eliminate some of the confusing elements that get in the way of the story you will have something really fine.
ReplyDeleteCrap, I can't believe I missed that rain word! Thanks Dolphin:)
DeleteAh! LOVE the idea of this. And those first 250??? MORE PLEASE!!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kelley! You've got some awesome voice in that first page. I can totally hear your mc talking to me. Love it!!!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the changes you've made!!!!!
ReplyDelete<3333
Thanks Monica. I'm glad you do:)
DeleteI think this is so cool! I love the premise and the voice :)
ReplyDeleteI'm torn here. I really like the concept, but I feel like there is a lot of telling in that first page. I'd like to see you rework your opening to give me the exposition more organically. Give us some dialogue rather than just the MC saying how she hates time travel repeatedly. Show us she hates time travel - show us that these ripples aren't just minor incidents. You're in. But take a close look at your first page.
ReplyDeleteBouncer Dorthy, I would give you a big ole kiss on the cheek if I could!!! Thanks for giving me a chance:):):)
DeleteCongrats!
ReplyDeleteIs it me or does agent Mandy Hubbard have a novel titled RIPPLE?
Crapola! I just checked and she sure does...though they are completely different. You know I had it titled Ripple Effect and someone suggested I change it to Ripple. Maybe I need to change it back. Whoops:)
DeleteYAY! Congrats!! So happy you made it to the next round. Also, love Ripples concept. Great job.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations girl! Can't wait to see agents fighting over it :)
ReplyDeleteGood job! This is a fascinating take on the time travel premise. I totally want to read more. Best of luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the congrats guys! I feel like doing a couple fist pumps myself:)
ReplyDeletelove this concept! great job girl!
ReplyDeleteI think there is a *tiny* bit of telling, but some of the best novels begin with telling (esp. when told in 1st person). I lurve it!
ReplyDelete