Monday, February 4, 2013

Bouncer Post #136


Title: THE COLONY
Genre: Young Adult Soft Science Fiction
Word Count: 79,967

Query:

When Anya boarded the ship headed for Earth, the planet lost to humans several centuries ago, she thought she was heading to an empty, dying planet. Nothing could have prepared her for what she found instead, or the implications her discoveries would have on everything she had been taught to believe. 

I’m seeking representation for my complete 80,000 word sci-fi dystopian young adult novel, THE COLONY. This book is softer than a traditional sci-fi, using space travel and the future as a backdrop with which to explore real challenges faced by teenagers today.  
Anya was a good citizen. She knew the rules of The Colony, and she followed them without question. The Colony always came first. Until she earns a spot on the first voyage back to Earth since her people fled their dying planet hundreds of years ago. 

Distanced from the overbearing control of the Founder, Anya begins questioning all she has been taught as she starts to see those close to her, including her father, for who they really are. As war begins brewing between the survivors that were left behind on Earth and the privileged who had the means to escape, Anya must decide if she will stay true to the values she was taught to hold above everything else or if she will abandon all she has known for a boy she has only just met and a people she thought were dead.

THE COLONY will appeal to readers of science fiction, dystopian, and romance books. Fans of Matched, Inside Out, and Across the Universe will be drawn to Anya’s struggles against her controlling government and her love of a boy who represents everything she has been taught to fear. 

I am a member of The Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. I have completed the Writer’s Digest University course, Writing the Young Adult Novel and am an avid reader of soft science fiction and dystopian novels. 

First 250:

Her heart raced. Her lungs gasped for air and her body was tight with tension. Her body felt tight with tension as her brain struggled to remember where she was. She tried to grasp onto her identity, but the memories were too fleeting. Thoughts formed then separated, blurring together into a nebula of confusion.

A piercing squeal broke through her fragmented mind, followed by a high-pitched voice buzzing from somewhere above her head. “Please prepare for landing.”

The noise intrigued her. Her eyes darted along the walls and ceiling, searching for the source. They alighted on a small, circular grate. Speaker. Her brain attached to the word, and with it came a flood of memories. Pieces of her past, of her identity, returned to her drug-addled brain. I am Anya Stryder. I am 15. I am onboard the Odysseus.

Relief washed over her. They had finally arrived. And thanks to the Sleep-Comma, the forty-eight week journey had been nothing more than a confused blur.

She tried sitting up and instantly regretted her decision. A wave of nausea assaulted her and her arm tensed with pain. An unbearable pinching sensation accompanied even the slightest movement.

She turned her head and saw a tube snaking its way from somewhere overhead into the IV that was ruthlessly impeding her arm. The tube was empty, devoid of the drugs that had been pumped through her veins until only recently. Reaching out with her free hand, she teased the IV from the crook of her elbow.         

6 comments:

  1. This sounds really exciting and interesting. I love the choice you've set up for Anya -- it's a real choice, with all sorts of consequences.

    For me, the structure of the query didn't entirely work. I was right in there, caught in Anya's world and then it switched to "I am seeking representation..." and I had to pull back. Then I was back in Anya's world and getting drawn in again (but it felt like I already knew some of the things you were going to tell me).

    I liked the way you jumped straight into the story in your first 250.

    I wondered about 'her body was tight with tension. Her body felt tight with tension...'

    'Thoughts formed then separated, blurring together into a nebula of confusion.' -- I liked that very much.

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  2. I agree that the query should just be about the story, not the seeking representation part. I'd cut that part out and put it at the end. Also, I was a bit confused by the beginning sentence: When Anya boarded the ship headed for Earth, the planet lost to humans several centuries ago, she thought she was heading to an empty, dying planet. I'd reword the part: the planet lost to humans because at first I thought Anna was an alien landing on earth and surprised to find it inhabited by humans. LOL. I like the overall premise but I'd also add in more info about the boy she just met. Good luck, mine is #111 if you want to comment. Thanks.

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  3. Your story sounds like a good read. I wonder if removing the first two paragraphs of the query might solve the query structure issue (or at least moving the second paragraph to the end. In the paragraph starting "Anya was a good....", I'd suggest you switch everything to present tense. I'd also like to see a bit more detail on the boy she falls in love with and maybe an inkling of why she begins to side with the survivors left behind.

    In your first 250, I like how it starts with the landing. I think you should take a look at the repetition in the first two sentences. I liked how you get Anya's basic details into the story right away by having her consciously remember who she is. I did wonder if "Sleep-Comma" should be "Sleep-Coma"?

    I'd read on. Best of luck!
    #112

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  4. I love this idea! But I agree with the others about the query. That first line is confusing. I would also take the first few sentences of the second paragraph and combine them with the fourth. This is an intriguing premise and you really want to sell it.

    Your first 250 pull the reader right in. You start in a good place with the landing - we get to learn who she is as she remembers who she is.

    Good luck!

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  5. As others have mentioned, your query structure is off. I would strike the first paragraph altogether, as well as the "I am seeking representation" line. Your query should start with: "Anya was a good citizen."

    After "and a people she thought were dead." lead in with "THE COLONY, a YA science fiction novel is complete at 80,000 words." I would take out this line: "THE COLONY will appeal to readers of science fiction, dystopian, and romance books." Some agents really hate to be told what your book will mean to the market. Your sentence after that with comp titles is a much better way to give them an idea about where your book fits into the market. I also think this is redundant: "am an avid reader of soft science fiction and dystopian novels." You display that you are well-read in the genre with your comp titles. Agents assume you read in the genre in which you are writing.

    I like your concept a lot. In your first 250, though, I was really frustrated by all the shes and hers. At least once you tell the reader that "she" is Anya, start using her first name as much as you can, so the reader can become grounded in your MC. You also have a slight repetition issue in your first three sentences: "Her heart raced. Her lungs gasped for air and her body was tight with tension. Her body felt tight with tension as her brain struggled to remember where she was."

    Good luck! Very promising stuff.

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  6. It sounds like you've been given some good advice here, so I won't offer anything further that way. I like the idea of humans returning to Earth after it was abandoned centuries ago. In fact, that first line of your query instantly brought to mind Battlestar Galactica. Very cool! Good luck in the contest!
    #124

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