Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #145

Genre: YA Fiction
Word Count: 81,000


Frankie always lived her life content in the shadow of her twin sister, Ronnie. Best friends from birth, the girls complement each other and live as two halves of a whole. After a devastating diagnosis, Frankie’s happy and predictable world is flipped on end. With Ronnie undergoing experimental treatment and the family uprooted to a new town, Frankie must find her own way in an unfamiliar place.  In order to cope, she keeps the truth of her sister's illness a secret, and escapes to vivid, and sometimes disruptive, daydreams.  

Class president Jack shows interest in Frankie and inserts himself into her life, and she finds herself caught between the dreary world that revolves around her sister’s illness, and the refreshing new world she has discovered with him. When vindictive Tabitha discovers Frankie’s secret, she threatens to expose Frankie as a liar, and Frankie must figure out how to merge her worlds, or risk losing them both.

First 250:

Frankie stood at the end of the sidewalk and gazed up at the imposing brick building in front of her. Three stories tall, with windows glinting every few feet, it seemed to swallow the steady stream of students passing through its gaping front doors.

"I'm not scared, I'm not scared," Frankie chanted to herself, willing her feet to move forward in time with her softly spoken words. After all, it wasn't the first time she had ever been to school. She wasn't even a lowly freshman, for goodness sakes. She was a mighty sophomore, ready to take on anything this brand new school could throw at her. Bolstered by her pep talk, she moved forward at a quicker pace, hitching her backpack more comfortably on her shoulders. With a deep breath, she plunged into the mob of students and was swept quickly up the stairs and through the doors.

Inside the building, the air was hot and stuffy. It smelled of floor wax and gym socks. "Excuse me," Frankie said to a passing student. The girl did not even spare Frankie a glance as she continued on her way. Frankie turned in a circle, trying to catch the attention of someone. "Excuse me!" she said a little louder, but her voice was swallowed up in the din of hundreds of droning voices.


  1. The query and first 250 tease more than they reveal but dang it I really want to know what the sister's diagnosis is so you totally hooked me! #146

    1. Glad you were hooked! Thank you :) Going to check your entry out now!

  2. Both 250 & query are really good. I want to know more about her secret!


    1. Thank you! Looking forward to checking out your entry :)

  3. Great hook and I really liked the first 250 words! I'd keep reading. Just a couple of totally minor suggestions from me. In the query, you say "them" on your last line, but I think you should confirm that you're referring to Frankie's sister and Jack. In your first 250, you have nice descriptions, but the school smelling like gym socks seems a little cliche. Instead reference a smell that hasn't been done a million times before.

    -Good luck from Entry #152.

    1. Thank you for your suggestions! The "them" actually refers to both of her worlds, but perhaps there is a way to make that more clear. I will definitely play around with it. Great feedback :)