Title: EVERYDAY DAYDREAMS
Genre: YA Fiction
Word Count: 81,000
Query:
Frankie always lived her life content in the shadow of
her twin sister, Ronnie. Best friends from birth, the girls complement each
other and live as two halves of a whole. After a devastating diagnosis,
Frankie’s happy and predictable world is flipped on end. With Ronnie undergoing
experimental treatment and the family uprooted to a new town, Frankie must find
her own way in an unfamiliar place. In order to cope, she keeps the truth
of her sister's illness a secret, and escapes to vivid, and sometimes
disruptive, daydreams.
Class president Jack shows interest in Frankie and
inserts himself into her life, and she finds herself caught between the dreary
world that revolves around her sister’s illness, and the refreshing new world
she has discovered with him. When vindictive Tabitha discovers Frankie’s
secret, she threatens to expose Frankie as a liar, and Frankie must figure out
how to merge her worlds, or risk losing them both.
First 250:
Frankie stood at the end of the sidewalk and gazed up
at the imposing brick building in front of her. Three stories tall, with
windows glinting every few feet, it seemed to swallow the steady stream of
students passing through its gaping front doors.
"I'm not scared, I'm not scared," Frankie
chanted to herself, willing her feet to move forward in time with her softly
spoken words. After all, it wasn't the first time she had ever been to school.
She wasn't even a lowly freshman, for goodness sakes. She was a mighty
sophomore, ready to take on anything this brand new school could throw at her.
Bolstered by her pep talk, she moved forward at a quicker pace, hitching her
backpack more comfortably on her shoulders. With a deep breath, she plunged
into the mob of students and was swept quickly up the stairs and through the
doors.
Inside the building, the air was hot and stuffy. It
smelled of floor wax and gym socks. "Excuse me," Frankie said to a
passing student. The girl did not even spare Frankie a glance as she continued
on her way. Frankie turned in a circle, trying to catch the attention of
someone. "Excuse me!" she said a little louder, but her voice was
swallowed up in the din of hundreds of droning voices.
The query and first 250 tease more than they reveal but dang it I really want to know what the sister's diagnosis is so you totally hooked me! #146
ReplyDeleteGlad you were hooked! Thank you :) Going to check your entry out now!
DeleteBoth 250 & query are really good. I want to know more about her secret!
ReplyDelete#156
Thank you! Looking forward to checking out your entry :)
DeleteGreat hook and I really liked the first 250 words! I'd keep reading. Just a couple of totally minor suggestions from me. In the query, you say "them" on your last line, but I think you should confirm that you're referring to Frankie's sister and Jack. In your first 250, you have nice descriptions, but the school smelling like gym socks seems a little cliche. Instead reference a smell that hasn't been done a million times before.
ReplyDelete-Good luck from Entry #152.
Thank you for your suggestions! The "them" actually refers to both of her worlds, but perhaps there is a way to make that more clear. I will definitely play around with it. Great feedback :)
Delete