Title: ENTELECHY
Genre: Middle Grade Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 72,000
Query:
Found in four different corners of the world,
Sage, Mei, Gabe and Themba are whisked away to wondrous worlds within their
own. Deep in the depths of the sea an advanced race of ocean-dwelling beings
need their help. Children of the earth are being stolen.
In the enchanting world of Enleria, Sage, Mei and
Themba receive energy training to activate their innate capabilities so they
can discover and fulfill their entelechy, the unique purposes coded within
them. In Korast, the world of the disenchanted beings, they meet Gabe and are
reprogrammed in learning centers so they will forever be happily unaware of
being controlled.
Caught between the two worlds they set out on an
extraordinary quest to not only free the stolen children but to stop the
depopulation of earth. To succeed they will have to learn to trust themselves,
each other and their connection with all living things. And most important,
they will have to remember who they truly are.
Told in the distinct voices of the four
multicultural characters, Entelechy is a middle grade contemporary
fantasy complete at 72,000 words. This mythic adventure explores the journey to
a dystopian world rather than jumping into one and forges its own path, through
underwater worlds, to reveal that we are all uniquely powerful.
First 250:
- Sage -
It must have been her imagination. No one was out
there. She was just tired. Tired of the changes and tired of the unknown. Light
was fading, being pulled across the water drowning with the red ball sun too
heavy to remain above the horizon. It was time to head back.
Finding her temporary home with palm trees placed
in front like chess pawns before a king, she took the path around to the side
and brushed sand off onto the manicured lawn. With a last glance to the
twilight sky she stepped into the lushly decorated lanai her aunt had kept so
perfectly, considering she was never there. Sage could not help but think of
people living out of their cars.
She let the door slam as she entered but no one
noticed. Returning to the pink room, she flopped belly down on the bed and
stared at her suitcase. She knew her mother wanted her to unpack and get
organized. Why should she unpack to just pack it up again? They didn’t know
where they were going to be living next week. Insane. How do you get organized
for that?
Outside her thoughts she heard her name being
called. She sat up and listened. It called again, bubbling quiet, as if in sea
foam. The conch shell. She grabbed it off the dresser and held it to her
ear. “Sage.” It was true; she could hear the ocean in a conch, but her name,
now that was too weird.
I'm going to wait until Thursday to announce my top 3, but I'm going to give everyone some feedback in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I love the idea of a journey to a dystopian society, and I love the multicultural aspects. Four distinct voices is tricky, and some agents may balk, but hopefully your pages will show them you're up to the task.
Some tweaks. The best sentence is: "Children of the earth are being stolen." I'd open up with this. You start out by saying that the 4 characters are whisked away to "wondrous worlds"--but you only talk about one: underwater world. "Entelechy" may need more explanation. Overall, I think you're giving too much detail and the central conflict is lost. Why are the children being stolen? Why is it these 4 characters' job to right the wrong (and not anyone else's)? Who is trying to stop them?
Okay. Stay tuned!
Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed.
DeleteI'm off to rewrite.
I was wondering if they (the main characters) were also stolen. Are ALL the children being whisked away to find their entelechy or are the main characters special and the only ones that have the ability to free the other stolen children? If so, what's happening to the stolen children? If not, who tells them that it's bad and they need saving?
ReplyDeleteThe 250 sets up the story and makes me curious about why they are moving around so much. The last sentence is telling because we know that you can hear the "ocean" in a conch shell and it would be weird to hear your name from it. Maybe put a question mark after, "The conch shell?" And then after she hears her name give us a shocked reaction(Like her throwing it on the bed and backing away or something.) Just a suggestion. : )
Good luck!
Thank you, Stephanie. The questions both you and Bouncer Colonel Mustard have asked have helped me bring clarity to the query. "The children of the earth are being stolen." is what is most important and should come first. I should have also explained that the Korastians have deemed the humans hopeless and are stealing children to reprogram them as their first step to taking control of the earth. It is the other underwater civilization, Enleria, that still believes in humanity and they recognize that the powers the three have combined (Gabe, the fourth who joins them is one of the stolen children which may be confusing) as the hope to stop Korast.
ReplyDeleteThe stolen children have no idea anything is wrong, as seen through Gabe so you picked up on that, too.
As to hearing her name, she does drop the shell - but after the 250 word deadline and I'm now thinking it should come before she thinks it's too weird. The question mark is a good suggestion too. Thank you.
I really appreciate your help.