Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #161

Genre: Middle Grade Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 72,000


Found in four different corners of the world, Sage, Mei, Gabe and Themba are whisked away to wondrous worlds within their own. Deep in the depths of the sea an advanced race of ocean-dwelling beings need their help. Children of the earth are being stolen.

In the enchanting world of Enleria, Sage, Mei and Themba receive energy training to activate their innate capabilities so they can discover and fulfill their entelechy, the unique purposes coded within them. In Korast, the world of the disenchanted beings, they meet Gabe and are reprogrammed in learning centers so they will forever be happily unaware of being controlled.

Caught between the two worlds they set out on an extraordinary quest to not only free the stolen children but to stop the depopulation of earth. To succeed they will have to learn to trust themselves, each other and their connection with all living things. And most important, they will have to remember who they truly are.

Told in the distinct voices of the four multicultural characters, Entelechy is a middle grade contemporary fantasy complete at 72,000 words. This mythic adventure explores the journey to a dystopian world rather than jumping into one and forges its own path, through underwater worlds, to reveal that we are all uniquely powerful.

First 250:

- Sage -

It must have been her imagination. No one was out there. She was just tired. Tired of the changes and tired of the unknown. Light was fading, being pulled across the water drowning with the red ball sun too heavy to remain above the horizon. It was time to head back.

Finding her temporary home with palm trees placed in front like chess pawns before a king, she took the path around to the side and brushed sand off onto the manicured lawn. With a last glance to the twilight sky she stepped into the lushly decorated lanai her aunt had kept so perfectly, considering she was never there. Sage could not help but think of people living out of their cars.

She let the door slam as she entered but no one noticed. Returning to the pink room, she flopped belly down on the bed and stared at her suitcase. She knew her mother wanted her to unpack and get organized. Why should she unpack to just pack it up again? They didn’t know where they were going to be living next week. Insane. How do you get organized for that?

Outside her thoughts she heard her name being called. She sat up and listened. It called again, bubbling quiet, as if in sea foam.  The conch shell. She grabbed it off the dresser and held it to her ear. “Sage.” It was true; she could hear the ocean in a conch, but her name, now that was too weird.


  1. Bouncer Colonel MustardFebruary 11, 2013 at 8:57 PM

    I'm going to wait until Thursday to announce my top 3, but I'm going to give everyone some feedback in the meantime.

    First, I love the idea of a journey to a dystopian society, and I love the multicultural aspects. Four distinct voices is tricky, and some agents may balk, but hopefully your pages will show them you're up to the task.

    Some tweaks. The best sentence is: "Children of the earth are being stolen." I'd open up with this. You start out by saying that the 4 characters are whisked away to "wondrous worlds"--but you only talk about one: underwater world. "Entelechy" may need more explanation. Overall, I think you're giving too much detail and the central conflict is lost. Why are the children being stolen? Why is it these 4 characters' job to right the wrong (and not anyone else's)? Who is trying to stop them?

    Okay. Stay tuned!

    1. Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed.
      I'm off to rewrite.

  2. I was wondering if they (the main characters) were also stolen. Are ALL the children being whisked away to find their entelechy or are the main characters special and the only ones that have the ability to free the other stolen children? If so, what's happening to the stolen children? If not, who tells them that it's bad and they need saving?

    The 250 sets up the story and makes me curious about why they are moving around so much. The last sentence is telling because we know that you can hear the "ocean" in a conch shell and it would be weird to hear your name from it. Maybe put a question mark after, "The conch shell?" And then after she hears her name give us a shocked reaction(Like her throwing it on the bed and backing away or something.) Just a suggestion. : )

    Good luck!

  3. Thank you, Stephanie. The questions both you and Bouncer Colonel Mustard have asked have helped me bring clarity to the query. "The children of the earth are being stolen." is what is most important and should come first. I should have also explained that the Korastians have deemed the humans hopeless and are stealing children to reprogram them as their first step to taking control of the earth. It is the other underwater civilization, Enleria, that still believes in humanity and they recognize that the powers the three have combined (Gabe, the fourth who joins them is one of the stolen children which may be confusing) as the hope to stop Korast.
    The stolen children have no idea anything is wrong, as seen through Gabe so you picked up on that, too.
    As to hearing her name, she does drop the shell - but after the 250 word deadline and I'm now thinking it should come before she thinks it's too weird. The question mark is a good suggestion too. Thank you.
    I really appreciate your help.