Title: IN MY BLOOD
Genre: Sci-Fi, YA
Word Count: 100,000
Query:
Zachary’s just reached his
breaking point, now that he’s been forced to become a living, breathing weapon.
He’s the prized achievement of
the Coalition Project, a classified project to cure diseases and develop
bioweapons through genetic engineering. Because dolphins don’t suffer from
diabetes, Zachary was engineered with dolphin DNA. With the exception of his
strange eyes, he looks like an average 18 year old. But his hybrid blood holds
the key to saving millions of people.
When federal budgets are cut,
Zachary’s expected to be more than a source of blood for research. Military
doctors give him a powerful new skill: attack biosonar. The problem? He can’t
control it, making him deadly to everyone around him. Soon, a strange girl
arrives to train Zachary to use the biosonar. Zoe is also a hybrid, but she’s a
soldier – experienced, beautiful…and violent, with a dark past. She shatters
his world into chaos, awakening his animal instincts. Before long, he’s
uncertain if he wants to mate with her, or fight her to the death.
Just as Zachary learns to harness
the biosonar, a mysterious investor assumes control of the diabetes cure
project. Is Zachary more valuable as a hybrid soldier, or a glorified lab
animal? He’s got discover where he and Zoe fit into a world that insists on
defining them only by their DNA makeup.
First 250:
Hard, sharp pebbles and uneven
rocks sliced into the soles of my feet as I ran, driving me even faster over
the dark hillside to limit my bare skin’s contact with the ground. I didn’t
slow to look behind me, even though someone had to be following me by now.
I’d been running from the Complex
for at least twenty minutes. It felt cold out for June. I wove between short
bushes and weeds, firing my sonar to avoid large rocks that could cut my skin
and leave a trail. I didn’t have a chance if they used dogs to find me,
especially if I was bleeding everywhere I stepped. Blood would also let them
know I was hurt in some way, and I didn’t want to give them any ideas.
I wasn’t going to make it easy
for them to take me back in. Not this time. I was going to be stronger, faster
and smarter than them.
A flickering headlight darted
through the thin trees on the side of the road, so I dropped to my knees and
froze. The car’s engine groaned louder as it drove closer to where I was
hiding. I sucked my breath in and waited.
It passed without slowing down. I
didn’t move until it was far enough away that I couldn’t hear it anymore before
I stood back up and continued in the direction of the shoreline.
I wish I’d had more time. I would
have grabbed shoes.
I *really* liked this. I thought the query brought the ideas over well, and made it clear how interesting a story you have. I read it last night and it stayed with me.
ReplyDeleteI liked your 250 as well -- especially the last line. Fabulous. It did occur to me that the start might be just as effective (or, I think, more) from: "I wasn’t going to make it easy for them to take me back in."
Just, the first couple of paragraphs just now -- while they're well-written and interesting -- feel like you're explaining a lot. That's a mini point because it's all good.
Best of luck -- I hope you get through.
I really love this idea. Which leads me to say, I'd start the query with a statement about how he has dolphin DNA. I think it would make an eye-grabbing first line, especially as we see how important the DNA is throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteFirst 250: I'm on board with Anna, though I do like the imagery of the first para. The second para could be trimmed. Otherwise, good opener. Best of luck! Amy (#168)
Thank you, both of you! The idea of starting with "I was going to make it easy..." is really intriguing me now. I really appreciate the feedback. :-)
DeleteI actually liked the first line of the query, but that's just me. But I do agree with Anna about starting your first page with that line. It grabs your attention right off the bat. I like the decription in the preceeding paragraphs though, so maybe just change the sequence of things. This is usually not my type of book, but just from what I've read it sounds really interesting and it's written very well. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteEntry #160--thanks for commenting on my post :)
This contest is so much fun! I've learned a lot just by reading the posts and comments alone. Thank you for your feedback, entry #160. :-)
DeleteBased on your input, I've revised my query and I'm having my beta readers take a look at the first few pages now that I'm starting with, "I wasn't going to make it easy to take me in."
I like that this starts right in the action. Immediately I'm invested in what happens next. Nice work! #162
ReplyDelete