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I read your query, and then had to scroll up and realize it wasn't the first 250. First-person queries are SO risky. You have good voice in there, no doubt, but I don't think it's worth alienating agents. Particularly because your first 250 aren't in first-person, making that a needless gimmick. All that said, your first 250 would make me read on, even though I'm not a huge fan of alien books, and I like the premise.
I'm a bit lost. You've got a first-person query, but you open with third-person. I'd have to agree with Chelsey, that I'd ditch the first-person query because it is just so disjointed to the story. Especially when you don't open with the protagonist, John, but with someone who helps him, Henry.However, I think you've got a good starting point for the story, even if I'm left assuming Henry is the MC. Good luck with it. :)
This is incredibly helpful, thankyou. So, transfer it into third? I cna do that, I think, and keep the voice. The Henry/ MC problem is more of a problem as they are dual protagonists. I wonder if I should mention that somewhere in the sum up. Thankyou so much for your comments, I am looking forward to curling up and reading all the others ( just up here),but I had a quick look and they are fab?
I agree with the other comments. First person query aside, I am left thinking this is John's story, but the opening introduces Henry. Even with dual pov, one character will usually most reflect the main story arc. So if that's Henry, I would focus in on him. Also, def do the query third if the story is third, otherwise I feel the query is telling me what the book will read like. You have some really good imagery in the first 250 and an interesting premise. Best of luck, Amy (#168)
Some really great comments on here. I agree with the 1st/3rd person thing. Good luck.#155
I worked at the query today and got it into third and strengthened the mention of Henry. John's story is the main one, and I think it s further confused that the first scene is a prologue. Chapter one is John. This has really helped focus my mind on making all that clearer, and the comments have been given in such a positive way it has been easier to see what needed work most. Many thanks.
Your writing is pretty strong, so just some nitpicks. Your opening line is okay, but not super strong. I'd like to see something more that sets the tone of the book or implies more stakes. Seems more like a line just telling us what's happening. Not saying the first paragraph is bad, it's good description. Just as an opener, I might think on something a little stronger. Like in Uglies, Scott Westerfeld starts with the sunset being "cat vomit pink." And this is a book about a girl obsessed with ugliness, so it sets the tone. Otherwise, agree with the advice on the query. Best of luck! #162