Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #18

Genre: YA Thriller
Word Count: 45,000


Seventeen-year-old Bree Miller never expected her passion for yoga would save her life. But when she's kidnapped by a man in a mask who talks about obedience and punishment, her training is the only thing keeping her sane.

When Brian Sander's girlfriend Bree goes missing, he refuses to believe what the police are saying about her being a runaway.  He knows she's in trouble, and decides to take things into his own hands, forming his own search group. He'll stop at nothing to find her.

As the stress and frustration of Bree’s disappearance push Brian to his limit, Bree fights her own battle against a madman who wants all of her—even if by force.

Alternating between Bree's and Brian's point of view, MEDITATION is a 45,000 word YA Thriller.  I am an active member of SCBWI and a moderator on Verla Kay’s Blueboards.  Thank you for your time.

First 250:

The chill in the air and the fog graying out the world make me wish I’d grabbed a jacket, but I don’t want to go back inside to get one. Not while Mom is in there wanting to talk about my feelings. As if she really cares.

Thinking warm thoughts, I step onto the sidewalk and glance around the neighborhood.  It’s quiet on my street this early. I close my eyes and take in the stillness, listening to the soft sounds of morning.  A sound that doesn’t fit breaks the peace, and I open my eyes. 

A Buick with blacked-out windows is parked two houses down. It’s so beat up and faded, I can’t even tell what color it is. Black? Gray? Dark blue? Regardless, it’s out of place here. I know it doesn’t belong to any of the neighbors.

A ribbon of steam trickles from the rear, and I wonder who is inside. Are they watching me?

Without warning, the car pulls forward, heading down the street. Thankfully in the opposite direction I am going.

Way to let your imagination run away with you, Bree. I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding, and try to shake off the lingering sense of unease. The heavy air presses on me as I walk, and I take deep, cleansing breaths.  They help, and the peace of my familiar yoga practice falls over me.  The sense of calm carries me most of the way to school. 


  1. This sounds like a great read!

    I can't really think of much I'd change with the query or the first 250, other than the first sentence of the 2nd para of the query might be stronger if it read something like "Brian Sander is Bree's boyfriend. He refuses to believe ..."

    But just a small suggestion in a very strong query!

    Carissa #24

  2. Normally I'd caution about using more than one POV in a query, but I don't mind how this one reads.

    Really liked the opening and the small bits of description you've weaved in. My only quibble is I'm not a fan of "I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding", as it is quite over-done these days, and each time I'm not sure someone isn't conscious of the lack of oxygen. Especially if they practice yoga? Eh, might be a me thing, since I get dizzy quite easily. :)

    Good luck with it.

  3. I love these kind of stories! They have really great built-in tension and an innate page-turner ability. I'd read if I had more to read. I think this is excellent all-around, and I love the dual POV angle, as it can add more layers to a story, for sure. Good luck!!

    Virginia #9

  4. I love dual POVs. Really love your concept too. Not much to critique at all! The only thing I'd like to maybe see is possibly the end of the conversation between Bree and her mom. What makes her not want to talk to her any more? Why are they discussing her feelings? You've piqued my interest. I definitely want to read more!

  5. This entry was one of my favorites in Round 1, and I still really like it! I would totally read this!

    Best of luck!

  6. You have a really interesting premise, and I love that it shows both sides of the story. Your query is quick and to the point.

    I like your first 250, it's a great setup for what's to come. My one minor nitpick is the line "I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding," I see that line a ton in YA and it's becoming a bit cliche. Otherwise I really like this and would be interested to read on.

    Good luck with your entry.
    Jamie # 36