Sunday, February 17, 2013

Bouncer Round 6 #36

Genre: Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction
Word Count: 60,000


When an alien race known as the Adviera abducts thirteen-year-old Gary Jones, they give him the power of telekinesis. Unfortunately this cool new ability comes with a price. The aliens expect Gary to complete dangerous missions for them, alongside other Earth kids with abilities.

The Adviera believes Gary could be the key to saving their race and are secretly grooming him to lead their war effort. Too bad Gary just wants to complete his service to the aliens quickly, so he can use his power to exact revenge on the school bully. But if Gary fails them, it’s not just the aliens who will suffer—the fate of humanity could also be at risk.

Although Gary works closely with his alien trainer, Esther, so he can learn to control his ability, he’s unprepared for the retrieval missions and simulated battles the aliens force him into. If the alien council would stop changing their ridiculous demands, Gary might have a chance to perfect his ability before the Adviera thrust him into a situation he may not be able to survive.

The Adviera Abductions is an Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction novel that blends Sky High and Ender's Game with butt kicking aliens.

First 250:

The weight of invisible chains tied Gary to his house as he slammed the front door and led Buster, his Golden Retriever, down the path. No matter how far away he got, his mother always had the innate ability to know when he was about to get into trouble. Today would probably be no different. Although how Gary could get into trouble walking a dog, he had no clue.

Gary ran his hand through his shaggy brown hair, grabbed for his earbuds, and shoved them to his ears. Bobbing his head to the thundering drums and crashing guitars, he stepped into synch with the music. Buster, however, had other ideas, and dragged Gary down the street as if on a mission. The dog stopped at a street lamp near the end of the block, barked, and pulled hard on the leash. In an effort to hold him back, Gary grabbed Buster’s collar with his free hand.

“What are you barking at, boy?”

Gary looked around, but the street was deserted. Following Buster’s gaze, he found the cause of the disturbance—white lights floating across the sky.

“It’s just a plane. Come on.” He tried to yank the dog back toward the house. Buster planted his butt on the ground and whined.

“What’s wrong, boy?” Crouching down, Gary smoothed the golden fur on the dog’s head. “It’s okay, I promise.”

Hearing the soft whir of an engine, Gary tracked the lights drawing closer in the sky. They morphed into various shapes no longer looking like any plane he’d seen, and the noise changed to a high pitched hum.


  1. Awesome! This gets to the action FAST! I'd definitely read on!

  2. Your query is us all the stakes.

    the 250 dumps us right into the action.

    Great!! I'd definitely keep reading!!

    Good Luck!!

    Mandy #5

  3. Very good premise and sounds promising if it moves along like Enders Game. I would like to read more.



  4. I actually love aliens and telekinesis so you had me right away. Action for the MG readers is perfect and I believe they would hope to see more after reading this very well written first 250.


  5. Very strong MG appeal. Love that the relationship between Gary and his mom is evident from the get go, setting it up for him to get in the ultimate amount of trouble--getting abducted by aliens!

    1. BTW, I'm #34 if you want to take a look! Good luck!

  6. Great query! I loved your first line. I also liked how your first 250 words brought us right into the action. This sounds like a great MG book!

    Best of luck!


  7. Love the query! I really can't think of any suggestions there.

    And the first 250 are solid too. I love that we're getting into the action right away! One tiny thing b/c this is sci-fi: are the invisible chains like literally invisible chains that his mother has on him, or is this just a figure of speech? I wasn't sure.

    Carissa -- #24

  8. My only suggestion with the query is to cut the use of Adviera and as you primarily do, refer to them simply as aliens. With that, I'd then tighten your opening sentence so it snaps more. As a rough idea: "When aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary Jones, he's given the power of telekinesis." I'd even tighten the next sentence, again just an idea: "Except it comes with a price." Feel free to ignore my suggestions. :)

    My only comment on the first 250 are to echo Carissa, I was a bit unsure if the chains were actually real or figurative. Otherwise they work well and propel the reader forward.

    Good luck with it.

  9. I really enjoyed your kissing scene between Gary and Esther, so I'm delighted to hang out with Gary again!

    My only pesky note is about those chains, which I tripped over while reading. The rest is captivating, fun and sure to appeal to MG kids (and agents and editors).

    Fingers crossed for you!
    Bonnie #12

  10. To echo everyone else, I really enjoyed your query. I like how you lay out the plot and high stakes but we never leave the realm of MG b/c Gary is still preoccupied with the school bully. :) I think you've got the premise for a wonderful sci-fi adventure. Your tone and MG voice are very fun, I'd certainly read on! :)

    Best of luck to you! Rina #1

  11. I like this one a lot. I think I would cut the first paragraph of the 250, though. Regardless, I enjoyed the voice and the premise is great!

    Larissa (#18)