Title: WARNSVELD
Genre: MG Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 69K
Query:
Twelve-year-old Lark Bleecker has always been drawn to
her family’s hometown of Warnsveld, New York-- mainly because her parents were
so determined to keep her away from it. Now that her grandmother and aunt have
died, her parents seem only too happy to be back, but Lark’s beginning to think
they had it right the first time.
She wants some answers.
What did Aunt Bette do that made Lark’s parents flee
their home? Who is Tavish, the strange, shoeless boy who peers in Lark's window
at night, and hangs around with shoplifters during the day? Why is Lark having
visions of a girl from Warnsveld's distant past-- and how is it connected to
Aunt Bette’s madness?
Searching for the truth, Lark runs afoul of a band of
storybook tricksters and folkloric figures who followed her Dutch ancestors to
Warnsveld in the seventeenth century, and interferes with a way of life they've
kept secret ever since. Defending herself and her friends against this rising
threat will force Lark to question even the little she thought she knew, and to
redefine 'family' forever.
First 250:
“It’s a bad country where no one finds gain.” Of all
the proverbs Lark heard owl-eyed Spiegel utter later, that was the one that
rang true. No matter how many things went wrong, some things went right-- that
was what she thought it meant.
She could live with that, because for her the right
things turned out to be important things. But they did have a habit of
happening in batches. She’d been in Warnsveld a week and not met anyone, and
then in the same twenty-four hours there was one boy on the stoop, and another
at her second-story window. But the boy on the stoop came first.
“Your pod is open,” he said, when she opened the door.
“What?” asked Lark, who couldn’t hear him over the din
of her mother’s world music station. She stepped out and pulled the door shut
behind her.
“I said, your storage pod is open. Out back.”
Lark clapped a hand to her forehead. “Thanks. My mom
would kill me if she saw. Half our stuff is still in there.”
“I figured. My dad was going to call, but I headed him
off,” said the boy.
“Hey, who knows,” Lark joked, “maybe no one would have
heard the phone ring.” She held the door open so he could feel the pulse of the
drums, bass and wild skirling instruments. Was her mother singing? Horrors.
The boy stifled a smirk.
Ha! The last three sentences made me laugh out loud! Nice opening! I also really like the phrase, "Lark's beginning to think they had it right the first time." Thanks for sharing!-- Amy
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks for breaking the comment "cone of silence"! I'm glad you liked it!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds amazing! I'm envious of your writing style already. I really like the the Query- it has so many hooks in it, as well as the first 250. Well done for getting us right into it in such a short space of time. It really gives us a good taste for Lark and leaves us wanting to know more about her and her mystery boys.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this!
I love the way your 250 drop us right into Lark's home setting, engaging multiple senses at once. I also really like the way the query indicates that this MG Fantasy will have ties to the "regular" world and social issues beyond the fantasy realm -- not that there's anything wrong with high fantasy, but the interplay of fantasy realm and daily life with all its warts is fresh and I appreciate it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening! So many mysteries to solve.
ReplyDeleteThe query reads smooth.
Good Luck!!!
#61
I think your query's first paragraph is perfect; it sets the voice, sets up the mystery, and introduces us to Lark. I think the paragraph of questions could be cut completely, and go straight to the final paragraph where you do a great job of setting up the world and escalating the conflict.
ReplyDeleteI love what you're trying to accomplish with your first paragraph, but I think it could use some tightening. For example, do you need to mention Spiegal's name? Who is he/she? Could you simplify it with, "Of all the proverbs Lark heard, that was the one that rang true." Or if mentioning Spiegel is crucial, then I'd like something like, "owl-eyed Speigel, the myopic town librarian." I also think I'm thrown off by the phrase "utter later." Based on this, I'm guessing Lark will meet Spiegel later in the story and he likes to spout proverbs (an awesome character trait), but as an opening paragraph, I had to work too hard to understand.
Could something like the following still work?
Of all the proverbs Lark had heard, "It's a bad country where no one finds gain," rang the most true. No matter how many things went wrong, some things went right. At least that was what she thought it meant.
The rest of your 250 seems spot on. I like the interaction between Lark and the boy, plus the image of the storage pod sitting outside the house. And the music....I have to love a mom that embarrasses her daughter.
Good luck!
Thank you for all the thoughtful feedback! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
DeleteI will ponder the query issue. I'm a little bit worried that cutting the questions will lead to confusion-- why does she think they had it right the first time? But I don't want to serve question soup, either.
AFA Spiegel is concerned, I do think his name needs to be there...but the idea of adding an appositive phrase had not occurred to me. That could totally work. I'll tinker with it today! I'm running away to write in a few hours.
Thanks again!
Could you rework the questions into sentences similar to the last paragraph, that way you don't lose the info? For example, instead of "What did Aunt Bette do that made Lark’s parents flee their home? Who is Tavish, the strange, shoeless boy who peers in Lark's window at night, and hangs around with shoplifters during the day?"
DeleteCould something like "While investigating what Aunt Bette did to make Lark's parents flee Warnsveld, Lark meets Tavish, a strange, shoeless boy who she catches peering in her window at night and hanging with shoplifters during the day." I'm sure you can write it better than I did. Bottom line, it don't think big changes are needed, just tweaks.
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DeleteI really love the first paragraph to the query – it sets up everything perfectly and I’m already drawn into the story. Mysterious location (and I'm from NY but there's no Warnsveld? right? lol), deaths in the family, questions unanswered. BUT, I am going to agree with Aerie and say cut out the second paragraph completely. For me, I just hate questions asked in query letters. It’s better to show through storytelling what the questions are (like you did in the first paragraph)
ReplyDeleteFirst and last paragraph (and maybe another added in between to make up for the questions) would be a great query.
As for your 250 – I really love the voice you've set up. I’m already drawn in by just a few lines of dialogue as I love the interaction. It seems very fluid, and very real. Everything is so quirky, and so humorous I definitely had a smile throughout.
A few fixes with the query, and a few touch ups on the first 250 and you’ve got it! I’d def read more.
Good luck!
(sorry- accidentally deleted my original post)
-Copernicus (post #43)
LOL, no, there's no Warnsveld in NY (though there is one in the Netherlands). If you're an upstater who wants to picture where Lark is, I placed Warnsveld in the Schoharie River valley. I used to live near Barneveld, myself, so I drove through there every so often to visit friends.
DeleteThanks for the feedback. I'm looking at my query, that's for sure, and will bring up the second paragraph tomorrow during my Mt. Olympus Conference!
Really enjoy your writing style - your characters have distinct voices and show great depth in only 250 words.
ReplyDeleteOnly two small suggestions for your query:
1. 'What did Aunt Bette do to make Lark's parents flee their home? (to make rather than that made)
2. The first sentence in the last paragraph is long. I love the storybook tricksters and folkloric figures - maybe it can be broken up into two sentences.
I would definitely read your book - it sounds fantastic. Good luck!
Thanks, Bill! Glad to see you're feeling energized about yours. What a fun day. I'm not compulsively checking for bouncer posts at all, are you? ;)
DeleteOK, based on feedback from all you lovely people and my Conference with Pam van Hylckama Vlieg:
ReplyDeleteLark Bleecker has always been drawn to her family’s hometown of Warnsveld, New York-- mainly because her parents were so determined to keep her away from it. Now that her grandmother and aunt have died, her parents seem only too happy to be back, but twelve-year-old Lark’s beginning to think they had it right the first time.
She wants some answers.
She wants to know what Aunt Bette did that made her parents flee their home. She’s determined to get a straight answer out of Tavish, the strange, shoeless boy who peers in her window at night, and hangs around with shoplifters during the day. Most of all, she needs to know why she’s having visions of a girl from Warnsveld's distant past-- and whether it’s connected to Aunt Bette’s madness.
Lark’s search leads her to a band of folkloric figures who followed her Dutch ancestors to Warnsveld in the seventeenth century, and interferes with a way of life they've kept secret ever since. Defending herself and her friends against this rising threat will force Lark to question even the little she thought she knew, and to redefine 'family' forever.
Okay Sarah, I've got a bunch of comments, but they are pretty much all personal opinion. I hope they are at least food for thought. :) Generally I thought your query would benefit from more specificity. I'm getting hints that this is a story with unusual mythical characters - I want more about them!
DeleteThe first sentence is passive (as grammar girl says, "the target of the action (Lark) has been promoted to the subject position"). This is *opinion* but I think a query should be in active voice to really grab the reader. Of course as structured the sentence does impart mystery (it's murky what is doing the drawing), so yeah, personal opinion.
Suggest replace "seem" with "are" - I know you're probably worried about POV, but I think you can get away with it in the query. "Seem" is such a wishy-washy word.
Small polishes for punchiness: replace "have died" with "are dead." You can even remove the preceding "that." I'd replace Lark's with "Lark is" Try saying it out loud the different ways.
"they had it right the first time" is vague - can you be more specific? That way, when the reader gets to the next line, it is clear what Lark wants answers about.
Something like this: Now that her mad Aunt Bette (you can probably leave out the grandmother for query purposes) is dead, her parents are only too happy to be back. But when a strange boy sneaks a pair of ratty old shoes into her room, twelve-year-old Lark begins to think moving in was a mistake. After she puts the shoes on, she has visions of a girl from Warnsveld's distant past and fears going crazy, just like her Aunt. - Obviously I was making things up...
Two paragraphs in a row that begin with, "She wants."
I'd remove the comma after "night" - also, the peering in the window is super creepy - perhaps indicate it isn't a peeping tom issue?
First sentence of last paragraph. Lark does not sound like she is actively driving the story (her search is leading her). Suggest something like: Lark searches for...(something specific - it's a little vague what it is she expects to find). "Folkloric figures" is vague (are they the shoplifters?), as is "way of life" "rising threat" "little she thought she knew - about what?" - you can trim elsewhere and plump up here and still be within a 250 word count. Be sure to give a crystal clear picture what is *special* about your story. Also, who are these friends? The folkloric figures? The boy?
A piece of advice I've taken to heart is that you don't want hide your "cool stuff" under a bushel. If the agent doesn't know it is in your story, they'll might never get to the pages.
Good luck!
I agree with most of Heather's comments, especially about the final paragraph. However, regarding the first sentence; it actually isn't passive, it is one of those complicated-named tenses that I can't recall and don't feel like googling. According to Grammar Girl (they should make bracelets that say AtGG), "One clue that your sentence is passive is that the subject isn't taking a direct action." In the instance, the subject, Lark, is taking an action. She is being drawn to the town, not physically, but intellectually.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I like the revised opening. I think it sets up an introductory conflict. Any changes needed in the remaining sentences are tiny tweaks to tighten up the wording. I do think the 3rd paragraph is much stronger and specific without the questions. ;)
Aereichert, I think we are both correct (grammatically). I take it you interpreted the "drawing" as Lark's action (in which case it is not passive) while I thought the drawing could have been done by some other party (maybe the girl in the visions or the shoeless boy) and so the sentence is passive. I'm probably wrong about discounting Lark. :)
DeleteHeather, Amy has got that right. Lark feels drawn to Warnsveld. She's got a fascination with the idea of being from somewhere, from belonging. Then I turn that idea on its head. I did use a couple of your "punchy polishes", btw!
ReplyDeleteI haven't gotten poked much here about my first 250, but in my conference, the very good point was made that a twelve-year-old kid would probably just assume an adult left the pod open, and wouldn't care. I've been playing around with it, and tried the excerpt below instead.
“It’s a bad country where no one finds gain.” Of all the proverbs Lark heard owl-eyed Spiegel, that chaos-loving trickster, utter later, that was the one that rang true. No matter how many things went wrong, some things went right-- that was what she thought it meant.
She could live with that, because for her the right things turned out to be important things. But they did have a habit of happening in batches. She’d been in Warnsveld a week and not met anyone, and then in the same twenty-four hours there was one boy on the stoop, and another at her second-story window. But the boy on the stoop came first.
“It’s raining in your pod,” he said, when she opened the door.
“I can’t hear you!” shouted Lark over the din of her mother’s world music station. She could actually feel the pulse of the drums, bass and wild skirling instruments. Was her mother singing? Horrors.
The boy smirked.
She stepped out and pulled the door shut behind her. “What did you say?”
“I said, your storage pod is open. Out back.”
Lark clapped a hand to her forehead. “Thanks. My mom would kill me if she saw. Half our stuff is still in there.”
“She might kill you anyway. Your sprinkler kicked on, and it’s literally raining in there,” said the boy.
She’d heard him right after all. Lark yelped and jumped off the stoop, leading the way around back at a run.
Urgh, OF belonging. Sorry.
DeleteAh ha - yes, I suspected I misread. :)
ReplyDeleteYour story looks sweet and I'm beginning to get hints of humor - I like that! Lark is already coming alive for me.
My major suggestion is to cut the first two paragraphs. To me, they have the drawbacks of a prologue - distances me from the mc and generally causes confusion (too many people/concepts/places introduced with no explanation, has both backstory and future, again without enough information to make sense of it). My *opinion* is that it is much stronger to begin with Lark opening the door. I'm quoting here from bouncer Zapfino in entry #2 "The problem with prologues (and I know this from experience) is that they either weaken a really strong opening, or they're trying to cover up a really weak opening. (Twilight's a good example of a prologue trying to cover up a really weak opening.) Your opening is very, very strong, and I think your prologue is just getting in the way of that."
Myself, I often write these sorts of paragraphs at the beginning of scenes to help get everything set in my mind (I call it "telling before showing"). I go back and delete them once I've *shown* the scene. Once this is published, the reader will know from the cover and flap copy that this is a fantasy. Meanwhile, the beginning can do what it's supposed to: lure the reader into the story. Once you've got Lark introduced, you can trickle in some of that backstory. I'm trying reading your words from the door, and I get sucked right in. I like it that there's conflict up front, and action (things are happening, yay!) while giving a nice idea of Lark's character and the setting.
I had a thought regarding the pod (I'm not actually sure what this is, you probably need to clarify. Was it on a car?). Kids that age are pretty self-centered. How about there's something of Lark's she values getting rained on?
Little stuff:
Is Lark embarrassed by her mother's singing, or just finds it unpleasant?
"literally" felt like an older person speaking - not quite the voice of a pre-teen boy.
Since this is from Lark's POV, how does she know she is "leading the way?" Why would she think the boy follows her? You can probably just have her run back there and then notice the boy followed.
I like your rewrite of the query. Those rhetorical questions are tricky. Some people really hate them. I'm middle of the road on them myself - no strong feelings. Still, knowing the virtiol with which some seem to despise them, I would personally steer clear in a query. YMMV. You do set them up as Lark's own questions, so your use of the device isn't as egregious as most.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm going to break with the crowd and say I liked your 250 better the way they were originally posted. I'm not sure if the comment about a 12-year old's sense of responsiblity was supposed ot be about Lark of the boy, but I don't think there's an issue with either 12-year old feeling responsible for making sure the pod is closed (I'm envisioning a metal storage pod/cube here, that might load onto a truck and move. Although I'm far from NY myself, this could be a regional lingo thing? I trust the nature of the pod becomes evident in the next few paragraphs.) Lark's parents seem possibly quirky and I don't see indication of siblings, so she may well have a more adult role than some 12-year-olds. The other kid could just be nosy/curious about the new neighbours. Either way, I would get more opinions on that before restructuring your opening around that point, as I liked the flow of your original dialogue much better.
“Your pod is open,” is a wonderfully weird and kidlike way to introduce oneself to a new neighbour. I love that opening. And it's simple enough that if "pod" is confusing the reader can figure it out (without the added strangeness of the "rain" inside it).
The other reason I like your first 250 better than the revision is this (from the revised version): "Of all the proverbs Lark heard owl-eyed Spiegel, that chaos-loving trickster, utter later, that was the one that rang true." I like the hint of the wise trickster character-to-come, but this sentence is long, with multiple clauses and is a lot to drop on us and then desert. I'm actually not 100% sold on the first line of either version yet, but I don't hate them. I don't know how important Spiegal is or how long we have to wait to meet him/her. First lines are hard, b/c of their importance. I think what you have is good but (based on the rest of your writing sample) I bet you can come up with something great.
I love your new query letter! You kept the great parts and gave it a much better flow. I definitely want to read your book now! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI’m afraid I’m not bouncing your entry in, but I do have some feedback and thoughts for you that I hope you'll find helpful.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
• You’ve got some intriguing stuff here and I like the opening, but you lose me in the last paragraph. It gets confusing very quickly. I think this needs a little more build up in the second paragraph instead of all the questions.
First page:
• I take that proverb in the first line in a very different way than the MC does which makes me wonder if I’ll be able to relate to her.
• I’m actually a little confused by what’s happening here. I don’t quite see why the pod being open is her fault. If she’s a middle grader, she’s not likely the one doing the heavy lifting.
• I LOVE the bit about the mom singing however!
Anyway, keep writing, keep revising, and thanks for entering the contest! :D